Our Story

Home group tonight, and this time it was my turn to share.
We're telling our story's right now, and wow, there's some good ones in our lovely group, and yes, tonight was timely and fun. It was such an encouragment to share, especially when mine is so different, and yes, while there are significant things that haven't happened, there are some awesomely amazing, beyond expectations for someone with such poor prospects coming out of high school.

Anyway, I was reminded tonight that while it's my story, it's actually God's story, and that's what makes it special- even before I had any idea, looking back His hand was clearly in situations, even the darkest most hopeless. I remember in the year after I finished school, someone randomly inviting me to explore a new opportunity, and feeling like all the lights had come on, and the answer, the absolute right answer had just presented itself right on time, was just amazing. And it was perfet and changed my life as it was forever.

I love that there's 3 country's involved, 7 significant people, countless other people and one awesome God. And always, a trip to London!:)

And it's been special too, to run into people over the last week who have been part of that story- a mum from the school I used to work at years ago- the child I used to look after is now about to finish high school, and today at a work conference sitting with someone who turned out to be one of the kids from my church years ago, and I am fairly sure I was one of her youth group leaders!

God is good!:)

The split again

Have been thinking about splits again today, and yes, while some, or alot can be me and my choice to react in a certain situation, there's also circumstances that one must adapt to just to cope.

And perhaps there are times to say it's not ok, and time for me to take responsibility for my choices, and start taking action for some of the things I am responsible for. And if they are my responsibility... guess it's time to give myself permission to be intentional about them too.... was glad for a restful, though crazy full day today. But took steps to get rid of some precious boxes today, and that felt rather good:)

And now am so tired I feel sick. That's a good thing, isn't it?!:)

Fun with the cream

Soooo.. after a fairly extreme weekend, full of really goods and really bads, and really, really not looking forward to this week, out all but one night in the next 7 days, an interesting work week, blah.

Anyway, I went back to the first blog in this 'series', and realised the last comment was rather a good one!:) The challenge was to have fun with the cream, dense fillings, taking time to recognize, stop, pause for a while and savour the sweet taste.

Anyway, it's been nice to look back, and yes, it's so there, in the conversations, prayers, Church, people, things I'm reading, worship I am listening to.

I was at an event last night with some people from church, and ran into the person who had come and given me a word  a couple of weeks ago. It had been overwhelming in it's lavishness, to the point where I don't really know what to do with it. He ended up telling me some of his story, and how he came to have such a gift- and what an amazing gift it is- receiving words for people (more often at work than elsewhere), and once delivered, he forgets them and can't remember them. Pretty special. Was lovely to get to know him better, but hear how God works through him.

So, expecting this to be a fresh start, of seeing God continue what he has started, and bring them to fullness in Him, and yes, will go into this week expecting it to be an awesome one, and look forward to all that's ahead for this coming year!

Stop

So, how many people like feeling uncomfortable? Awkward? Not in a safe zone? I certainly don't, and find that most of the time I want to disappear and be as far removed from the situation as possible. There's times when I get to sit in an uncomfortable conversation, or situation, that you can't leave, but have to sit with, or sit with someone through a process, and that's ok. There's the challenge of staying connected through that, and special to see unexpected outcomes.

Going on a journey can involve being uncomfortable, and that's ok. We learn so much out of these times, about ourselves, and others as they respond. I was reminded tonight that disappearing would work well for me, or not owning up to something,and thinking about when you don't own up to things you're not proud of.... the shame takes over rather. And then it's a whole horrible cycle all over again. We're so easy to judge ourselves, and well, place infinately more 'value' on the negative rather than positives.... I think I would vastly prefer to be honest, own up to mistakes and deal with them rather than pretending they don't exhist, while all along feeling rather ashamed...

I still have an awful lot to learn.

I don't know

Have you every said ‘I don’t know’ in a public situation? It’s an amazing thing to behold- the immediate and longer term implications. There are so many things I don’t know, and so many things of God that I wonder at and really, really don’t know. And I’m ok with that. But here and now, ‘we’ are supposed to have all the answers, the direction, the plan.

