Miwa in Aus

Friendship divorce

2012-02-03T07:08:00.004+08:00

I read this article this week, and yup, it sums it up for me. Having been on the receiving, and yes, the giving end of this, and even the 'the harder I try not to muck it up, the more I seem to get it wrong' but there we are. As someone who values friends highly, especially when my life looks different to most other people's, it's hard when they fade away in different cases. There's a grief to that and a loss that's not like other losses. On the other hand, life happens, we go through phases, and sometimes it's really not personal, and you can come out the other side.

As as someone who has different phases in lifeand chapters, I guess I can't hold onto each chapter and all they hold. Some are for a life time, but others just can't be held onto as it would be ideal... So, as I step into another new chapter of life for some elements of this year, I look forward to seeing all it holds, the new friendships, the current friendships. And with the ones I can't seem to hold on to, there is grace, forgiveness, and surprise catch-ups:)

Home

2011-12-31T21:08:00.002+08:00

I am sitting in the London kitchen, the two youngest kids (3 days off 18, and 20!) upstairs or watching TV. Sausages in the oven, Rachel due for lunch. Quiet, peace. The other life. So normal and so foreign.

I have been back int he UK since Wednesday and love being here, and yet the pull to be in Sydney is still strong. And yet this is home too.

Time for lunch:) This family which has been my family for 18 years and 3 days. Home.

There is nothing more delicious...

2011-12-05T17:53:00.001+08:00

Read this today... had to share:)

there is nothing more delicious ...

by mici magazine

… than warm fresh just out-of-the-oven cookies, the

feel and smell of fresh sheets on your newly made bed,

a lingering kiss from your one true love, the perfect

silence in the midst of a storm, the hope inspired by a

morning cup of your favourite brew, the lure of a warm

open fire, romance in the winter time, being snuggled

up with a good book on your weekend off, sleeping

the day away, the morning dew dripping from thawing

trees, stars shining brightly in a moonlit sky, the laughter

from a friend walking through life’s pains, the answer

to prayer only God can bring, your favourite song up

loud and on repeat, the soaking rays from the sun on

a summer’s day, the beautiful coolness of the ocean

on sun-drenched skin, a heart after you, a good ole’

cry to a feel-good girlie movie, rain on the window,

the rainbow that salutes the passing of the storm,

the thought that dreams can come true, the smell of

summer in the air, freshly mowed grass, slipping off high

heels at the end of a long day, candles flickering by the

bath as you soak the day away, a hot shower on your

first sunburn of the season, hindsight, the view over the

ocean from an upstairs window, a good workout, fitting

into your favourite dress, that first untouched page of

your brand new journal and the perfect pen with which

to capture this journey called life knowing that no

matter what it throws your way, no matter the storm that

rages by day and the seeming silence to your prayers by

night, no matter your mistakes and ‘misfortunes’ your

choices and those made for you, that ultimately the

creator of the universe, GOD HIMSELF, is for you—so

who can be against you!

There’s nothing more delicious …

Start living it.

2011-12-01T17:22:00.000+08:00

Someone passed on this reference last week. How cool is that!

My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6-7 (The Message)

My jewels

2011-11-17T20:11:00.002+08:00

I was sitting working at the computer today by my supervisor. We were idely chatting as we did what we needed to do, and suddenly it dropped. "I was talking to someone about you today- they love that they are growing and feeling safe, loved able to do what they need to do", she said. It was one of the people I meet with each week. She didn't say who, but it was what she said that was such a precious jewel.

I received an email last week from someone saying 'it worked'! I got through something I never get through successfully. 'I did it!'.

Another wrote, mentioning a time that seemed so dry to me. I had gone to give, to share, to bless, and was told no. And yes, there was a conversation... and out of that, life, renewed life, purpose, identity. Someone who is living a whole (-er!) life again.

All incredibly precious jewels. Of seeing precious amazing people realizing that they can do it.

Each comment has been a precious jewel in the week, of seeing people see themselves in a new way, new possibilities, and step out in faith and fresh hope. Each are jewels, precious people who I get to walk alongside. What an incredible gift it has been.

What an amazing, challenging, precious year.

The Finishing.

2011-11-09T18:43:00.002+08:00

That time has come again. I knew it would. Today was my last formal time at uni, the last supervision, last assignment returned, last hours turned in. My home group leaders are stepping down, and our group dividing in two, because it has grown so much. The process of starting to wind up work, to finish it off, and well, to hand it over into a unknown future.

I have been here so often. Finishing a chapter and starting something new and exciting and while I am excited about this new chapter- it's been so very many years in the development, today feels sad as I look back on the years, the journey, friendships. I am so grateful for these days, the good, the learnings, the fun, joyful, challenging, amazing times.

There will be another trip to London, and then on to new things, but no new country... this time. But new things, yes. New challenges, job, home group, opportunities.

But for now, I am in The Finishing...

Planting and growing confidence.

2011-10-21T07:51:00.004+08:00

There is such a difference in ways of instilling confidence in a person. I have just handed in my last ever assignment for this degree. I can't beleive it.

There is a huge part of me though, that wants the quick rush of someone like my supervisor saying, yes, you're a great counsellor... and yet, I know that it would be superficial, a quick fix, like fast food that just wouldn't satisfy.... because in all honesty it would be feeding my vanity. And yet, there's something in wanting that affirmation.

On the other hand, his not commenting, of gentle expectation of the delivery of what I have done. It's the process, growing from experience, and just steadily working away at it. Growing confidence, deep down sureness from within. Even through the set backs, delays, mistakes and challenges it's been quite a journey! This has been planted, and grown, and while it's still a little plant, it's coming along steadily:)

Running away

2011-10-16T20:32:00.002+08:00

It's funny how fast something turns around, the nuances of a conversation, the realisation of what means something to you, meaning something entirely different to others. The sudden forks in the road, choices to be made, in attitude, direction, conversation, commitment.

And suddenly, you realise that it's all about running away. While all it all looks well and good and well on the outside, it's actually a series of split second moments of avoiding the awkward moment, choice, or just trying to stay out of someone else's way, because it just doesn't seem to be room for you both.

When. Actually there is room, opportunity, possibility to mend the broken or wounded, or just reconnect. Opportunity to grow.....

I believe in...

2011-10-06T18:59:00.003+08:00

Peter Pan was always one of my favorite movies and books, and it's been fun to see Tinkerbell take off in a whole new level, with her own story and generation to delight. One of my nieces in particular loves her. From the moment she laid eyes on her at the age of nearly 2, I think, Tink has been her favorite- not bad considering she's now 4!!! Spending time with the girls means I know most of the Disney catch phrases, including 'I believe in Fairies!', which most of them do, or will grow to.

One of the areas of my new job, well, prac anyway, is that I get to spend an hour with a person essentially saying 'I believe in you!'. I am just me, but wow, the power of transformation that they go through as they make choices and decisions. There's ways and means of doing this, and I think back on other times when I have, or have not got it right, with friends and others I care about, and, well the not getting it right makes me sad, especially when it's well meant.

But. Here and now, being intentional, learning and understanding better, it is a delight to see internal and external tranformation happen. Pretty special!

A different kind of cheer leader:)

A new compass

2011-09-29T19:58:00.003+08:00

I had a conversation today, with a woman from a country I know well. She was close to History when it happened so many years ago, when it changed a massive nation. And now, as a woman, she and her mother have sought to navigate the changes that were brought, both prior to, and as a result of those days so long ago.

For most of the time, her compass was her mother, and living a story that was more free than her own. Too often, it brought her back to the entrapment that she sought to escape so fiercly. More recently, she was introduced to a Heavenly Father who brings a whole other level of freedom, relationship, hope, future. She has been given a new compass. And, like a ship that needs to change direction, she is discovering a whole new way of living, and seeing life. The decisions that brought freedom from her initial traps now need a whole new freedom, and hopefully true and lasting freedom.

Talking to her also gave new insight to why a culture is changing the way it is, why the role of women seems to be going downwards, and slavery and prostitution are taking on ever new life. The initial concepts were designed to bring freedom and yet.... they have brought deeper slavery..... but that's another post right there....

Her story, I suspect isn't uncommon, but I wonder how often the outcome is similar.

