Should have.....

The other day I didn't do something. I stopped, observed, and kept on going. And then started berating myself as I thought back over what was happening. I should have helped. Should have changed the course of my direction for the need at hand, should have done something, should have found something, should have put the need before my own plans and directions. Worse still, someone else stepped in and helped, contributed, went out of their way. Someone who I have more that once thought, they "should have" done ^insert action^ differently to what they did do. 

Should have

I should have...

They should have...

So destructive. So shamefilling.

We can't go back and change our actions, what we see or understand, we can only learn and go forward. We don't always understand what's going on inside us, the situation, and definitely don't always understand what's going on in other people. So, lesson learned, and no more berating of myself or others of what we should have or should be doing. Grace is amazing in situations like these! And compassion. At the same time as I was thinking through all these things, I came across the following quote 

"Compassion breaks shame" One of the greatest ways to break shame off of our lives or shaming others is to offer compassion. Havilah Cunningham.

So, a fresh infusion of compassion seems like a good thing right now, for myself and in my perspective of others. 

We all do the best we can with what we have and for me, am thankful for grace, and lessons learned and a very gracious God! Time to take the shamefilling versions of "should be, have, do" out of my vocabulary and replace it with a little more kindness and compassion.

Creation and creating

I am currently sitting in an art gallery in NYC, surrounded by familiar paintings. Not just one or two, and not copies either. Originals. Many. By artists and creators who lived some, or hundreds of years ago. Isn't it extraordinary?! There are so many that you can't help but walk on by and generally taking them in as you go, but there are others that you know, so you stop by, and still others that surprise you and stop you in your tracks. The wonder of a view, or perspective of a scene, person, moment in the life of someone or a family, whether on a grandly extravagant scale, or an intimate moment.

What causes us to create or want to create, using whatever format we choose. Whether music, art, design, write, or any medium we choose. What causes us to choose to create when there is so much already out there in the world? Some of it will, I grant you, reach a wider population, whereas others won't go beyond the person doing the creating. But what an extraordinary thing. Like each person, what we create will come from our own perspective and life experience. Some may be similar, but isn't it amazing that we have been designed to create. Our creator is the ultimate in creative, and as we are made in his image, we are invited into the creative process, in whatever means speaks best to us.

Another blog I read at the moment talks about the process of writing. She speaks that desire to write and encourages us all to stay beyond the desire to write/create into the action. No more excuses or what- ifs. Just go for it. There are always going to be people better, smarter, more articulate than us, but no one who has our own particular perspective and blend of skill or talent. We will need to work on it, and keep going, but that doesn't mean we don't start at all, because then the answer will always be no. And that is a loss to all of us, in the seen or unseen. We all lose something when we don't share what we have inside. And we all have something special and valuable to share.

Values and relationships

I read the first chapter to Don Miller's new book, Scary Close- a silly thing because, well, I only have the first chapter and really would like to read the rest. Now.

He mentions how he relates with people and how his then fiancé related to them, and wow, what a breath of fresh air. Her relationships are one she works on, invests in, fights for. They are not a negotiable to her in their importance and value, and they know it and respond accordingly. In a year where I have struggled to communicate where I am at, have had relationships change, been ranted at, but not allowed to have a conversation, I have had to ask a lot of questions about myself and of the people I am around. How does one live a life of trust and deep relationships, of connections and value for who we all are. How do we seek to understand each other's perspective? I realised recently with one friend, that I have believed what they have said, but am still looking to trust them, because their actions are different to their words. And where is the responsibility for me to trust others? What are my parameters and boundaries. And what is theirs? And what if I need to just take the leap and trust? But what if too, they are just untrustworthy? Is my desire for relationship with certain people misplaced and it's time to take a good hard look at who is actually trustworthy, or the relationships I should actually invest in? Or take a leap and trust them and see what you learn in the process. I am not good at letting go though, and those relationships that are long and deep are so important to me.

I can choose who I am, and how I will choose to treat others, and myself. They are valuable, and so am I, and none of that changes whether they have different expectations of our relationship than I. But I have a choice then too. I want to fight for them, but that takes a mutual choice to work towards a common goal and value.

I can still be me though, and live out my values as well as I can though, and remember that relationship, of whatever kind, is a choice between two or more people, and trust them with their part.

Grief, loss and intimacy

Today, or actually, in USA time, a quite few weeks ago now, was a a day of remembering pregnancy loss in all it's forms. So overnight it popped up in social medial in various ways. One lovely blog writing spoke of her experience with loss, the knife cutting pain, and the long term recovery. It got me to thinking of the losses experienced by single people (I will stick to women, well, me, cos I have no idea how men experience this).

