Spring is nearly here and I have spent some more time in my garden recently. We had a gardener come in at the beginning of winter and some work, and as part of it he cut off a long stalk of one of my favourite plants. I guess I knew it had to go, but it was so pretty(read: the flower had been so lovely when it was alive!!) and I had hoped it could stay. But it didn’t. I am glad it wasn’t me who made the decision, and wish it could have stayed, but it’s gone. In its place now, with spring coming, is new life. Where there was one stalk there’s now a multitude, and I am not convinced that they would be there if it wasn’t for the removal of the first stalk. And so I am looking at the new growth and opportunities that are well on their way!
Until a few weeks ago, I thought I was going in a certain direction. New things had started and were growing. New opportunities had come up and I had said that yes, I would explore this. I would jump all in and go for it. I would see what life would look like ‘like this’. It was big, exciting, promising, full of all the things I had hoped for over so many years.
And then I pulled the plug.
That was hard, painful, went against everything I had hoped for and thought that this time, I might be going. Worst of all, I am the ‘bad guy’ in all of it. Sigh. I had hoped and wanted it to go one direction and in the end went the opposite way. There’s regret and grief for what could have been and what isn’t. And there's what now is lingering in its place right now, in the space that has been carved out for what might have been.
When do you choose to go all in though, and what stops you? One of the hardest thing has been second guessing myself. Asking all those unaskable questions, the what ifs, or buts. If I had gone on would things have worked out as I had initially hoped??
Which way is the right way. It’s going to cost something either way. But what cost bears fruit and what cost doesn’t.
In the end what does it come down to? I had so many questions, most of which I couldn’t ask. And now I have so many questions that again will go unanswered, at least for now.
In the end, I could have stayed, or I could have left, and there was enough incentive to do what I didn't want to do and walk away, so trusting myself, trusting God is what remains. Heartache, loss and grief, yes. Gratitude, good memories, new valued people, yes, and a learning opportunity, to grow, and give space to a new season and see what comes.
As part of that, I hope to blog more, and differently. It's time for a new theme for this place, a new seasoning and atmosphere, so, let's see what comes.
