An empty basket

It's that time of year again, Christmas. Gift giving at its finest. Shopping at its craziest, and preparations in all their glory. I was hit in the face for the first time ever today by a man. Christmas shopping. Albeit by accident, and crossing the road, but it was quite a shock, nonetheless.

And this is the time for looking back, and looking forward, of gift giving for Jesus. 

This year has been one of love. Of learning to freely love, and freely give that love. For some, it has been a continual forgiving of a thousand and one different hurts that they don't realise they have done, because they are in a hugely different place to me. For others, it has been learning to love freely and lightly, passing on what has been given to me to give to them. More recently it's been a painful giving, because it has stretched me beyond my natural capacity to be where they have been. It has been putting down my 'stuff' to be with them in their space. It has been learning to love and live with housemates, friends, family, work with clients, be involved in things in the community and beyond. It has been discovering just how Good God is, and how much I have to give away.

This last year has been about my loves.

I was listening to Bill Johnson recently, and some if his talk comes to mind. He and his wife talk about giving in the most extraordinary way. It is over, way over and above lavish. But what struck me is what God has been teaching him more recently. Of when to give and when not to give. Sometimes it's fruit, and sometimes it's a branch. Better to give the fruit from the branch that will go on to bear more fruit, than to give the branch that won't bear fruit again.....

It comes to mind now. Because maybe in some cases I have been giving my everything. The branch, and it have nothing left. Perhaps it's time to rethink a few things.

Having a conversation recently, someone commented 'but everyone loves you!'. My reaction was, so?! That's lovely, and I love them back, but what does it matter if 'everyone' loves me if no One, or Ones love me. Or, this far out, there are no plans for New Year's Eve. I don't have a family of my own, so my friends, the closest group of friends around me becomes hugely important to me. They become the place of being honest, real, in the good and challenging times, and of finding a way through to a new place. Too often with friends, it's easier to walk away, or let a friendship just fade into the background. There seems to be a real art and wisdom in working out which one should invest in. Do we love all equally, or invest deeply into a few. And what if they walk away anyway, or you realise you might just be useful, because you're trying to live love differently.

For my birthday, I felt very strongly that the message for the year, was Loved. Not love and how much I love, but knowing deeply and truly, how much I am loved. I don't really have a great sense of that, in any context- more often it is like a door being opened briefly and the most heavenly smell wafting out. I want the full banquet.

So this year for His birthday present, I am giving Jesus an empty basket, that He can fill it with his love, from him directly, or through others. In his way and timing, not as I would prefer. He knows how I best see, recognise and receive love, so I will leave it up to Him. But He loves me best and I love him most, but I know there is so very much,much more.

But mostly I am giving this, because I have a hunch that the more love I give, the more I receive and am filled, to give more love away, and the giving keeps giving because we keep receiving. But if we keep receiving in abundance, the giving will multiply, so I hope, the giving will continue to grow, my capacity to love others will grow, and my natural capacity will stretch, and the joy with loving and giving will grow beyond the pain of being stretched....

I am convinced there is more. More from and for God. More for us, and more from us. It taps into the core of who we are and the places we most want to protect. And that's safe. But grey. Bland.

There's more love and that's where we each truly live fully.

Scars

I was looking at my most recent scar recently, and amazed at how distinct it still is. Doesn't hurt at all, but is distinctly there. It got me thinking about some of my other scars. I have one on my finger, from ice while adventuring out with some little people in the freezing cold, middle of Wales, and a couple on the base of my foot from a rock pool off the south of France. There is the one on my forehead from moving day in Hong Kong, and then there are the ones that I have no memory of, like the one on my wrist.

The thing with them all is, I remember the adventures, the people I was with, what was going on around me, but. I don't remember the pain or hurt at all. They all have a story to tell, and a special adventure, people and memories surrounding them, and I guess that's often the way with most scars, both seen and unseen. They can leave a mark, but not necessarily the pain if we treat them properly and make sure they heal well.

It's a nice reminder that God is good all the time, that he uses all things for good, to help us grow, that he doesn't leave us where we are at, but wants us healed and restored, even though things might leave a mark, as a reminder. Those scars and marks are what makes each of us unique, and we all have them in some way or other. It's often just a matter of recognising them and valuing them for what they are, and how they have shaped who each of us is, and is becoming. 

Infused Values

I went to a wedding last weekend. Nothing too unusual about that- have been to ALOT of weddings over the years. I don't tend to think about them too much- they are planned from the perspective of the bride and groom. It's their day, they look awesome, in love, happy, they get married, and so far as I know, none of the marriages I have ever been to have ended in divorce. Thank you God!!

It can be so easy to comment on the look and feel of the wedding, the dress, hair, flowers......lovely, all of them in their own way.

What I am about to say though, doesn't diminish how special all the other weddings have been, or the people who have been in them.

The wedding I went to has got to have been the simplest one I have been to, or among the simplest. And it was spectacular!! It was gentle, fun, and there was tears from the bride, and the groom as she walked down the aisle.

What particularly stood out to me was their heart and values, both for their marriage, and for their lives together as they live out their marriage, and relationship with each other, and with Jesus with others.

The talk was one of the first wedding talks I have been to where I took notes.... 

The heart and values of the couple is to love and serve each other in their marriage, and to love and serve those around them, so the first thing they did as a married couple was to wash each other's feet. The minister then spoke on the act and process of washing one another's feet. It's a rare thing to have ones feet washed by another, especially with purpose and intention. Like anything, it can become a ritual, and lose the heart and meaning, but when done with intention, with heart, and with purpose, it becomes a humbling act, a welcome, an invitation. It says 'I welcome you and want you in my space'.