As a single woman approaching a certain milestone, this year has been one of recognising and grieving loss, or what hasn't been. It has been a time of taking stock, and giving thanks, but also that underlying awareness of what may not be that has been so hoped for.

I look at so many amazing women, and yes, men who are single, and amazing in their own rights and wonder why they are single, and haven't had the opportunity to get married yet. When God is a God of family and relationship, intimacy, how is it that these amazing people are not married. Is it just that we are a part of a fallen world and this particular aspect has effected us? How do we navigate a world where we can do and be anything, but that a foundational longing for many if us is to be known and in relationship. How do we journey a road where often there are no answers, or the answers that are given just don't cut it. They don't come from a creator, our loving Father who has designed us from the start to be connected, to live in intimacy with each other.and if we don't fit society's standard format of being in family,being married, how do we find lasting relationship, depth and intimacy within a community?

Coming back to the day of remembering pregnancy loss, how does it work for single people who haven't got a pregnancy loss to grieve? How does one grieve any unseen losses in ones life? The events, situations, relationships hoped for that haven't had the opportunity to be nurtured and grown?

I guess we get creative!:) and find community, deep relationship, friendships with children and their families that give us the connections needed. We keep our eyes open and choose our outlook, and trust and trust and trust that we have been designed to be part of community and not isolated, and go out and find that where we can!

Hello again

It's been a while. A long, long while since I last blogged. Funny how things come and go in seasons, people come and go, and come back again, there are times for writing in certain places, or being, living, times and spaces to pick up or put down. Some, you choose and some you don't. And there are the constants. I am in Bend, Oregon right now. It's a spectacular day, it's bone chillingly freezing, and I am in a nice warm organic cafe where it didn't need to pay for my coffee. Lovely surprise! Why no blogging? My energy has been elsewhere. Managing the constants, the changes, the place I am in, and the direction I am going. Writing and communicating has taken place in other places. So will see if I get back here. I have missed it, and yes, have written blogs, etc.... Just haven't posted. So perhaps I will come back and post them, or perhaps their time has passed.

For now though I am on a Jesus adventure across the States. I am starting to miss my people, but know that even if I was in Sydney, I would still be missing some of them, even though they are geographically close. So I will sit with the missing, the discomfort that I should be there 'doing' and being useful, and will be on this adventure. Because it's a gift, Jesus loves me, and has good things for me. My new journal is filling up fast:) and there have been lots of fun things happening, and there are many fun things to come:)

The planning of this trip was fun. There was lots of research and hunting for information. Looking for musicians and speakers on tour, conferences to go to, places and churches I would like to spend time in. It has been lovely to see everything fall into place, the timing, accommodation, flights. The big details are sorted, but there are so many unknowns on the way, space to fill, and people to meet.  Lots to hear, and learn. Even so far, it's amazing to see some themes starting to emerge in different ways. But more on that another time. Portland here I come:)

I want more.

I don't often talk about what I want, whether it's where to go for coffee, where to sit, what movie to go to. Most of the time I really, really don't mind, and I know that's fine, but there comes a time when you have to choose, and stand by your choice. In making a stand though, I am finding you learn a lot about the people around you, sometimes good, and sometimes you learn something new about them, your relationship and how they see you. You also learn about yourself- what you are ok with and what you're really not, and whether or not you're willing to settle for less than what could be.

This year is involving a lot of learning, strengthening and growth. My birthday present to Jesus keeps popping up in different ways, and I am finding I am doing things I thought I would never do. Like saying no to a certain type of relationship with others offered in lieu of one I know could be, of making the effort to not just think something is important, but to say and act on it, even when it doesn't sit comfortably with me, or is a massive emotional, or physical effort. It comes to a question of 'do I wish to believe Gods word in and for my life, and for others?' Or shall I believe and therefore live a lie?

I am learning more about what it is to be loved, and loved by my heavenly Dad, and finding that it encompasses a whole lot more, of choosing to believe it, of living a life of value and worth, in personal choices, like how I spend my time, but also how I love others. There is more form and definition, and less being blown about by the whims of others. It proves challenging when there are people making choices that you heartily disagree with or don't understand, but also a realisation of what's yours and what's not. There's the pain of having to choose to say no to an immediate offer, because you know it's only a snippet of what could be and would rather have nothing than mediocrity. In that place, we can do what we can within all that is our responsibility, and pray. Hard. And often. Trusting that God knows how everything is fitting together and where we are all headed. We are loved, and called to love. And neither of those is words only, they are action, and a call for choice, of seeing the destination and walking towards that, trusting that God will do as he has promised and 'work all things for his good'


I read a blog this week that reminded me of all that has been going on. Don Miller writes that 'A good character in a good story knows what they want'. We have one story and many subplots, but wow, wouldn't it be awesome if all the elements tell a story of Gods awesome love and value for all of us, that each of our lives have a multiplication effect as we say 'you are valued', 'I am valued', and live that out in our everyday lives, cheering each other on in all that we do.