Holding patterns

2011-09-21T02:10:00.002+08:00

This is a week for telling a new story. The one so far has been one where all the mistakes are highlighted, there is so darn much to do and one perspective of what one needs to do is entirely different to another's. So, doing things twice - while so avoided has become common practice.

Once again, I wish I had the words to say in each and every situation, that I could communicate what I meant. Hearing back what others have 'heard' has been painful and so frustrating, because it has sounded like they have been talking about someone else, and while I am 'here', it's the memory of someone else who lingers, and their shadow that I still come under.

Someone posted a quote: 'The purpose of refinement is always to make us 'objects of beauty', NOT to leave us scarred and disfigured for life.'

I don't know what's next, but right now, I wish I could make the most of it, not keep it in a holding pattern only to pass it on to another.

Being yourself

2011-09-10T16:30:00.002+08:00

Periodically, circumstances present themselves when suddenly it appears that, to be yourself is plain "NOT ENOUGH!". There is a pressure to be brighter, more fun, more 'got it all together', successful (in some mysterious way that you're not), financially stable, more friends, more time, more fitting life into the days that you have.

It comes as a shock, when, as Christians, I thought we had a different walk to take from the world, that we could be more real, honest, be ourselves, a little more grace-filled and more able to give the benefit of the doubt, allow time to get to know people.

There's so many circumstances where sometimes we need to take a second look, not only for our sakes, but for the sakes of others. A worthy challenge to live up to.

The real thing

2011-09-02T10:42:00.003+08:00

I was talking to 'some people' last week about what I am doing now, and what's next. It's my last subject of my masters degree. I did a masters. The least intelligent of my family. The one most likely to fail, with least potential. The one who didn't really have anything of value to share. The comment was 'well, you will get a real job then...'. What have all my other jobs been??? What is the job I am doing????? And if that's what was, how is it that this won't be put into the same category as the last ones?

I struggle with the confidence to do life, relationships, and this thing I am trying to do. Struggle that there's more than enough people to say 'you can't' when all we need, ever, is to know that we can. There has been more times than not, recently when I have not sought out the Voice that has got me safe this far, that has kept me going and need to find it again. I need to choose again. Take stock once again of the next season and not let 'life' or others choose for me.

I am so glad there's enough choice, people, love, forgiveness, relationship for all. God is one of abundant love, who loves us best, who says yes, we are his favorite. Pretty cool, huh?!

Trusting the process

2011-07-29T10:18:00.001+08:00

So often I forget that some things can't be rushed. You can't always jump start something, and you don't know what's just around the corner. Sometimes what looks bad now turns out to be pretty great somewhere down the track.

I often forget that I don't have the whole picture, that I don't know what's going on with other people, what God has in mind, or what's just around the corner, so there becomes a fine balance between wanting to see something happen, and trust the bigger picture, that in the process all will be well. We can't take short cuts.

We can pray though. We can give it to God, invite him into our journey, knowing that his perspective is always going to be the best, taking into consideration everything we have missed. We can be faithful, honourable, and sometimes, just suck it up and do what needs to be done, trusting God with the final outcome.

Dancing with my niece

2011-07-14T10:22:00.004+08:00

Yesterday. I took the day off to look after my nieces. Not a day off per se, but there you go. In all, it was a really long, 13 1/2 hour day with them, but such a good day. The bits I remember though?? The missed opportunities. When I was more stern than I might have been, didn't stop and sit, lost sight of the important bits in exchange for other less vital things. Albeit, we had all decided on gingerbread men, but I could have made 'just enough' and not insisted on using all the dough all at once. I could have stopped and danced for much longer than I did. Enjoyed the tea party, played uno even though it was way after bed time.

They are all so incredibly gorgeous in their own incredibly unique way. And there were some wonderfully special moments... like 2nd breakfast of cino's and croissants before going to creche at church with all their special friends. Watching the 2yo with the trike hefting it on the bridge and sending it down the dip, racing around with her big sister, watching the 3yo pull the 2yo along on the trolley. Dancing, bath time, yummy dinner- where they ate it ALL!

I wish there was a reality check alarm at moment's when we are making choices. To choose what isn't only good (like fun gingerbread!), but what will last... like quality time all together, fun adventures, special moments. Quality time. Looking back, it's soooo easy for the day to disappear in a whirl of jobs that need to be done, going onto the next thing, bed, bath and dinner...and getting lost. Missing the beautiful opportunities to make the day fun, restful, peaceful and happy for all. To enjoy and rest in the process of the journey, rather than trying to do whatever is needed to get to the final destination. It doesn't always happen, but I am noticing it alot right now. Lesson learned. Again.

Time

2011-06-21T22:11:00.002+08:00

My time is not my own at the moment. Well, it never is. It's God's. But right now, it's less mine to do what I want with, than ever. There's responsibilities, needs, expectations, commitments, requirements, the ever present need to earn money... the list goes on. It's full on, and I am not quite sure when it will stop, especially when looking at the diary, it's fairly full for another 6 weeks or so.

Time to start planning for the September holidays, I think! Now!:) But one thing (among many things!:)) I am looking forward to is some time learning about healing prayer. Scary, because the theory is useless without the practice and experience. That's where the fun really starts. And trusting God, once again to work through me.

Fun times ahead:)

Clients and process

2011-06-09T07:30:00.002+08:00

I am up to nine client a week for counselling. Each is so special, and it's a privilege to walk the journey with each of them. Makes me more aware of my own fallen-ness and areas that need 'work' in my own life, that's for sure. But wow, the power of seeing people stepping out to make the change.

I am challenged enough to be on the verge of stepping out to make a change of my own. To most, I think it would be a nonevent, but then I know some people who are about to celebrate something that I have never celebrated, but done often. So, maybe its an event. Maybe its all in perspective.

Or the process. Time for some more celebrations perhaps.

Bully's

2011-05-27T21:27:00.002+08:00

They aren't fun. At all.

Email free

2011-05-23T19:32:00.002+08:00

There days, like the last couple of days, or, well, circumstances, when I could happily give up email altogether. Miscommunications, being ignored, 'yelled' at or accused are some of it's downsides. Not to mention accidently leaving out vital details, sending it just too quickly, or coming across with a very different tone to the one intented.

Being reminded of just how much can be left out of an email, intentionally or by accident has caught me up quite a few times in the last few weeks, which makes me wonder yet again about the joys of an internet free life. Where would we be without it? Less contact with friends perhaps, and definately the long distance ones, but I imagine we would be much more intentional about the face to face contact we might have instead... that's rather appealing right now, for a number of reasons.

But then, being in The Philippines recently,it was such a HUGE joy to finally meet people I had been emailing for such a long time. Maybe there's an up side after all....

Assignments completed.

2011-05-22T19:42:00.003+08:00

The last assignment for the semester has now been handed in. Now to get enough hours of prac and then another semester is done, so long as I pass..... gotta love not having enough time. A stack of awesome conferences are coming up... which ones should I do. What am I most interested in,which is most effective and useful.... not that I seem to be able to take any more in:) Time for a holiday!:)

Assignments.

2011-05-19T08:55:00.001+08:00

The first thing I always want to do for an assignment is find anything not related to the assignment... and do that. No matter what. Not many assignments to go, but they are still assignments. Maybe I should give them a new name.

Love

2011-05-18T21:45:00.002+08:00

Jeremiah 29:13 says that we will seek and find God when we seek him with all our hearts. That's not as much love as he has for us, but that's alot for us to give him. And what a treasure we find, a relationship beyond relationships. And that's outworded in our whole lives. Amazing.

Trust the process

2011-05-15T19:18:00.002+08:00

I left work this afternoon realising that I hadn't let the process of a tast alone. So often, in my other role, I am reminded to trust the process. Tonight, seeing two people hurt, angry, afraid and therefore not communicating, I wanted to say, trust the process, know what you want....be brave. When do I trust the process, or say something, to hopefully help the process....?

Most

2011-05-11T19:28:00.003+08:00

Some things are easier to do than others. Some are easier to stick to. Some are easier to persist at... because the fruit/reward/results are far more quickly evident. Doing 3 different things in the week, I know what I would most like to do, mainly like to do, and least like to do....I am currently trying to do what I least like to do, which will help me to get to what I mainly like to do, which, in the long term, is what I would most like to do....

