What if..?? God Is.

I have been asking the question alot over the last months.. 'what if...'. What if something happens, or doesn't happen, or doesn't work out, or fit in, or the cat doesn't return, or... the list has gone on and on.

More recently though, every time I have asked the question 'what if..', the quiet steady echo of "God Is" has returned in its place. Wonderfully calming, steadying, grounding.

As I have had more space to think about it over the last few days, it reminded me of one of God's names, 'I AM'. It doesn't really make sense, and yet there it is God's name I AM, in its completeness and fullness, no room for anything or anyone else. It's God who IS.

And looking back to the passage  in Exodus, it was the conversation of Moses with God, with Moses asking too..'What if...'?
Who am I? Who are you? What if...?

Exodus

¹⁴ God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

¹⁵ God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation.

God Is

What's not mine

I have had something growing on the back of my head for months now. Couldn't see it, work out what is was, but by the feel of it, I guessed it might be a mole, so not going to do anything about it, figured it was part of me, and going to stay.

Yesterday though, it more or less disintegrated. And, aside from a slight scab, nothing remains. I keep feeling to make sure it's really gone, because it was there for so long, and yup, its really gone.

The baffling thing is that I thought it was a part of me, and yet it was only temporary. It's gone, like so many things that I thought was a part of who I am. I keep remembering, but like a habit, atitude, or form of action, I know I can remember it, but know that I don't have to live like it's still there.

We had baptsisms today at church, a public stand for being IN Christ, and with that comes new creation, identity, new life. We can put down what was and live in what God has planned for us now.

And the other bonus is the people who are around us are on their own journey of being transformed, so it's a constant unfolding and discovery of seeing more of who God has made them to be at the same time.

'Come to me'

I love this song, and haven't listened to it for ages, but this evening had it on repeat when I could. I tend to want to sing along with it though, but it's not that kind of song. One of the hardest things to do, driving along, listening to it, is hearing the words, receiving them, taking them in and letting them wash over me. There's nothing I can do, God has done, and I can come to Him as I am.

Come To Me

Bethel Music, Featuring Jenn Johnson


I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Hey
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need

Some days

So there are days.

Standing in Myers surrounded by bags with my sister, both in tears for lost babies...

And trying hard to hold tight. And it's getting harder and more painful, and when the impossible is at its most, it gets more so and having tripped over already it's not an option again, because tripping was worse that persevering. So today is 'take your breath away' hard in a well that seems beyond reason, depth or escape. And once again, the harder you try to hold fast, the quicker things slip away, and the only option once again is to go back again and again to the Creater. And again and again and again.

And returning to promises and redemption, hope and God's Word, all things will work together for His Good and His Glory, and this too will pass.

And tomorrow will be a new day, in a few weeks, a friend's wedding, in month's friends baby's will arrive, and God's goodness shown all over again in His timing and grace:)

Palms facing up!

'I used to think clinched fists would help me fight better, but now I know they make me weaker'

I read an awesome book last week, which, in hindsight felt almost like 31 blog posts, reflections on different ways of living out love in a practical all out there kinda way. Challenging, thought provoking, inspiring.

One of his chapters talks about his 'official work' that fundraises for all the other work he does. Involving depositions and lots of lawyering, it can be places for rather short tempers. In those situations he makes his clients sit with their hands palm up the whole time when they are being questioned- literally. He's found that when you keep your palms up it's easier to keep calm, honest and accurate... and hard to be defensive, angry or make mistakes....it's about living a very different paradigm.

In church, we often have our palms up in worship, and it's a safe place, because we know Jesus only has good things for us (no matter what life might look like at the time), and yet I know of too many times when I haven't had my palms up literally or figuratively in life outside that context.

To live in a way believing that there was nothing we could lose if we had him, of being strong enough to be vulnerable, even when wronged, knowing that we have nothing to hide, to gain or to lose...something to aspire to, something to live for. The paradigms shift yet again, and the balance seems so 'off' to what it feels we are told life should be like, and yet, that's the way Jesus always is. Changes our paradigms, and sets a new standard.

I have so far to go yet before I think I will get there, and well, won't ever get there in my own strength, but for now, will be 'palms up' far more often and intentionally, knowing that while it shows very empty hands I have nothing to lose when I am with him.

Birthday present for Jesus

It’s that time of year, of finishing the year, and getting ready for the new one. One of the things that also happens is Christmas, and of that, lots of present buying. I’m not overly great at birthday presents, but Christmas, more or less, is great fun and I love the whole Christmas present buying fun. The whole process of buying Christmas gifts for people differs according to the person, reason for buying, what might be a blessing to them. For others you buy from the heart, not out of a practical nature-those are the most fun. As part of that too, there’s a birthday present for Jesus, and that’s pretty fun, because you can only give from the heart there, so that makes it particularly challenging. How do you give someone something who doesn’t want for anything, who can’t receive anything physical?!?

So, in the last couple of months as I have pondered what to get, one verse has kept returning to me in different ways. And as God has reframed a few things for me recently, it seems like the right thing to give.

Matthew 6: 20-21

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

When I have been thinking of this passage, 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind again, and the place of relationships, both here and now, and into eternity.

So, am giving my treasure, my loves, and the way I love in all its good, hope, good intentions, faith, mistakes and imperfections, misguidedness and redemption. That God will  use it and hold it redeemed and untangled.

I know I am going to need lots of tangible reminders too, more than the little collection I currently have above, so bring on the year of tangible love, the more unusual the reminder, the better:)

Blank sheet of paper

There’s a blissful feeling of a blank sheet of paper, whether with lines to write on, or completely blank to do what you like. I started off with a blank sheet of paper and over the course of a couple of days, it’s now full. And the issues I have wanted to untangle are now laid out and dealt with (I believe!!).  It’s been a gift, albeit a painful one, to have been brought in a full circle and back to a place to deal with things I thought had been long since dealt with, in a whole new way, from new perspectives, understandings and in light of all I have learned since the last time I was ‘here’.

In a day where the seeming perfection of other people’s lives, as shown through facebook, instagram, and others, it can often highlight the imperfection in my own, and so many areas where things just go pear shaped.  There are days when it feels like it would be easier to write myself off, but that’s not really God’s way, is it. He takes all of us, for all of who we are, loves all of us, has a redeemed way of seeing all of us, even if we’re not quite there yet.

Some churches, communities, or families at times seem to say we are only as good as our last mistakes, saying that we need perfection, and that means getting everything right, all the time and having everything in our life together. But God wants relationship, community, grace, connection, with Him and with others. And in that, there’s space for experiments, creativity, emotion, mistakes, love, and endless possibilities.

So, while the event issues are dealt with, and the core issues better understood and recognized, it's nice to be better able to live 'here' and not then. I look forward to exercising lessons learned, putting myself into places that foster all the things I want to see, and see God in all of it in a whole new way this year.