God is so beyond our understanding, and it’s challenging to walk into more of the unknown with Him. But it’s exciting too, liberating, and really special. I want to hold onto those moments tightly, but know too that they will not be held but received with open hands.

I don’t know what God is doing, but know it’s good. So glad for reminders, for seeing words received take shape, for being more deeply aware of his goodness.

It's an awesome wonder to behold to see God fill the unknown and see a glimpse again of his perspective, and understand all over again how awesome He is:)

Repairing the split

A few months ago a couple of random, completely non-related things happened, which got me thinking hard, and as a result I decided to take up an activity project as a commitment to stand in this season in a certain way. Sadly the project has largely fallen by the wayside, but the season has been good.

It got me thinking about why somethings happpen or don't, why I can process or take up an activity internally or not. It struck me that there is a split between the 2, that there are instances where it's a case of self preservation over vulnerability, openness, connectedness within my inner world and outer world.

There are some projects I can pick up and carry, and others I can't, but are, for example, part of caring for myself, and  to do all the other things, I know these should be a priority. There are moments when the divide meets, which is great and scary.

I guess it's seeing a divide in a new way, seeing moments when the divide has been crossed, and wanting to find ways to see it happen more... living authentically wherever I am, whoever I am with..

Keep your love on

One of my favorite speakers is Danny Silk, from yes, Bethel in Redding, California. One day I will get there, but till then, I will go to as many conferences as I can when they are here and listen to their weekly talks online.

He and his wife are strong advocates for family life, and creating a culture of honour. I have read his book, Culture of Honour a couple of times now, and been to the conference- which gave a whole other perspective.

With creating that culture of Honour, and working with children, a big element is maintaining the love connection, even when one person stuffs up, whether big time, or little, how do you maintain the love and relationship connection?? It's pretty awesome how he explains it, and how you see it lived out with different people. I know that when I am in contact with people who live it out, it's always, well, almost jarring, it's so surprising, and safe, refreshing, and they are easily some of the people I most enjoy spending time with.

I was listening again to one of Danny's recent talks, and he was talking about being fierce, and how one lives like that. He described Fierce as 'untamed bravery'- it's the over and above, stepping out beyond yourself, your insecurities and 'can'ts' to love others beyond yourself, your concept what you can do, for their benefit, whatever that might be.

So often it's when we're afraid, or feeling unsafe that our love 'comes off', that we become afraid, and act out of a place of fear, self preservation, protection and defensiveness, which can have a hugely negative effect on the relationship. So, keeping your love on even when you're scared can be a challenge. It's a hugely vulnerable place to be, but pretty awesome when you realise you're in a safe place too!! So, working hard to keep my love on at the moment, even when I don't understand and I don't feel safe- though it's been so worth it in a few situations!!:)

God's promises

God's promises are so awesomely amazing!! Having had a few 'words' given to me over the last few months that have been surprising, and super encouraging, even when I haven't understood them (or even when the giver was more freaked out by the word than anything...:)), it was a a really special moment a week ago at church when someone came up and gave me something that was a promise, and almost a bringing together of many other key events that have happened over the last few months. It has caused me to wonder at it all, and ask alot of questions, but also been a challenge to pray what God has said and not read into it what's not specifically there- the potential confirmations.

Wonderfully Phil shared on promises at church last week, which was rather awesome timing. I loved that he then got people to write down promises that they felt they had received from God, and that many were about God never leaving us, always being close, of his overwhelming love, and the intimacy of relationship.

God's promises are ones we can believe, no matter what, He doesn't change his mind, He is always faithful, and will always keep the promises He has made. I loved the reminder too that we can embrace them, not be defined by our human limitations and perspectives, they are framed in God's timing, detail, and process. And in it all, we can trust and obey that he is worthy, has the absolute best interests at heart for each of us, that when JEremiah 19:11 says He knows the plans for us, it's for each of us, not just 'us' out there...

Too often I lose sight of the right perspective, so it's nice to come back to where it is, with God's promises.

Jenn Johnson on God speaking to us.

