Planting and growing confidence.

There is such a difference in ways of instilling confidence in a person. I have just handed in my last ever assignment for this degree. I can't beleive it.

There is a huge part of me though, that wants the quick rush of someone like my supervisor saying, yes, you're a great counsellor... and yet, I know that it would be superficial, a quick fix, like fast food that just wouldn't satisfy.... because in all honesty it would be feeding my vanity. And yet, there's something in wanting that affirmation.

On the other hand, his not commenting, of gentle expectation of the delivery of what I have done. It's the process, growing from experience, and just steadily working away at it. Growing confidence, deep down sureness from within. Even through the set backs, delays, mistakes and challenges it's been quite a journey! This has been planted, and grown, and while it's still a little plant, it's coming along steadily:)

Running away

It's funny how fast something turns around, the nuances of a conversation, the realisation of what means something to you, meaning something entirely different to others. The sudden forks in the road, choices to be made, in attitude, direction, conversation, commitment.

And suddenly, you realise that it's all about running away. While all it all looks well and good and well on the outside, it's actually a series of split second moments of avoiding the awkward moment, choice, or just trying to stay out of someone else's way, because it just doesn't seem to be room for you both.

When. Actually there is room, opportunity, possibility to mend the broken or wounded, or just reconnect. Opportunity to grow.....

I believe in...

Peter Pan was always one of my favorite movies and books, and it's been fun to see Tinkerbell take off in a whole new level, with her own story and generation to delight. One of my nieces in particular loves her. From the moment she laid eyes on her at the age of nearly 2, I think, Tink has been her favorite- not bad considering she's now 4!!! Spending time with the girls means I know most of the Disney catch phrases, including 'I believe in Fairies!', which most of them do, or will grow to.

One of the areas of my new job, well, prac anyway, is that I get to spend an hour with a person essentially saying 'I believe in you!'. I am just me, but wow, the power of transformation that they go through as they make choices and decisions. There's ways and means of doing this, and I think back on other times when I have, or have not got it right, with friends and others I care about, and, well the not getting it right makes me sad, especially when it's well meant.

But. Here and now, being intentional, learning and understanding better, it is a delight to see internal and external tranformation happen. Pretty special!

A different kind of cheer leader:)

A new compass

I had a conversation today, with a woman from a country I know well. She was close to History when it happened so many years ago, when it changed a massive nation. And now, as a woman, she and her mother have sought to navigate the changes that were brought, both prior to, and as a result of those days so long ago.

For most of the time, her compass was her mother, and living a story that was more free than her own. Too often, it brought her back to the entrapment that she sought to escape so fiercly. More recently, she was introduced to a Heavenly Father who brings a whole other level of freedom, relationship, hope, future. She has been given a new compass. And, like a ship that needs to change direction, she is discovering a whole new way of living, and seeing life. The decisions that brought freedom from her initial traps now need a whole new freedom, and hopefully true and lasting freedom.

Talking to her also gave new insight to why a culture is changing the way it is, why the role of women seems to be going downwards, and slavery and prostitution are taking on ever new life. The initial concepts were designed to bring freedom and yet.... they have brought deeper slavery..... but that's another post right there....

Her story, I suspect isn't uncommon, but I wonder how often the outcome is similar.

Holding patterns

This is a week for telling a new story. The one so far has been one where all the mistakes are highlighted, there is so darn much to do and one perspective of what one needs to do is entirely different to another's. So, doing things twice - while so avoided has become common practice.

Once again, I wish I had the words to say in each and every situation, that I could communicate what I meant. Hearing back what others have 'heard' has been painful and so frustrating, because it has sounded like they have been talking about someone else, and while I am 'here', it's the memory of someone else who lingers, and their shadow that I still come under.

Someone posted a quote: 'The purpose of refinement is always to make us 'objects of beauty', NOT to leave us scarred and disfigured for life.'

I don't know what's next, but right now, I wish I could make the most of it, not keep it in a holding pattern only to pass it on to another.

Being yourself

Periodically, circumstances present themselves when suddenly it appears that, to be yourself is plain "NOT ENOUGH!". There is a pressure to be brighter, more fun, more 'got it all together', successful (in some mysterious way that you're not), financially stable, more friends, more time, more fitting life into the days that you have.

It comes as a shock, when, as Christians, I thought we had a different walk to take from the world, that we could be more real, honest, be ourselves, a little more grace-filled and more able to give the benefit of the doubt, allow time to get to know people.

There's so many circumstances where sometimes we need to take a second look, not only for our sakes, but for the sakes of others. A worthy challenge to live up to.

The real thing

I was talking to 'some people' last week about what I am doing now, and what's next. It's my last subject of my masters degree. I did a masters. The least intelligent of my family. The one most likely to fail, with least potential. The one who didn't really have anything of value to share. The comment was 'well, you will get a real job then...'. What have all my other jobs been??? What is the job I am doing????? And if that's what was, how is it that this won't be put into the same category as the last ones?

I struggle with the confidence to do life, relationships, and this thing I am trying to do. Struggle that there's more than enough people to say 'you can't' when all we need, ever, is to know that we can. There has been more times than not, recently when I have not sought out the Voice that has got me safe this far, that has kept me going and need to find it again. I need to choose again. Take stock once again of the next season and not let 'life' or others choose for me.

I am so glad there's enough choice, people, love, forgiveness, relationship for all. God is one of abundant love, who loves us best, who says yes, we are his favorite. Pretty cool, huh?!

Trusting the process

So often I forget that some things can't be rushed. You can't always jump start something, and you don't know what's just around the corner. Sometimes what looks bad now turns out to be pretty great somewhere down the track.