Late Nights

2011-05-09T20:14:00.001+08:00

I can't do late nights. Cramming, writing assignments or otherwise. There's three 'projects' the demand full time attention, and by giving more to one, others suffer and vice versa.

Currently assignments are suffering,but I am too tired for a late night...:/

Waiting

2011-05-08T20:06:00.002+08:00

Today feels like it's been a day of waiting, but I wonder what would happen if I did speak up for some change... or progress. What if I were to ask 'what would it take for a postive change to happen'?? Seriously... what's the worst that could happen, right?!:)

Saturday 7 May

2011-05-07T20:28:00.002+08:00

Fair trade market, cold, awesome chats, new contacts. People doing amazing things. Lovely to have personal stories to share, and be able to talk to others about the people I have met recently. Divine chocolate now in Aus!!:):):)

Friday 6 May

2011-05-06T20:48:00.002+08:00

God is faithful, God leads, speaks, has perfect timing, has given us emotions for a reason, loves us. God is creative, and we are very blessed, even when we have to go through the valley. Just some of the things that were talked about today:)

Thursday 5 May

2011-05-05T20:04:00.001+08:00

Glad people beleive in me even when I don't always beleive in me. Glad for wide open spaces, opportunities to test my wings and yet still be supported well. Supervisors, friends are great.

Wednesday 4 May

2011-05-04T20:27:00.001+08:00

Tired, weary, things hitting home. Too much miscommunication with people I know but have never met. Persistence, respect, persistence, patience is the key....

Tuesday 3 May

2011-05-03T22:02:00.001+08:00

The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Realised tonight it doesn't say there isn't enough... wonder at the translation and the real meaning of what was intended. Different translations= different slants.

Monday 2 May

2011-05-02T20:39:00.001+08:00

I know finishing well is really important, whatever the task, but need to be reminded that that includes feeding back well too, to the people who need to hear. Answers to prayer, saying good bye, saying thanks.

Sunday 1 May

2011-05-01T19:22:00.001+08:00

Weary, not much sleep, but a couple more movies. Sydney city, Dad, then sister and very excited neices! So lovely to see them again. Mary Poppins, taking stock. Lots of goodies. SLEEP.

Saturday 30 April

2011-05-01T19:20:00.002+08:00

Farewells again. Photos, soooo much shopping. Precious people, sucking the last out of every moment. Grateful for people, times, clarity, beauty. Two busses, a plane, train, then a musical in Sydney.

Friday 29 April

2011-04-29T22:57:00.001+08:00

A royal wedding, friends, a day back in my old job, tea, coffee, lunch, dinner, rain. It's all nearly over all over again. Time to work out where home is again.

Thursday 28 April

2011-04-28T22:33:00.002+08:00

Thought for the day: Last time I was here I gave what I had, but this time I have had something to give. Doesn't make too much sense, perhaps, but it has been special.

Wednesday 27 April

2011-04-27T16:51:00.002+08:00

First ever talk on issues related to counselling. Wiped out. Encouraged, feeling blessed, glad for others being brave and the opportunities too. Next talk... coming up.

Looking for reasons to keep going in an area entirely unrelated to 'here and now'. Discouraged.

Tuesday 26 April

2011-04-26T22:17:00.002+08:00

Was able to meet some people I have been hearing about for years now and say 'I've heard about you and think you're great!'. Fun times. Met a russian who knows a friend of mine's son. WAY HUGE HEAD SPIN!

Monday 25 April

2011-04-26T07:55:00.003+08:00

Monday. More long, good, rich conversations, special times, news, moments. A visit to Tuen Mun, sun, harbour, walks, ice cream. New cocktail bar.

Sunday 24 April

2011-04-24T22:36:00.002+08:00

Happy Easter! A glimpse of HK City. Choice, not enough time for everything, and people will come first. New thoughts, confirming direction, an awesome gift.

Saturday 23 April, 2011

2011-04-23T17:18:00.002+08:00

Lots of long, slow, good, deep, rich conversations today. Surreal to be back in a place where I am used to being so busy, and not having to be anywhere else more important/urgent than the current conversation:)

Friday, 22 April

2011-04-22T10:11:00.002+08:00

Quiet day, calm, reflection on the week and Good Friday. Conversation, prayer, big picture, life changes. Love. Flights, the next leg. Contemplation.

Thursday 21 April

2011-04-21T21:07:00.002+08:00

Heart full to overflowing. Don't want to say goodbye, or leave. Children gorgeous. Gift bag giving, ESPECIALLY SHOE GIVING: PRICELESS!!!!!! Tears. Overwhelmed, and not ready to move along yet.

Wednesday 20 April.

2011-04-21T21:04:00.002+08:00

Wow, nearly done. Getting to know the children. Gift bag packing. Shoe buying for each child. Big bag of Peanut Butter M&M's! Awesome conversations & people.

Tuesday 19 April

2011-04-19T18:32:00.002+08:00

Losing track of days, want to stay. Awesome conversations- thought provoking. Direction giving. A role for a Christian fair trader/counsellor? hm. Energy needing, More love giving.

Monday 18 April

2011-04-18T20:36:00.002+08:00

First day of kids camp. Awesome team: Victorious Blues! Awesome team chant. Hoarse, hoarse throat... Kay has arrived, special conversations. Counselling, fair trade, the works.

Sunday 17 April

2011-04-17T20:42:00.002+08:00

Church, home, supermarket, orphanage, feeding program, massive vege farm, puppy and worm farm. Hotel. Swimming, meeting, more pizza. Humid, warm, tropical, heavy air. Camp tomorrow!:)

Saturday 16 April

2011-04-17T20:39:00.002+08:00

Travelling again, Dumaguete and children's camp. Pastors who live in the slums with their Church family. Amazing team. More eye opening to come. New sunglasses.

Friday 15 April

2011-04-17T20:37:00.002+08:00

Last organization, joy, beauty, gorgeous product being made. Waterside slums- dread the wet when it arrives. Or the typhoons. Such a fragile exhistence. Precious gifts.

Thursday 14 April

2011-04-14T19:31:00.002+08:00

An historic school, tiny clinic- delivering 150 babies a month, with 9 arriving before 12 today. Gorgeous. Lovely conversations, inspiration, possibilities, product matches, hope, opportunity.

Wednesday 13 April

2011-04-14T19:27:00.003+08:00

Beautiful smiles, gorgeous children and women who are motivated and dedicated for others, Jeepneys, tricycles galore. Conversations with friends who I have finally met.

Tuesday 12 April

2011-04-12T16:56:00.003+08:00

Today: Two flights,four movies, one book read, one seminar nearly done, many more on the way. HKIA- long walk, Starbucks, just missing the people!:)

25 words or less

2011-04-12T05:00:00.002+08:00

I have been sitting at the airport for a couple of hours now and the plane is nearly ready to go. Have been thinking about what's ahead in The Philippines and Hong Kong, people, plans, hopes and the future. I appreciate the challenge of word limits though mine tends to be an A4 page, and the concept of a photo per day.

For my time away, I am hoping to do both:) There are so many good things to come and I dont want to miss any of it in the 'what ifs' and well, my own plans!

So, will see where this journey takes us.....! Thanks for travelling with me!!

25 words will hopefully start next:)

The full circle.

2011-04-10T18:44:00.002+08:00

It occurs to me that life, once again has come a full circle. I started writing this blog many years ago, because I had started a new journey, and wanted to document it somewhere. From there, lots of learning has taken place, study, countries, and now I am on the brink of returning to the place where it all began. I am checked in, and just about, almost ready to head back to Hong Kong. On my way, I will be spending time in The Philippines- the first time (terrible that it's taken so long!). The time in Hong Kong- I'm looking forward to that. Looking forward to seeing how much it has changed, and me too. I have learned so much, and yet, with all the learning, have so far to go. It's an amazing gift to be able to return, and I am intrigued as to how it's going to turn out. The trip has come together in an amazing way. With lots of connections and random bits of life that have worked themselves together. There's only so much I can do though, ask, plan, and try and put into place, and from there, others to take on, answer, and for God to well, make it all happen as He plans. I feel like I have been given a precious gift to give, but it's only an older worn gift that will accepted, or recognized. Hopefully it will be alright, no matter what, and whatever I can give will be... enough.