Valuing others can be hard at times, and involve hard, honest conversations, but if done well, we all come out knowing we are valued enough to be fought for, we are worth the discomfort of a hard conversation, and we have a deeper and richer relationship as a result.

Here's an excerpt from the blog:
"If we don’t know what we want, or where we are going, the story is boring. And worse, the protagonist makes terrible decisions.

If I offered you a penthouse condo in New York City worth millions and stipulated that in order to claim it you had to drive across the country, would you be tempted by the offer of a run-down shack in the midwest? The only way you’d be tempted by that is if I hadn’t offered you the condo.

When we don’t know where we are headed in life, we are vulnerable to temptation.

"A good character in a good story knows what he or she wants.""
Don Miller

As in the story, I don't want to find I have chosen the shack over the penthouse, and want to keep my destination in mind, I don't want to settle for mediocrity, but live a rich life full of depth and value. One that is full of love and of worth, in words and action.

Belonging, Part 2

So, I was going through and doing a bit of a brainstorm about this through the Bible. As mentioned, there is a lot about belonging, about being a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s pretty awesome, and nice to be reminded of how God sees each one of us. Ahh, the joys of a fallen world though, that we are all fallible, and out human relationships may not always reflect what they were designed to be. We don’t always feel wanted, or want people to be a part of our lives, and while we can’t always change that, or make something that it’s not, we can choose our own actions and responses. We can choose relationship, connectedness and restoration. It’s not like we can be best friends with everyone, but we can respectfully care for each other. And we have responsibility for our own actions, not the actions of others, no matter how much we would like that sometimes.

Anyway, we belong to something bigger than ourselves, God’s family. We have a place to share, invite, to be that no one else can fill.

1 Corinthians 12: 14-18 (MSG)

I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

John 14: 1-4 (NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 15:4-6 (NIV)

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

The woman at the well was a misfit and didn’t belong, and yet to Jesus she was wholly welcomed.

Zacheus, so much  money, but not liked by any.

The Prodigal sons- the older son and the younger sons both belong, are part of the family, invited and welcomed in. They both always have a place in their Father’s home.

Ephesians 2:4-10

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

1 Peter 2:9-10

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

John 3:16-17 (MSG)

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.

Matthew 28: 18-20 (MSG)

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”

Revelation 22:16-17 (NIV)

 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.

Belonging

Belonging is such a funny thing. Social situations, finding a place to live, family, knowing your spiritual home- we all have our place. But so often it doesn’t feel like it. I have a friend who talks about a situation and the upshot of it was that they felt that they weren’t wanted, so they left. While it may have been in the end, because of a whole lot of miscommunication, it certainly wasn’t the case in the beginning. It had such huge potential. For me, belonging is such a vital thing. And while it’s nice to belong to a collective big group or community, I find it easier to navigate knowing I have a small tight knit group of friends there. They don’t need to always physically need to be there and present, but it’s nice to know they are there, and close by if we ever need each other. Sadly often, large group situations are often the loneliest places, where you can feel like you least belong.

In Vineyard churches, we often mention the phrase, ‘you can belong before you believe’. The inference being that you can belong to the community before you believe in Jesus and have a relationship with him. I wonder if we can belong….before we believe we belong. Even in church communities there are the ‘cool’ groups, and the whole spectrum of groups of people. Its not perfect, but that’s not the point. We are all human, and as such, fallible, and perfect too in our relationship with Jesus. No church will ever meet every one of our needs, but hopefully, we will know it to be a spiritual home, and as such, will be able to find our place in it all, and be a part of helping to make it a better place for each other, and a safe place to invite others into the ‘family’ so we can better travel this journey together.

Having recently gone through a particularly lonely situation recently, I was challenged to think through the whole concept of belonging all over again, and realized what a fundamental lie it is for us to believe, for my friend, for myself, in any situation. If we don’t feel like we belong, we can leave, quit, we can shirk our responsibility, and in the end leave a hole where we should have been. Jesus died so we might have a place to belong permanently now and forever.

The Bible of course, is littered with the theme of belonging, of having a promised land, a people to belong to, a family. For us now too, Jesus specifically talks about us being one body and many parts, and of each part doing its bit(1 Corinthians 12). If we don’t feel that we belong, the whole body misses out. It’s handicapped. Something is stolen from the individual and the community.