I went to a worship evening a few weeks, ago, with my favorite worship pastors at the moment, Brian and Jenn Johnson. Part of the evening included them telling their story. The comment that Jenn made that stuck out enough to write it down was the following:

‘ All the confirmations in the world are great but mean nothing until God speaks to you about it’

As someone who can connect things, coincidences and circumstances like a dot to dot drawing in such a way that the turtle actually looks like a princess, it has been a beautifully freeing thing to treat things as they are, rather than judging a situation, or series of events, but take the things that God has been speaking to me about, and trust them back to him… pretty awesome of Him, pretty hard at times to trust, especially as I want to revert back to old habits so often.

Love how God uses situations in ways completely unexpected!!

Vision

I stayed back for church tonight, which was way better than I was hoping or expecting, not because I didn’t think it would be good, but because I was out all day, and possibly needed home time, especially on a Sunday night, but as always, it was so worth it.

They are going through a  series of talks on  vision, which morning church has also done recently, but it was really special to do it again. Having listened to a talk on promises this morning, there was a beautiful parallel as we each took a piece of chalk outside to write a one word vision for the church that we each have. It was awesome to look around at the end and see the creativity, diversity and unity throughout each word.

We were then challenged to take that word to live it out in our home and work environments.

Mine was love, because, as I look back over this year, it’s been a theme, in the verses, challenges, words people have had for me. More striking to me, having had this developing theme, then church this morning on Promises, and then vision tonight, was the tying together and outpouring of the theme, but also the confirmations.

Love seems like such an easy thing, so common, normal and attainable, but it’s the ‘putting another first’, in a way where they get the benefit, is anything but easy, whether it’s with people who love Jesus, or don’t, such as in the case of many of the people I work with- and I am their only reference point.

So, in the vision tonight has been a confirmation of the promises spoken out, which has been pretty cool, and while I don’ t know what God has in mind, am reminded that God has a plan for me, not just us, the he is a Good God who loves us in ways I am only just getting a bit more of a glimpse of.

Once again grateful for this season.

Rest

Rest is such a funny thing.

Life is busy and full, and the weeks leading up to this past week particularly full, some bits away, and some bits while at home. I came home from one 'away' time and from the moment I set foot back in the door, knew it wouldn't be restful, or the rest I needed. This past week though has been rest-filled though- not less busy, and certainly not earlier nights- if anything, later.

But in all of this week, there has been rest. The peace that is good. There's been no understanding it, and who knows how long it will last (though, another week is a nice possibility:))

Rest in the Bible is something that puzzles me somewhat. In a day where it's so much more important sounding to be busy all the time, way too busy, God places such value on rest, and doing things, and working from a place of rest. It would be so lovely to live within that, and I am grateful to have a taste of something like that this week. I want more!:)

Church family

I love my church! My experience go up and down, and while it's not perfect by any means, it's so special to me.

While I had listened to podcasts and visited over the years, it was when I walked in to stay that I came home. I love that! Especially as, for alot of the time, it's been somewhere I have often felt out of place, and not quite a right fit in all of it, but overall it's the right place.

I won't count the things I am involved in there, and really don't know, for which I am glad, because I love being part of all of them and wouldn't really want to change anything.

There's times when all is good, life is well, church is fab, God is at work and I can see it clearly in a myriad of different ways.
And then there's times when I get lost. In what's not, hasn't been, what's lacking in me and who I should be. And as I come out of that and see again clearly, it seems, I often wonder what's stopped me, held me back and put dark walls around me.

How does one take that leap of faith rather than forever standing on the edge?? How awesome would it be to live in the leap, of that moment of soaring, and trusting God completely....? Because that's the place where you're eyes are fixed so firmly on Jesus there's no room for anything else- least of all self doubt.

Something to think about some more!

Seeing through a glass darkly

I still give a Chistmas present to Jesus each year, and this, for 2011, was mine. It's funny, as you come up to the time when a gift is due, and you start thinking about it early enough to get just what you want. In this case, it took a while longer and took a trip around the world.