The happy dance

2011-03-12T14:48:00.002+08:00

This last week, I have been anticipating the events of Friday with some dread. On paper, what I was comitting to do made sense, and within the context, seems a reasonably normal, though yes, very full plan. Talking to others, the reaction was 'are you crazy!?!', but under the circumstances, what can you do!

But, getting to the end of it, wow it was full, and long, and I wasn't sure quite how I was going to change gears again once I was done, but I did it! I wanted to sing out loud and do the happy dance: 'I did it, I did it!' because well, it was a big thing.

But it's a start, too and a process, and there is soooo much to learn still, and while this week was amazing- for me, that's not what counts at the end of the day. It was changemaking, but not me making the change. It's such a priveledged position, and I am so humbled ot be a part of it, which also means, I have a long way to go....!

Some things don't change

2011-03-06T18:32:00.002+08:00

I'm reading a book set nearly 200 years ago in Manchester, UK. It's great, and I am so appreciating the story and writing- and how she wrote it all without computer and other helpful editing facilities!

The thing that most amazes me is its relevence still. We still have and face the same issues. The geography is different, but poverty and attitudes towards it are still often the same...!

Looking forward to seeing the rest of the story unfold!

Seasons

2011-02-26T19:21:00.002+08:00

The last few weeks have been nuts. Busy, crazy, and way too much. It's reaching the end. and next week uni returns, so a new routine again will be established. There has been so many good things happen in the last little while, but it's the bad that sticks to mind. A friend rather offended, a disspointing meeting followed by a dissapointed colleague, and a lovely conversation that may just be peetering off.

I don't cope well when ending a super busy time and not having anything planned- it feels like stepping off a cliff into a void- a very different sensation to being on solid ground, and yet, often there isn't time to prepare a safety net in advance. Often there aren't people around, and in this case that has been coupled with misunderstanding. I want to know I have been forgiven. Want to know what is going on with the lovely conversation, want to find a new possibility for the colleague and the work that we do.

I want to know and see the difference between the good things to do, and the right things to do, and what to release as a result. With that is often the desire to be busy- to keep moving, because for whatever reason I am in my life situation, and I want to make the most of it, and well, don't want to stop,because in some ways there is a sense of 'what will be left', but there is also so many things I would like to do and quality people I appreciate spending time with.

Some encouragement would be so good, the deep down 'well done', to have the positive noticed even when, in my perspective, it's the negative that is magnified....

Tomorrow though, is a new day, fresh, with no mistakes in it...:)

2011

2010-12-23T18:32:00.002+08:00

What a year 2010 was. The people, events, ups, downs, special times, heartbreaking times. An amazing year. Being the first day of the next year though... ahh the possibilities. I often picture a story I once heard, and, thinking back on it today, wonder what that will mean for the year ahead.

Imagine a beautiful glass container. It can be as big or small as you like. Start off by putting in large-ish beautiful stones (for, they are the most important, and will take up the most space). They need to be chosen carefully though as only so many can fit in.

Following that, are smaller stones, or shells- the little beautiful ones you find on the beach. Next up are the grains of sand, and following that is the liquid that will cover all, be through all, and finish it off. The container that is the year ahead.

Some of it will be planned and intentional whereas others will be a surprise, unexpected and well, come out of the blue.

I am looking forward to being more intentional about a few things, see other things becoming more established and see how the whole year takes shape! I am looking forward to it:)

Motivation

2010-10-04T14:55:00.002+08:00

Isn't it funny what we have motivation for! I have been thinking about the things I am interested in, and enjoy doing. But there seems to be a gap between them all.

There's the group of things I just have to do, because they are life, or I have committed to it, like, well, going to work. There are people who are a priority to see. I can always find time to see or talk to these people.

And then there are the things I should do, or would like to do, or even really like to do. And yes, the things I ought to do. I wish I had equal motivation for those things, and even for the interesting uni assignments which I really do know I want to sink my teeth into.... and yet... it would be nice to have a nice energy, and gung ho-ness about those things too!:)

Bloggers graveyard

2010-09-26T19:02:00.002+08:00

Over the years since blogging started, I have bookmarked lots of blogs, to follow, keep up with, whether they were written by friends, or were of topics that were interesting to me, or had been recommended to me by friends.

It's always exciting to see some start up, but sad when they drop off again. There are some that I know are paused, and when they auther gets a chance, it will start again, but there are others that have been sitting, waiting for another visit for a year or more, or a big event happened...and that's it. I remember so many of those times, blogs and stories and have loved following friends in this way, but when do you pull the plug and delete the link? I can't bring myself to it, because it feels like deleting a friendship, and that would truly be sad, even if it is just in cyberspace.

Life does go on, and other events happen. I don't mind that the blogs stop, but I do miss them too!

Practical

2010-09-11T13:23:00.002+08:00

It never ceased to amaze me that I can get soooo much done at work, and seemingly acheive so much, and then it comes to what I am studying.... and all motivation goes zip! Out the door!

I love what I am studying, and my work, and wonder at their connects, but wow it's hard to apply myself to the theoretical rather than the practical!

It was such a good, and successful work week too. I am so pleased with all that happened, and projects that are coming together. While it can be super hard work and I want to quit, I also really love my job, the opportunities, and the people I get to work with are pretty amazing! And when opportunities for these amazing groups bear fruit, that makes it all the more worthwhile!

As I get to the end of my degree, the question of 'what's next?' gets asked more and more, and while I don't have a clear answer, and feel like life is very bitty, know it's in good hands, and it will all fall in place at just the right time! But in the meantime, the next 6 weeks is going to be rather busy!!!

Open Doors

2010-09-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

I have spent the last few days at a trade fair for Christian Booksellers. It has gone so fast, and there are so many people I would have liked to sit down and have long talks to, but it was such an immensly encouraging time though, of talking, sharing stories of what God has done, of seeing miracles, big and small. There are book shops that survive through the wonderful help of volunteers, while others step out and show God's love at Sexpo and the Mind Body Spirit festival, seeing miraculous events, and life changes daily!

Often there would be people who would suddly stop with heads bowed, praying, all encouraging each other and sharing their journeys.

The theme for me though, that kept coming through was, that all we need to do is pray, commit our way to God, and trust him to open the doors. For many of them, they saw it in the practical and the miraculous, the provision of abundance when a vision and dream had been defined, or when they felt like God was telling them to do something crazy rediculous!!

I think of events in my life, things I would like to see happen that I just can't make happen. There have been times when I have tried to open doors, or at least gently leaned on them hopefully. It all comes back to trusting God though, praying, and giving him room to move, something I still struggle with... I am wonderfully encouraged by the amazing men and women who are out there doing just that!!!:)

Dad's

2010-09-04T21:15:00.002+08:00

I have been really mindful of quite a few situations over the last couple of weeks, and in a completely different context, VERY aware that father's day is coming up!

In both of these strange meanderings, it has amazed me yet again that I know some incredible fathers out there. They love their families with a fierce protective love, and feel the pain of helplessness when they can't fix the big painful issues that batter and bruise the people they care about most. They take amazing joy in their wives, and have amazing pride in all their children's accomplishments. I am so glad to know them all, and soooo glad to know some incredible honorable, integrity-filled, love filled, passionate, patient, God filled men!

Happy fathers day!:) And if you're not one yet, happy Father's day to be!:)

Meandering paths.

2010-08-27T20:20:00.003+08:00

The last few weeks have been quite something really, challenging and enlightening at the same time. There has been some low lows, and a desperate need to hold my tongue and keeeeeep on holding it, as well as some really special highs.

It has amazed me again and again how the same route, even though within different contexts and language will get you to a similar destination! Sometimes its good, and not so good, intentional and unintentional...

Standing back and looking at different situations and events, there are moments when it's hard not to notice the elements that separate and unite. There have been elements of counselling and prayer ministry this week, which have been distinctly similar, and yes, they have been specific styles, they are also very different and one isn't necessarily going to replace the other.