I often forget that I don't have the whole picture, that I don't know what's going on with other people, what God has in mind, or what's just around the corner, so there becomes a fine balance between wanting to see something happen, and trust the bigger picture, that in the process all will be well. We can't take short cuts.

We can pray though. We can give it to God, invite him into our journey, knowing that his perspective is always going to be the best, taking into consideration everything we have missed. We can be faithful, honourable, and sometimes, just suck it up and do what needs to be done, trusting God with the final outcome.

Dancing with my niece

Yesterday. I took the day off to look after my nieces. Not a day off per se, but there you go. In all, it was a really long, 13 1/2 hour day with them, but such a good day. The bits I remember though?? The missed opportunities. When I was more stern than I might have been, didn't stop and sit, lost sight of the important bits in exchange for other less vital things. Albeit, we had all decided on gingerbread men, but I could have made 'just enough' and not insisted on using all the dough all at once. I could have stopped and danced for much longer than I did. Enjoyed the tea party, played uno even though it was way after bed time.

They are all so incredibly gorgeous in their own incredibly unique way. And there were some wonderfully special moments... like 2nd breakfast of cino's and croissants before going to creche at church with all their special friends. Watching the 2yo with the trike hefting it on the bridge and sending it down the dip, racing around with her big sister, watching the 3yo pull the 2yo along on the trolley. Dancing, bath time, yummy dinner- where they ate it ALL!

I wish there was a reality check alarm at moment's when we are making choices. To choose what isn't only good (like fun gingerbread!), but what will last... like quality time all together, fun adventures, special moments. Quality time. Looking back, it's soooo easy for the day to disappear in a whirl of jobs that need to be done, going onto the next thing, bed, bath and dinner...and getting lost. Missing the beautiful opportunities to make the day fun, restful, peaceful and happy for all. To enjoy and rest in the process of the journey, rather than trying to do whatever is needed to get to the final destination. It doesn't always happen, but I am noticing it alot right now. Lesson learned. Again.

Time

My time is not my own at the moment. Well, it never is. It's God's. But right now, it's less mine to do what I want with, than ever. There's responsibilities, needs, expectations, commitments, requirements, the ever present need to earn money... the list goes on. It's full on, and I am not quite sure when it will stop, especially when looking at the diary, it's fairly full for another 6 weeks or so.

Time to start planning for the September holidays, I think! Now!:) But one thing (among many things!:)) I am looking forward to is some time learning about healing prayer. Scary, because the theory is useless without the practice and experience. That's where the fun really starts. And trusting God, once again to work through me.

Fun times ahead:)

Clients and process

I am up to nine client a week for counselling. Each is so special, and it's a privilege to walk the journey with each of them. Makes me more aware of my own fallen-ness and areas that need 'work' in my own life, that's for sure. But wow, the power of seeing people stepping out to make the change.

I am challenged enough to be on the verge of stepping out to make a change of my own. To most, I think it would be a nonevent, but then I know some people who are about to celebrate something that I have never celebrated, but done often. So, maybe its an event. Maybe its all in perspective.

Or the process. Time for some more celebrations perhaps.

Bully's

They aren't fun. At all.

Email free

There days, like the last couple of days, or, well, circumstances, when I could happily give up email altogether. Miscommunications, being ignored, 'yelled' at or accused are some of it's downsides. Not to mention accidently leaving out vital details, sending it just too quickly, or coming across with a very different tone to the one intented.

Being reminded of just how much can be left out of an email, intentionally or by accident has caught me up quite a few times in the last few weeks, which makes me wonder yet again about the joys of an internet free life. Where would we be without it? Less contact with friends perhaps, and definately the long distance ones, but I imagine we would be much more intentional about the face to face contact we might have instead... that's rather appealing right now, for a number of reasons.

But then, being in The Philippines recently,it was such a HUGE joy to finally meet people I had been emailing for such a long time. Maybe there's an up side after all....

Assignments completed.

The last assignment for the semester has now been handed in. Now to get enough hours of prac and then another semester is done, so long as I pass..... gotta love not having enough time. A stack of awesome conferences are coming up... which ones should I do. What am I most interested in,which is most effective and useful.... not that I seem to be able to take any more in:) Time for a holiday!:)

Assignments.

The first thing I always want to do for an assignment is find anything not related to the assignment... and do that. No matter what. Not many assignments to go, but they are still assignments. Maybe I should give them a new name.

Love

Jeremiah 29:13 says that we will seek and find God when we seek him with all our hearts. That's not as much love as he has for us, but that's alot for us to give him. And what a treasure we find, a relationship beyond relationships. And that's outworded in our whole lives. Amazing.

Trust the process

I left work this afternoon realising that I hadn't let the process of a tast alone. So often, in my other role, I am reminded to trust the process. Tonight, seeing two people hurt, angry, afraid and therefore not communicating, I wanted to say, trust the process, know what you want....be brave. When do I trust the process, or say something, to hopefully help the process....?

Most

Some things are easier to do than others. Some are easier to stick to. Some are easier to persist at... because the fruit/reward/results are far more quickly evident. Doing 3 different things in the week, I know what I would most like to do, mainly like to do, and least like to do....I am currently trying to do what I least like to do, which will help me to get to what I mainly like to do, which, in the long term, is what I would most like to do....

Late Nights

I can't do late nights. Cramming, writing assignments or otherwise. There's three 'projects' the demand full time attention, and by giving more to one, others suffer and vice versa.

Currently assignments are suffering,but I am too tired for a late night...:/

Waiting

Today feels like it's been a day of waiting, but I wonder what would happen if I did speak up for some change... or progress. What if I were to ask 'what would it take for a postive change to happen'?? Seriously... what's the worst that could happen, right?!:)