It stood out so beautifully to me, because it reflected their heart In such an extraordinary way that I haven't seen in a while. It reflected who they are, their values. 

I don't often think about my wedding, because, well, I am not the only one involved. But this one got me thinking about it, and while I want it to look good and be lovely, mostly I want it to reflect the values that will be taken into the life being created. 

There have been a few men who have been keen to travel that route with me, and sadly I haven't returned the hopes. And maybe that's what I am holding out for. Something a little bit different.

Faith, expectation and gift giving

I bought a gift for a baby last night. It's perfect. I know one of the parents, but..... They are single. As far as I know, there isn't Someone Special, but when they do meet, date, marry and get to the point of having children, this baby's outfit will be perfect for their first bub. 

I have done this once before, but in that case the couple were married and trying for children by then, so it was pretty special to see their little one wearing said outfit. So... The outfit tonight may be a bit premature,but I am looking forward to passing it on in good time. And I am looking forward to the answered prayers and how God shows His lavish love in a whole new and awesome way.

Last weekend someone posted a photo on Instagram of a wedding they were at in New Orleans. I didn't think too much of it, until more and more people were posting pics. Turns out that the person I initially 'met' via blog, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook was getting married, and all the people I have come to know through his work were all there and celebrating the fantastic day with him. Nothing too personal about that, really. But it was a really cool surprise answer to prayer! You see, I have been reading his blog, twitter and books for a few years now, and through the helpful (or probably unhelpful benefit of social media!) I knew he had arrived at a broken engagement. From all I had come to know, I could imagine it was incredibly painful, at best. So, it was fantastic to see photos of his wedding popping up as people all around celebrated with them.

This year has very much been themed around love does. Of love in action, loving with what I have to give. That has looked different in different situations, but one of them has been the praying bit. Love involves relationship, and I have been struck often by the disconnect between the awesome people I know, who are single. It doesn't make sense to me that God has created us for relationship, and there are so many awesome people who love Jesus and yet don't necessarily have the same opportunity as a married person to have children, and pass on their love for and relationship with Jesus in quite the same way. And yes, all the cool things that marriage involves. Not saying one is better than the other, just that we are made for relationship and God seems to have a thing for relationship, family, and go the generations. And I am fairly sure all the people I am thinking of want to be married and/or parents, and would be amazing at both. Am sure this taps into a whole of other theological discussion, but that's for another time and place.

So, it has been a rewarding, though often interrupted and challenged journey of starting a list of people to pray for, whether to meet, or marry, or for those wanting children, or getting to know Jesus as their own Lord and Saviour. The list often disappears off my phone... So it can be particularly purposeful to remember, to check, and keep the list up to date, to add to the list. The best thing though this year, has been to see answers to prayer, to see people meet someone, or any step along the marriage/ children journey. It's not complete yet and the list continues to grow and change which is fun, but am enjoying seeing God at work in different ways. Hoping this will be a lifelong list that keeps growing, changing and is an awesome testimony of God's awesome goodness. Hm. Am going to a wedding today that wasn't on the cards a year ago!! Bring it on!!:)

And I am so looking forward to meeting this baby and seeing him/her wearing this awesome outfit!

Feedback for all it's worth

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. Brene Brown

I sent in a letter of, well, complaint this week. I rarely do this, but the issue was a big pain to me, avoidable, and well, hasn’t happened before in every other time. I dread the response though. Dread them saying it might be my fault, or not hearing what I have to say. Dread their lack of empathy, awareness, or understanding of how impossible what they are expecting me to do, now is. So, while I believe I did the right thing the whole way along, I might not get what I thought I would, and on top of it, might be told it’s my fault, because of something that was completely out of my  hands, expectations, and their service.

There is the niggling sense of guilt, because even though I wrote about the issue in a positive light, I am not sure they will receive it, they may only see the negative, in me, and the situation. And really, I would prefer not to have to do it.

I don’t like brokenness, miscommunication, negativeness, whether genuine or perceived, and would do many things to avoid it, or try and fix it as soon as possible inasmuch as I can, to the point of saying sorry when I know I don’t need to, just to get out of an awful situation. And when it is among people for whom I am known, then it just baffles me that they often don't see, or try to see what I am saying, or trying to do. I don’t like saying things that could possibly be seen as negative, and will often feel terrible, or that lovely sense of guilt until I get a response.

And sometimes it doesn’t come and you’re left hanging. That’s often the worst. I like dialogue and feedback, and find silence the hardest to deal with, especially if I have said something that might possibly, vaguely, potentially have been taken as a “bad” thing. With that comes a lot of choosing, choosing and more choosing, of trust, faith, self-talk and a lot more self-talk as I wait. And wait. And learning to sit with it, to sit with the silence, and trust in the strength of the relationship, and maybe, just maybe (well, usually, really), see what is at the other end.

And with the letter. It is a pain, they didn’t deliver as promised and the alternative is impossible for me to achieve, so I will have to be ok telling them so. No matter how ick I feel.

There are so many things it circles around. Truth and relationship, value and worth, connection and dialogue…. And being ok to say, to feel, to express that… to be yourself fully and valued in all of that, not just what the other chooses.

And as a ps to my complaint, the first response I received was a survey…………….!;)