I am so glad to be learning, and in a place to make connections, and yes, even actually have something to offer. there is still so much to learn though!! Meeting someone recently, it struck me hard when they said they were studying for the peice of paper... what a tragic loss, though yes, so understandible in so many situations, and yet, I watched someone go back to study this week and she hadn't been in any formal education since year 10. What excitement and joy she had after over 20 years, to be able to get stuck into something new.

That has been an incredible highlight of the last few weeks, as has seeing answers to prayer. God is good!

Blind spots

2010-08-23T20:24:00.003+08:00

As my friends get older, and yes, more grown up, many are going on to have their third, even fourth or fifth children. One good friend has gone on to have seven children- all of whom are gorgeous unique and really special! I am looking forward ot be an aunt for the fourth time soon:)

Alongside that picture of wonderful blessings and bundles of joy, there are those who can't have children, for whatever reason. They haven't been able to, aren't in a position to, or have lost them. Some do go on to having children, but it is an emotional road that is walked.

With so many wonderful friends who are having children, it is such a special time to be around, to watch the joys unfold, and grieve when things don't go as they should. I have an overwhelming desire to punch certain people who judge others in relation to that, and am often shocked by the way the whole topic of children brings out the honest, and not always helpful opinions. So often it's heartbreaking- for people who have been blessed with 'many', or those with none, when they have got it 'wrong' in the minds of the person passing judgement. And no, I am not referring to any one person in particular- more the passing comments, criticisms, and opinions I have heard first, or second hand.

It's easy to develop moral blind spots, and I am sure I have them too, but and feeling rather fragile for those walking these days, and am glad I can be a spare pair of hands occasionally...

They are a miracle, a precious gift, not always easy, but somehow, someway we have been designed and created for relationship, and a big part of that includes children...

Single. White. Female.

2010-08-03T21:19:00.003+08:00

I started a writing course last week, and am supposed to be writing for 15 minutes every day. In a journal. This is going to have to do for tonight though. And in general, it's going to have to be wherever I can squeeze the time and space into the day currently. Tonight, I just want to comment.

Single White Female. That's, well, some of the titles once could label me as. I won't go into any others for now, and for the purposes of todays comment, will leave it at that. Mostly, I get on with life, I am who I am within the life I am living, and that's fine. It might not be what I would prefer in some cases, but hey, I am alive, happy, love God best, have awesome friends and family... what more could I want, hey?! Well, it may not be more, but it might just be different.

Last week, within the multiple elements, big and little, totally unrelated, I came to be feeling VERY single, and very much a female!!

What surprised me though was how rarely I notice it being pointed out through other peoples actions, choices and exclusions.

And it's also got me thinking about how we can never know how people feel about different life circumstances, positive or negative, but, usually it's the negative ones that are kept most close to heart... like trying and not being able to have children- which is the case for so very many, but often, so often, our random, flippant, unthought out comments can often be so painful to others- and we often have no idea of the impact and emotion behind it.

It has been a good wake up call that I am grateful for, and am glad I can use where I am for good!:)

Abundance

2010-07-20T21:04:00.002+08:00

Tonight was home group, and a time in the week where once again I give thanks for the amazing church I go to!! As the months have gone on this year, I have slowly settled into church, a home group, helping out with more things, finding a place there.

I can't get over how special different aspects of it are, and how the take me by such surprise over and over again, when actually, it should always be like this, right? An overwhelming abundance of grace, genuine care for one another.... I love it!!

Anyway, home group started again this week, and it was so wonderfully refreshing to be there again. One quirky thing I happen to love is the worship. We will occasionally get out dark blue plastic folders, someone will play a guitar, and while I am there, I am also transported back to a place and group of other people who do the same thing, and used to do it in much the same way, often even with similar songs! Brilliant!!

Anyway, I have been thinking through all these things, of abundance, desert, lavishness, dryness, quenching, overwhelming grace and love, because, as I look into next week- the start of a new semester, I don't feel ready. It feels like I have been doing everything from a place of emptiness, taking snatches of breath where I could, rather than drinking deeply of God's goodness and grace.

Tonight I started reading a book about creativity in an effort to find ways to be operating out of a place of abundant love and grace, and home group really helped to kick start that journey. So, no matter what's happening, and how busy it was, is, will be, and dry the environments are that I reside in, I hopefully will find that place of abundance, no matter what my circumstances...!

Servant Leadership

2010-07-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

There's different kinds of leadership, the roles, styles, and well, attitudes.

I have been thinking about how different people lead a bit today and how effective it is, and how powerful it is as a way of communicating to others!

At work there's different leaders, and different leadership styles, different attitudes, and different intentions.

I guess, as part of a team who are mostly Christian, and some, not Christian, the way leadership is excercised is an immensly powerful communicator, whether it's of a servant leadership nature, or directed. It seems that the servant leader is the most powerful in communicating God's love and grace, while other modes can tend to be less helpful. It's easy to stand on a pedestal and tell everyone else what to do, or what others have done wrong, but harder too, to get stuck in, and lead through loving first, doing first, and working it out together.

It's something I struggle with, and am humbled by, but it's the servant leaders who are around me that motivate me to keep trying, keep being humble, and keep seeing others for who they really are,and the beauty which is within each.

I miss

2010-05-24T18:31:00.003+08:00

I have a friend who I trust, and I have a friend who I don't think trusts me. They are the same person, but the one who doesn't trust took over from the one I trusted, and I miss my friend.

No particular reason for it tonight, but they are my friend and I miss their presence and voice in my life.

Hopefully my friend will turn up again soon:)

The Story of the Bamboo

2010-05-22T09:38:00.002+08:00

A great friend would often remind us that 'blessed are the flexible, for they shall not break!"

Madly reading text books for college, I came acros this Chinese folk tale that reminded me of her...

The Story of the Bamboo

During a fierce storm, the bambo bends every which way the wond blows, while the other trees (eg, Oak) stand straight and resist the wind. But after the storm the bamboo tree stands proudly, looking into the heavens and reaching for life, dreams and hopes. The other trees lie on the ground lifeless and without hope because they resisted the wind; they were not flexible and did not move with the wind.

Merge

2010-05-21T21:00:00.002+08:00

A couple of weeks ago, we had a guest lecturer at college. She was great, and shared about a bredth of topics in quite a fast span of time. Topics covered included politics, aboriginal affairs, children, travel, poverty, Christianity... the list went on. It was a greatfew hours, and in the end was one of the most challenging lectures I have ever heard!!

In amongst it all, she managed to encompass my past, present and future... of what I thought I was leaving behind, am currently living, and would like to be living. It was only in the days that followed that I came to realise some things I really value- like being able to help people in need, faith and values I have comed to see as special in a whole new light.

I came out of that lecture absolutely wrecked all the way through. Much of that related to being in a very wealthy country, yet wanting to walk that balance of where I have been overseas, wanting to go further afield, and here too, but in the end was the crashing together of areas that I have kept very defined and seperate.

So, in amongst all the other things that goes on, is the slow piecing together of each area of life, and finding a new way to fit all the puzzles together into one, rather than leaving them as 3 distinct puzzles!

Shine on

2010-05-16T20:07:00.004+08:00

I am reading a weekly devotion book at the moment, called Simple Compassion, byKeri Wyatt Kent. It's a great book, and I am really appreciating the simplicity, and simutaneous complexity of the topics she covers.

At one stage she quotes Marian Williamson, from her book, Return to Love saying....

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that mos frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I love that quote, but would love to understand how the whole of it works out in action! We can all shine, and live in confidence of who we have been created to be in Christ, but I don't know how our actions liberate others unless they have first received the awareness and confidence of seeing that they can shine to manifest the glory of God that is within each of us! One day, hopefully I will work it out!

I did buy a card this afternoon for a friend though, saying...

"the world needs your kind of strength, your passion, your humour, your creativity, your heart, your mind, your brilliance. Shine On."

Go Dayspring:)

Tuesdays

2010-05-16T17:23:00.002+08:00

Tuesdays is currently my favorite day (weekday) of the week, though they all have good highlights. Tuesday though, there is a wonderful group who meets at work during lunch to do devotions together, and now, on Tuesday nights, I head north, for about an hour or more's drive, find a place to do uni work and eat, then head over to my new bible study!