As I came to this year, there was alot that was going to be new. I was stepping out of a few things, and into a new unknown. Looking back, it's been good. I was struck by the concept of what's in each of our hands. I was looking at mine again, and there's nothing there, but as I had thought about the Christmas gift for last year, I loved the visual of a Christmas decoration being held, but one that was glass, and you could only see through partially. 

I love the imagery of seeing through a glass darkly, and so often that's what we do here. We don't fully see, or understand, or comprehend the bigger picture, but trust (or try very hard to!) the One who has it all complete in himself.

Having to hunt around for the passage for a bit, and finding it in 1 Corinthians 13:12..

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (NIV)

But then, the KJV is pretty awesome too.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

I loved the picture, because there is much in my hands (even if I don't see it), but my role is to use what I have, and while I can only see and understand partially what it's all about, that's ok.

And yes, being October, time to start thinking about what my gift will be for this year!:)

Keep praying

So, started off the day with some Bill Johnson awesomeness. Love the way he understands, loves, draws close, and encourages others to draw close to God. He started off talking about what if God doesn't answer prayer. Thanksgiving. No matter what.

Then an email came in saying that the health that came was temporary.

And the prayers I have prayed almost since I knew to bring these prayers to an awesome, lovingly Heavenly Father. And prayed.

And prayed.

God is good:)

Stories

Someone sent me information about a new job that's just been advertised yesterday, which was nice, fun, and challenging- but also a 'stop and check' why am I doing my current one, and one of the main reasons I returned to was that I like the conversations I get to have there, but also the stories I get to tell others about the amazing people I come across each day at work. I like being an advocate, and standing in the gap for them, whether it's raising awareness of the people behind the headlines, or making sure they know what will happen to them if their spouse dies of the cancer they have just been diagnosed with.

Home group tonight was an informal event- it's been a few weeks, so was catching up... it also involved lots of challening questions. The person hosting showed a couple of film clips that's been immensley challenging for their journey thus far, which brought great discussion about your usual... healing, miracles, expectations, raising from the dead... God Goodness.

Normally in this context I have stories to share- loads of stories, and awesomely good God- glorifying ones. But they're not mine. They are friends overseas, in far off places, or people at church, or other churches closer to home. I believe them, and love to share them, but like so many good stories, they belong to someone else and someone elses experience. It was a special privelege to pray with some friends for somene last week, and to see healing come, and to be able to share that God story this evening. While it's not confirmed, the feedback was an awesome answer to prayer, so are looking forward to seeing what God does in her life, and the lives of those who were part of it and not necessarily familar, and those who have heard about it since.

It's a surprising season I'm in. God is good:)

Thinking, feeling, doing

In counselling speak, there's a process related to CBT (Cognitve behavioural therapy) which I often refer back to as it's such a simple idea, and easy to remember and excercise when needed.

You think something which leads to feeling, which leads to a certain action. So, if it's negative, it will lead to negative outcomes, and if it's positive it will lead to positive outcomes.

In a job when there's lots of space in the day (compared to what I'm used to), it's easy to get distracted by things, feelings, thoughts, ideas, that really have no place in my life, so it's quite the challenge to 'take each thought captive', and be faithful with the time, energy and resources I have, and seek new ways to make the most of it, or merely persevere with things I know will hopefully be useful, like cold calling students, and seeking them out. Fortunately, there's lots of fun things that do come along throughout the day, not to mention people with crazy amazing stories.

Some verses often come back to me at those times, and others when I am reminded of the 'cream'. Jeremiah 29:11 is such a famous verse, and so awesome, but the truly challenging, extraordinary, humbling, gems of verses to me, are the ones following.

And, because I have landed on The Amplified Version, here it is.
Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

¹² Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you.

¹³ Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will release you from captivity and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I caused you to be carried away captive.

I love the call to intimacy, of being found, of having to seek God with all my heart. When life seems to say that so many other things should have a claim on  my heart first, it's nice to be reminded that seeking God with all my heart is not only an added extra, but a first response.

The Cream

So, thinking about the cream... I have been trying to identify the difference, and in it all would have to say it's God's presence and power working in and through me, the relationship I have with Him is where all the goodness comes from, so out of there that the meaning, strength and rest is. And out of all the 'biscut', it becomes richer and stronger as a result.

