The inciting incident for life change is almost always
heartbreak- something becomes broken beyond repair, too heavy to carry; in the
words of the recovery movement, unmanageable. (Shauna Niequist Present over
Perfect)
So much of my heart has broken in recent years. I am not
sure when it started. Maybe it was after the first time in high school,
earlier? Maybe later. In the big and the little incidents that have pulled
parts of my heart away that I have held close, held dear, held too tightly. In
the last four years or so, it has been broken and broken and broken in
different little and bigger ways. Either self-inflicted as I have studied
counselling and pulled myself apart to allow myself to be put together again,
or when friends and loved ones have exercised their free will to choose, or to
leave, and in some cases my heart has broken as I have been the leaver, or the
one to allow things to stop, or lie broken.
In the last year I had reached a point again where I had thought
life was going to change again. It was exciting, hope-filled and going in a
certain direction, and yup, I was happy to head that way with my whole life.
And then it didn’t. Badly, Sadly. Broken heartedly. And then you pick yourself
up yet again and take a new look at what was and is and one hopes to come.
I am learning that life is one of constant laying down, of
releasing and holding with open hands. It’s offering what is, not what we think
it should look like or want it to look like- all those expectations that we
place upon ourselves, others, and vice versa. And it might look empty and
isolate, but it also creates space for picking up our best and the best in
others, and to allow ourselves to live an authentic life that allows us all to
be whoever we are truly created to be. It’s messy and doesn’t make the best use
of our time. It may not look magazine perfect, but it’s our present and our
life. Our people and our hope. I am learning to be ok with laying expectations
down, hopes and dreams and being ok with what is, and giving space for what is
to come. There are so many opportunities and possibilities as a result and in
laying some things down which look perfectly good- just not good for me, it
gives space to what is better, is a more natural fit- it gives space for the
impossible!
Life is currently in the middle of impossible- a space I
never, ever thought would be possible in a million years. In this way or on my
own and yet it’s an impossible situation that is right in the middle of
happening! It’s exciting, hopeful, looks different to what I thought life would
be like, but looks real, and spacious and hope-filled. I don’t know what it
will all look like or how it will turn out, or how big the changes will be. I
have a sneaking suspicion that I might be limiting the ‘change’ to one area of
life when actually it’s much deeper, broader and far reaching. And that’s ok
with me! It’s in God’s good hands! And in the steady breaking open, it’s
allowing the new in and bringing life in a whole new way. I know it will break
and break and break, but that’s not where it finishes- that’s the start. It’s
in the healing and repair and rebuilding that new life comes, and the seasons
continue.