I have been going to my new church for about 5 months now, and well... with any new thing, really don't like the who new routine, people, structure, getting to know you conversations and the like. But I recently decided that I was just going to go to a home group and be done with it, and it's fabulous! I am loving it, the people, the flow, starting to get to know a small group properly, and it's great! I am starting to get involved in different things that are happening too, and while it feels like it's a super slow process, it's happening. Things and involvement are slowly taking form and shape, and God has been showing me some amazing things for which I am truly grateful!:)

En route

2010-04-30T20:32:00.003+08:00

I found out tonight that something I wrote is getting published into a booklet with a number of other Christian women. It is an incredibly humbling thing, because while I don't know everyone who is in it, I know who quite a few of them are, and they are the most amazing women.

I like writing when the urge takes me, and while I have no idea what the book will look like, I know what it is intended use is. I am also amazed that I was asked to contribute, considering that the journey that took me to that point started years ago, and once I had made a decision that, well took over a year in itself, it was nearly thwarted again in a most disasterous way. I am so glad to be where I am at, to have been brought this far, and so very grateful that, while I have no idea what the destination is for much of the current things I am involved in, I know that God does, so in all of it, the crazy essay writing and random work, I am glad to be able to trust him in it all!

Story Water

2010-04-21T09:52:00.002+08:00

A story is like water
that you heat for your bath.
It takes messages between the fire
and your skin. It lets them meet,
and it cleans you!
Very few can sit down,
in the middle of the fire itself
like a salamander or Abraham.
We need intermediaries.
A feeling of fullness comes,
but usually it takes some bread
to bring it.
Beauty surrounds us,
but usually we need to be walking
in a garden to know it.
The body itself is a screen
to shield and partially reveal
the light that's blazing
inside your presence.
Water, stories, the body,
all the things we do, are mediums
that hide and show what's hidden.
Study them,
and enjoy this being washed
with a secret we sometimes know,
and then not.

-Coleman Barks (Translator), the Essential Rumi

The foolish and the wise

2010-04-18T20:09:00.002+08:00

At church this morning, we were looking at Psalm 1- a wisdom psalm. It sparked a search for a comparison between what a fool is, and who someone who is wise is. I didn't have to go to far- went back through Psalm 1, and was stuck into Jeremiah where I am reading at the moment.

So, here's a list of a foolish person, and a wise person, from God's perspective. It's not complete by any means, but covers quite alot for a few chapters!!

The fool is...
Wicked
Keeps company with sinners and mockers
Is like chaff and will blow away..
Will fall at judgement
Will perish
Doesn't know God
Has no understanding
Is skilled at evil
Doesn't know how to do good
Has no sense
Is foolish
Doesn't know God's ways
Doesn't see, hear or fear God
Is selfish, doesn't care for those in need.

The wise person.....
Is skilled at good
Is righteous and knows God
Has good sense
Deals honestly with others
Seeks truth
Delights in the Law of the Lord
Meditates on it
Is like a tree firmly planted
Stands in the time of judgement
Is among the assembly of the righteous
God watches over them

So, while I am not wise by Sydney (media portrayed) standards, it seems- half the time, well, most of the time...... hopefully I am definately not a fool by God's standards! I am so glad for God's truth, grace and how overwhelmingly and lavishly he loves us!

New Blog

2010-03-30T16:19:00.003+08:00

As if we need another new blog, especially now people have moved on to notes in Facebook, and twittering, but I need more room than than, so have begun again..:)

So, introducing Soul Beloved!

Conference last weekend

2010-03-27T15:41:00.003+08:00

I had an amazing weekend last weekend. most of it was spent at a conference run by Bill Johnson, from Bethel Church in Redding california. I have heard him speak before- a year ago, and listened to many of his talks over the years.

I so wanted to get as much possible out of last year, but was really glad for the opportunity to return again, where it sunk in so much more! Going with a friend was so special- neither of us would have gone if the other hadn't, and we both saw God moving, and working through us all in so many different ways.

Looking back there was so much I learned, and was reminded of. It was great to go back to some of the really simple lessons, such as the immense importance of knowing who we are in Christ, of seeing how God sees us, knowing that we are his children, and as such are already 'There'. We belong, not because of what we have done, but because we beleive the one who saved us.

It was incredible to see people being healed, of seeing the joy, confidence, wonder and thrill of seeing our heavenly Father loving each of us in amazingly different and unique ways.

Bring it on!:)

Fresh Air

2010-03-27T07:52:00.004+08:00

One of the quotes we were given in a lecture last week was the following. It immediately brought my post of emotional residue to mind and made me laugh! What a comparison!!

Where, for me in that case, it was 'just' feeling like I was in the process of losing a friend, it can be anything, and that residue just needs time to air out for a while:) We're not machines and all deal with things differently. Some things just take time!

"Feelings cannot be 'fixed' as if they were a torn patchwork quilt in need of a needle and thread. Like a musty blanket, feelings require sunlight, day after day, until the fresh air has finally cleared the cold dampness away."

Anne Kaiser Stearns

The tension in our hearts...

2010-02-24T07:28:00.002+08:00

I was with a new bunch of people last night, some I knew, and others I didn't. Great fun! It's the type of group I have been to hundreds of times, and yet its different, quite different.

The woman leading worship commented on how it feels to 'live' in more than one country, and the tension that creates in one's heart. It is there. It doesn't go away. I have three home countries, and when I moved the the third, remember thinking at the time, this was really silly- especially knowing what it was like to have two countries already. I wasn't wrong, but know I would rather have the tension of three home countries than two, at the same time. Special times!

It got me thinking about tension of the heart in different situations. I don't like tension. I like completeness, resolution, solutions. I would rather sort out things that run away. Unanswered questions, confusion, unsaid apolagies and explanations aren't something I deal well with. I had to laugh though because I realised that I don't like it to the point where I have said to the other person what I have wanted them to say to me, whether it's an apology or whatever.

There aren't always answers, resolutions, healing. Sometimes there's the tension in our hearts. And I will feel that till I go Home to Heaven, and that's ok:)

I have an amazing life, with awesome experiences, and people. That tension is a gift, because it reminds me that I care, and have people around the world worth caring about.

The power of the spoken word

2010-02-17T19:20:00.003+08:00

My boss has given a copy of two books to lots of people recently, having read it, and been changed by them. I have yet to read them, but hopefully will get to them soon! One is called Truth and Transformation, by Vishal Mangalwadi, and shares insights on Nations around the world, and their development from a Christian perspective.

A colleague shared something that had really struck her this week, which confirmed something I have been trying to live out. Nice when someone shares something, and it resonates!

Anyway, Mangalwadi comments...

'Postmodernism has lost confidence in words because the West has rejected its logocentric worldview. Yet the fact is that human beings creat culture and history because we speak. Words are creative because they presuppose imagination and freedom. Freedom means that our words can be true or false, liberating or deceiving, constructive or destructive. Our words can capture the invisible laws that regulate the cosmos because behind the cosmos are words- the Creator's words. Words create and transform.

Isn't it amazing that God spoke, and the world was formed, in all it's beauty, and creativity, colour, form, pattern and glory. Our words have power too, to bring life, or death, hope, or despair in how we use them, as we cut each other down, or build each other up.

I guess it's easy to think it's spoken and gone, but not so. What a gift of life we have each been given to pass onto others!!

Gaither Vocal Band I Then Shall Live lyrics

2010-02-09T21:07:00.001+08:00

Gaither Vocal Band I Then Shall Live lyrics: "I Then Shall Live by Gaither Vocal Band
I then shall live as one who's been forgiven.
I'll walk with joy to know my debts are paid.
I know my name is clear before my Father;
I am His child and I am not afraid.
So, greatly pardoned, I'll forgive my brother;
The law of love I gladly will obey.

I then shall live as one who's learned compassion.
I've been so loved, that I'll risk loving too.
I know how fear builds walls instead of bridges;
I'll dare to see another's point of view.
And when relationships demand commitment,
Then I'll be there to care and follow through.