I went to a different church a few weeks ago which I really enjoyed. It had a similar atmosphere to the one I go to.. it wasn't slick, or perfect, but everything was done from the heart. One of the verses shared has stayed with me since then.

Psalm 127: 1-2 (NIV)

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchmen stand guard in vain.
² In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to^[a] those he loves.

Everything comes out of God's love and rest. Not labor and striving.

So a nice reminder to dig in deep with God, all over again:)

Family

Today was a fun day, full of immediate family, and my sister's parents in law. It was the family birthday celebration of my two eldest nieces, and while none of the other side of the family could come in the end, or my brother's new girlfriend, it was a good day. Today was spend, as normal for one of these days, with the kids, helping out, playing, keeping things moving while the grandparents on both sides sat and chatted.  

It's always such a funny day- two very different families getting together, with different 'rules', and relationships. My sister, her husband and his family are open, talk, discuss, and want to understand things, whereas on my side, it's much more, well, there's only ever one answer to a question that is ever considered right. Makes for some very interesting discussions, especially when it comes to theology, and discussions about how famiy should be and what the influencing factors are! I love spending time with the 'other' side of the family, and am always so blessed to be invited to their Christmas days. But when both are together, the kids are always a much more fun option:)

Family is a leveller, and divider. You are part of each other, your history and future, and there's the need to work through things, or ignore enough to get through, but at the end of the day, a need to stick together no matter what differences of opinion you might have. John Wimber called the church a family, a hospital, a school, an army. Pretty cool. A challenge too in how we see all of these, and how we react and respond to each. Hm. When I think of church, yes, in my head, it's family first, but hospital and school would encompas more of what I will be doing tomorrow. Interesting.. will have to keep reading the book"The way in is the way on", and see what tomorrow brings!

Line in the sand

October is notoriously my least favorite month of the year. Every time. Growing up it was the lead up to November, which yes, spring, my birthday, nearly holidays, Christmas and loads of good things. It was also the lead up to exams, of not meeting expectations, ever, failing, and not just in the subject, but as a person.

It's been a while, I while I know that much of it isn't true any more, there's still residual effects that cast a shadow. So, I was aware of it this year, and thought I had it licked, or at least was aware enough to have made plans, but surprises always surprise, and unexpected events can have their way of making their presence felt. Strongly.

So, back to blogging for the next few weeks. Why, so I can draw a line in the sand, so I can record and mark new beginnings. Unfortunately, this will be the least positive out of all of them(I trust!!), but also guessing it's been so long since I have posted anything that it won't be read anyway.

So, planning to blog for the next weeks- at least till my birthday:)

The last few days have been really hard. Surprisingly so.Yesterday, I was reminded of so many things I am not. I am so aware of them, and so familiar, and often it's ok. I know the lack. I am not married. I do not have children. I am not Young like many others. I am not heard by people I wish would hear me. I am not the absolute favorite of just one person who I would in turn like to have as a favorite. I want to say it's fine.

Lots recently has been awesome, special, and really fun. An old friend is back, which I am loving, and who I really enjoy doing life with, but as they have returned, I need to be ready for when they leave again. Unless God intervenes and makes the new season different to ones in the past, keeping the friendship more active than it has been, the wind will change and I will have to remember that they are  *still* a friend, and I was not the stop gap inbetween. I have done it before, and will do it again and forgive the unintended hurt and get on with the New, and rejoice joyfully and freely in all that God has for them. There's awesome things in store for them:)

But, while it's not fine, I do know and have been wonderfully encouraged, that God is Good, he's not forgotten, and while it seems that my life mission is to support and cheer others on (which I love!), I would love to see my life as being fuller, not of programs and committees, of groups, practical fun and being involved with different things....but in the gaps between it all, have those fillings be the best bits of the lot. Actually, I have a picture of an oreo cookie right now- the biscut bit the doing, the jobs, roles, things I'm involved with, but the real goodness is the cream in the middle....

So, there's my challenge for the next while, I guess- to have fun with the cream, dense fillings, taking time to recognize, stop, pause for a while, and savour the sweet taste.