Your Kingdom come around and through and in me;
Your power and glory, let them shine through me.
Your Hallowed Name, O may I bear with honor,
And may Your living Kingdom come in me.
The Bread of Life, O may I share with honor,
And may You feed a hungry world through me.

Amen, Amen, Amen, Amen."

Emotional residue

2010-02-05T20:55:00.002+08:00

I have been thinking through a few things over the last few days, of various recent events, of things done, not done, or shouldn't have been done.

It's fine and should be fine, but still, there is something, something attached. I was talking to someone recently, and the phrase popped out.. that in all the good, bad, and well, painful, the emotional residue remains. We remember the emotions felt, whether good or bad, painful, angry, joyful, and as we remember events, we remember the associating emotions and feelings.

I am trying to give time, space and distance to something, but the emotional residue remains. I want so much to get rid of it, to move on, and for it to be cut off, because I know what I feel hasn't been intended. It's just what happened.

In so many things, my head moves on, and yet, there is some emotional residue left... it remains stuck like a bad habit. I don't want it, know it doesn't make sense, and yet it lingers... fortunately experience says it passes, or is superseded, and we move on

Swings

2010-01-27T19:14:00.003+08:00

I love swings. Especially swings with long, long ropes, so it feels like you are flying as you arc through the air. Better yet, when there is a row of swings, or at least one other, and you're swinging with a friend.

There is that moment though, that incredible moment, when you are swinging at exactly the same speed, velocity, angle, time, keeping perfect pace with each other. Priceless.

What makes it even more precious is that you just have to enjoy it while it lasts, because usually it is just a moment, and then the two swings gradually move out of time again, but that moment of swinging in time is just.... weightless!

Fortunately it doesn't just happen when you're swinging on swings which, is lovely, because there are times when you suddenly realize that you're in that really good place of unity. It may not last forever, or it may change, or you may just be ready to get off the swing, but that moment is precious, and a priceless gift that can't be bought.

An awesome God gift!:)

The Journey

2010-01-23T19:24:00.002+08:00

It's funny what happens, looking forward, looking backwards, different perspectives, decisions.

Last year was such a year of learning new things- in so many areas, I was amazed at how much there was to learn, and there was much to learn quickly. Something I have continued to learn in different and new contexts has been to trust God, but particularly to trust God with relationships, in different ways I continue to be amazed and blessed by how gentle God is, in giving guidance, pointers, and general encouragement along the way.

Anyway, this year, a new start, home, adventures. God has new things, and while its all crazy as the changes keep happening, he has the journey sorted. He knows where the twists and turns are, and God, and me, will be able to make it through.

As the ultimate people pleaser, it has always been super hard to put all those voices, presumptions and apparent expectations aside, and follow the voice of the One who counts best, and most. So, herein lies the challenge. To live each day, listening to God first. Obeying God first.

I love this photo- it is one I took a couple of years ago while in Ireland. I love the twists and turns of the road, and of the unknown adventure of the journey ahead. God knows where the road, and that's totally awesome!

That's my Christmas present to Jesus. The road ahead.

Home is.....

2010-01-10T18:35:00.003+08:00

This morning I walked into church and something had changed.

I have been listening to the talks online for about 3 years now, and wanted to go there since returning to Sydney 1 1/2years ago. I have often gone to visit but never really felt like I could attend.

This morning, something changed. the talk was on love, family and community- things that are important to me. I felt though that I could go up for prayer, that I could sign up for a welcomers lunch, was happy to catch up with friends, be invited to a bible study and actually feel like it would be great to go!

Smething has change. And while I am back in transit-land again, I am also Home.

Home is where the heart is, home is in God's presence, my heart says here, and so here I am. Home.

There is a bit of a flip side though. There are other places that should be home, but aren't really, but I desperately want them to be. So therein lies the challenge- to bring the concept of Home from one place to another, and not vice versa. I certainly don't have the strength to express and live out that kind of love to others. But God really does, so together, I trust much good will come of it all!

"I am the New Year"

2010-01-07T19:09:00.001+08:00

Sorting through some things tonight, I came across this- something I had cut out of a church bulletin, from the beginning of 1999. Good timing:)

I am the new year.
I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.
I am your next chance at the art of living.
I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned
About life during the last twelve months.
All ha you sought and didn’t find is hidden in me, waiting
For you to search it out with more determination.
All the good that you trie for and didn’t achieve is mine to
Grant when you have fewer conflicting desires.
All that you dreamed but didn’t dare to do, all that you
Hoped but did not will, all the faith that you claimed
But did not hve, these slumber lightly, waiting to be
Awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.
I am your oportunty to renew your alliegence to Him who
Said, “behold, I make all things new.”
I am the new year.

Keeping the main thing main

2010-01-03T20:12:00.003+08:00

I went to a memorial service today, for an incredible man I have been sooooo blessed to know. He died way too young, leaving behind a family, and loads of evidence of what is important to him- God, love, relationship, grace, wholeness.

I have often thought about life, and the things that are priorities, and this afternoon's events were a challenge to me, once again. What are the important things? and how do we make the most of our lives to ensure that we keep the main things the main things, rather than let other more immediate and insignificant things take over.

It was packed out, full of people, young and old, friends that had been recent, or life long. There was much spoken of love, and the life changing impact it has had, through him to his family, sons in laws, grandchildren and many, many others (including me!).

So, as the days unfold, it has been challenging to be reminded again to ask myself if I am keeping the main thing the main thing, and living each day for all it's worth for God's glory and love...!

Stepping out

2010-01-02T13:45:00.000+08:00

It’s been a tough, tough week this last week, as I, and others very close by reach the end of 2009, and dive into the unknowns of 2010. Home and health have featured highly, with me moving in the next few days, and someone super close to me about to have a major operation. Both aren’t the final destination, and just buy time till more certainty, answers and decisions are reached.

How we have all been feeling through it all has been challenging. For me, I shut down and am super private about my feelings and emotions, hiding them away so that not even I can find them. This is fine for the big emotions that I generally don’t like to feel, like anger, hurt, sadness, but also means that, at times, I can’t tell what I think of a certain kind of music, or a band!

We have been given emotions, and for good reason too! Its ok to feel them, and express them- or it should be! Especially when its appropriate. There are times though when I feel like I go to extremes- of shutting everything off, to expressing them in a rather unrefined manner…

I have learned so much in 2009, and am excited about all that this year has to bring, and am looking forward to seeing God at work in wonderfully amazing ways. I am reminded once again of Ephesians 3:20, and ask that for each of us as we step into the new year, with all that God has for each of us, but that we would each step up to the table, and receive all God has prepared for us!

A moment

2009-12-27T09:25:00.000+08:00

Something strange happened this week. Well, it was a moment, where nothing changed, but…. Something has changed. Perspectives, relationships, definition, something foundational has changed, which has caused everything to be re-aligned. And yet, to all extents and purposes, nothing has changed… yet. But looks like it will. Some things only take a moment.

So, it is with some fear and hope, I look forward to seeing what these changes bring, and I look for something fun, daring and adventurous to do in the meantime. Current thought is a fun tattoo… but will see:)

Love in action...

2009-12-18T19:23:00.002+08:00

I have been thinking about the passage in 1 Corinthians 13, well, all year, in different contexts now. It continues to come up in different ways, and different aspects have been highlighted to me as I have journeyed through this year.

More recently, I have been reminded and challenged by the challenge, that without love we are nothing, just a clanging bell. That love is in action, an excercise in restraint, and pro-activity.

Last week, I watched the I Heart movie with a friend, which was so refreshing and eye opening- there was much to think through and review. But as they read through 1 Corinthians 13, the word trust came up again.

Love always trusts. Wow. As part of a whole context, it's easy to slip past it, but that's quite something to feel safe enough to love, but to love and trust, and actively trust people. Now that's a special thing, especially when you don't often get the chance to excercise trust in action, let alone love.

I have been so blessed this week to see it in action this week though, and while it felt like there were times when I didn't excercise that trust to the extent I wanted, there were changes.

It was a special week of love and trust in action and as this week comes to an end, am glad to have learned some good lessons, and very grateful for the love I have seen in action! I continue to have much to learn!!

A day in the country

2009-12-07T19:23:00.003+08:00

A few weeks ago, I was able to head out to Bathurst for a day to help some people set up an independant Christian shop. It was such a fun day, spent with some great colleagues, and having fun with an amazing amount of space trying to make products look good enough for people to buy!

The best bit though was the community feel of the space! The space I was looking after happened to be the shop front window (yippeeee!) which meant I was in a position to be the one people spoke to when they walk past, parked in front of, popped out of their shop front, or, because the local paper was at the corner, receive the business card of one of the writers!

It was so fun to talk to people who came by asking what was going on, giving tips and pointers, encouragement (you're in a great location), or hmm... it's a quiet street...! One was really pleased and committed to praying for the shop, and people working there, while another was going to tell everyone at church all about it!

In all, it was a lovely day of seeing community at work and at its best. Positive, encouraging, helpful, and connected. While I have been part of commnity, I haven't really been part of such a connected community for a long time, so realised again that I missed it.

Hopefully new opportunities will unfold for communities, especially as my footsteps take me to new places, and away from the community I have started to become part of where I am living now, but till then... I guess community it where you make it, and we need it here and I am enjoying supporting and encouraging these amazing people as they pursue the challenge of making this amazing shop a success:)

I have to say though, that every time I think about it, the theme song to Cheers comes to mind..:)

Postive Truth Telling

2009-11-22T20:39:00.002+08:00

I had a few conversations recently where I almost asked a question, but then didn't. They weren't bad questions or particularly controversial, but for various reasons I didn't ask.

Anyway, after the last time that happened, I was reminded of spending time with a lovely friend who had popped in for a very short time, and I hadn't seen in about 2 years. Anyway, she said at the beginning that we had to speak truth the whole weekend, and if we had a question, we just had to ask it- which was challenging and so refreshing! Maybe its the level of trust that means we can indeed ask the questions, no matter what, but it also means we have a much deeper friendship for which I am grateful.

So, I think I am going to start challenging myself to ask the questions that come to mind more, to speak the truth in a positive way that is encouraging and faith building, and see what comes of each of these friendships... will people be wierded out, or will they be encouraged, and will it be ok for me to be me, and not hold it in...

People of life

2009-11-09T18:36:00.001+08:00

I was doing a slightly different job last week at work,and the first day found me seeking out a friend to ask her something... and it got me thinking about encouraging people! She's such an encouragement to me, and LOVES seeing what God is doing wherever he's at work, and keeps an eye out for encouraging moments, whether from a sermon, something God has shown her, or seeing how God has blessed her, or others. She delights in those moments, and sharing them with others so they are blessed too!

I would love to be more like that- to see those God moments, and be able to share them with others in a joyful way that encourages them in turn! I try, but don't always succeed- often feeling in the way, and not being able to articulate what I want to say well, or just giving up for various reasons. Like all things though, I guess it comes with practice and perseverance, and keeping me eyes open for those moments of being able to bless and encourage others!:)

Our Father's banqueting table

2009-10-25T19:11:00.002+08:00

His Banner Over Me

He brought me to His banqueting table (echo).
He brought me to His banqueting table (echo).
And His banner over me is love.

I am my beloved's and He is mine (echo).
I am my beloved's and He is mine (echo).
And His banner over me is love.
Yes His banner over me is love.

And we can feel the love of God in this place.
We believe Your goodness,
We receive Your grace.
We delight ourselves at Your table, O God.
You do all things well, just look at our lives.

I am starting to see this song in a whole new light....

Blessed be your name!

2009-10-17T17:59:00.002+08:00

I love the song 'Blessed be your name' and how wonderfully it speaks of the way God gives us gifts, and while God has different purposes in the gifts, life is a gift, as is all that's within it. It's all about perspective!!

I was reminded of that song again today and of how God gives and takes away, and we can choose our attitude within the gift giving, and receiving. I have been so blessed with such alot of things this year, and so aware that there are alot of things within that that I couldn't take for granted. I have so loved the lessons learned, places, people, times spent, and knowing that through it all, it had a time limit, whatever that might be...

Next year will be fun! A few things have happened this week, and one in particular, that means that everything else will too, and while it's sad, it's exciting too! I started praying about a month for a door to open, and who knows:) Maybe it's starting!

Hopefully through it all, no matter what, I will continue to trust God in all things, and events,and as the song goes, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name!

Living example?

2009-10-07T20:21:00.003+08:00

I have an assignment due next week. I haven't started. I am living the assignment, in many ways, which is good, and very in my face.

I note my relationship style, how my affect comes into play, the anxiety I feel, and my actions that seem to follow so quickly much to my regret, all too often.

I want to get off this boat! I see the light, hope of a new road and adventure, and I want it, I choose that way, that route... but how do I get from here to there, crossing the great divide I have spent my whole life running away from?

This is where the theory becomes action and hopefully with the questions and confusions, so to will the answers.

A wise friend promised in her blog never to delete anything and today I choose the same, to remind myself of where I have been and am going. And with her wise words tonight, in a situation she knows nothing about apart from my tears, will choose once again to trust God in thoughts, words and actions.

Challenges

2009-10-06T20:27:00.002+08:00

At college we are learning alot of new things, new stories, new lives, new ways to see the past, present and future. Some things are good, and some not so good. Some are just plain emotional as we look back on painful events and memories.

We are also being challenged to rewrite our stories in different ways, and I am trying hard to take steps to do so in different ways- some easier than others. As I try and navigate some though, they are just plain challenging, and new, with new ways of thinking, reacting to others, myself and situations. Not always so much fun, as I seem to find myself in situations that aren't always friendly or pleasant, and yet it is with the hope of something better than ever!

I sometimes wish we didn't have to go through the pain and frustration of change though that often brings us out to new fresh pasture!!

Calling a spade a spade..

2009-10-05T20:34:00.002+08:00

I avoid confrontation. Argument. disagreement. distaste. dischord. anger. I hide away, and do all I can to see the good, positive and what must have been intended.....

Tonight I expressed my disagreement to something I had seen over the weekend. It was a new situation and context, new people, and perspectives, but the results of this event left a bad taste in my mouth, so... this time I rose to the challenge and have expressed that experience to the situation. I have needed a few days, and a few conversations to work out where I really stand on it all, and hopefully have been encouraging even in my disagreement of the event.

But oh, I don't like having to do it!

Should I have done it though?? We are doing a series on Titus at church at the moment, and in a nutshell, false teaching calls for comment.... it is a great series, and I will hopefully share more on it at some stage soon! But for now.....well, will see.

Stories

2009-09-30T18:45:00.001+08:00

I have been thinking about stories over the last few days, different stories, in different contexts. We all have our own story, and are part of each others. I heard the story again of the work in Hong Kong, and realised that, like so many others, I am a part of that story- even though I haven’t been there in a while now. At work, there is a story, and I often wonder at whose story it is. Is it ‘mine’- belonging to one person’s, or ours, or our’s but actually ‘mine’- belonging to just one.

I drove home this evening along a route where I pass many friends houses and as I thought of them, it was with thanks, and a wave (not that anyone sees!:)) but it was also with sadness as some have dropped off the radar a little and I wonder how much I should say, or push, or if it is just a phase, and they are just busy. They are a part of my story, and vice versa, and I love that- I think of them with gratitude, and love time spent with them- for the beautiful tapestry that has been crated by their place in my life, and hopefully vice versa..! I was thinking of the ‘story lines’ that feel like they are fading slightly, and sad, but grateful for the time spent too, but came across a friend’s blog tonight, and was blessed to see some of me in it- part of her story, and was wonderfully filled with a renewed sense of how we are part of each others story- we all have our own too, that is beautiful and unique- and realized that as we share ourselves, we don’t give that part away completely so there is less of us- it is more like the loaves and fishes! As we share ourselves, our lives, and our stories, we multiply. We grow, bear fruit, share, and there is enough, and more for everyone, in abundance!

Today, I was reading about narrative therapy- of each of us being able to tell our story- not just the extremely negative bit (as can often happen), but the positive too- and am encouraged by the new stories that are unfolding, with people known and unknown, acquaintances that may become friends, or others met in different ways… and who knows what God has in store for each of us! What an exciting adventure!