I could list of all the stories and references, but there are so many, so I won’t, but for my own sanity, and reminder, I hope to make a list of relevant verses to remind myself and others that we are each important, chosen, we belong.

We belong

Waiting for God's word to become reality

God gives you a promise, or a word. Something for you and your future. So often throughout the bible, God promises something, to give a hope and a future, a husband, or wife, a child, a promised land, a messiah, freedom from slavery. So often, the people receiving that promise have to wait. And wait. Sometimes way beyond realities of when it could humanly and naturally happen, and sometimes too, beyond their very lives. 

I have been so challenged by this, and living this out here and now. In places that call for boundaries, healthy relationships,reasonable, and seeing results,where is the place for waiting and trusting solely in Gods promises beyond the reasonable and human reality. Even in Christian circles,we are often encouraged to take action, do what we can, and yes,there's a place for that, such a place for working with God and journeying with Him in the process. But we don't often have a theology for it, or a framework from which to base ourselves in. It's a very wide, grey area, and can be so easy to put two and two together and come up with a whole new result that can be completely different to God's place, purely because we want to know the answer, or understand Gods plan in the situation. Seriously. How do you journey with it if it's not something that will happen in your lifetime?!? 

So, we wait, we trust, we listen really hard for his voice. We pray and give thanks to him who loves us so dearly. But we stand ready and expect the breakthrough, and look forward to receiving all the promises, and seeing all that God has promised lived out in our life.

Faith and Risk

Faith is spelled R.I.S.K

We often hear that saying in the context of taking our faith in Jesus out onto the streets, of offering words of encouragement to strangers, or braver still, offering to ask for healing, or praying for them. Stepping out of our comfort zones in whatever area takes risk. Sometimes seen and public, and sometimes unseen and a stepping out from past beliefs or

‘Faith is spelled R.I.S.K.’ was quoted during the talk on Sunday night at Church, and it stood out in a different way. Having been thinking about areas where I have taken risks recently, or more to the point, should have taken a risk, it challenged me from an entirely new perspective. What happens when we have faith in who Jesus says we are over what we think we might be, and act according to that? What if we take a risk to believe something that we know is true, but doesn’t come naturally to us….and follow through the actions, albeit public, privately, acting differently in a familiar situation, or with friends….

There are areas where the risk may only have a personal impact, but if that’s what we think…that’s it’s ‘only’ us it effects then what does it matter. But. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we take those tiny risks that only we know about, they would add up to us thinking, believing and living an entirely different life story where Faith in God’s word and his love for each of us would truly come first, and is far more solid and defined.

This weekend, I don’t think I believed and lived the story I should have. I didn’t take all the risks I should have and while few people may have noticed, I certainly did. There are times in the past year where I have taken the risk when it’s been needed, and usually have found that God was on the other side too:) So, will see what comes of this weekend, and what is in the future.

God is in it all, risks can be taken, and often the results will be far from what we expect, and faith in God who is all love and never changing, who’s promises are sure and true will always be the right choice.

Love wins

Faith in Jesus is sure

It’s an adventure

Always:)

What makes a good year a good year?

As the last year drew to an end, and a new one has started, I have been thinking back across all that has happened, and is to come. Altogether the conclusion was that last year was a really, really good year! It wasn’t an easy one, nor was it perfect, or go to ‘plan’ nor expectations met by any means though. Some things were impossibly hard, and other surprising, unexpected, hurtful, and so on. You get the drift.

But.

God was in it all. And He is always good, he knew what was happening and what was going to happen, how people were going to react, and how I was going to react…. And how I could react. Good doesn’t mean perfect. Or right, or happy all the time. But there was  joy. Such good times, people and places.

I learned a lot, and challenged mindsets, and beliefs. Love won. And where fear would usually have the final say, Love took ground. It hurt, oh how it has hurt, but it has been amazing to see what might happen if I could get past the fear. And there is so much more in either direction, and I am not sure we will ever know or understand how far we can love others, or be afraid. And both impact us to the core of who we are and all we believe, about ourselves, others, and God.

Mother Theresa has said that  ‘I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.’

Paradox is an understatement! But I read that at the beginning of last year, and was completely baffled and challenged by it, and so too, challenged to test it out.

Love has become more to me this last year. It’s not just a feeling, a thought, a vibe. It has taken root, grown legs, and flown. It involves action, choice beyond ourselves and purpose, and sometime the choice to be still within the action. To choose another course.

On new year’s eve I wrote down all the things I was thankful for in 2013. For 2014, there came another selection, of all the things I am looking forward to. Looking back on both, I was struck by how many people featured there. So many great people, who I get to do life with, and then there’s my favourite people in the world.  There were lots of other things included, but mostly, there were names of people that I did life with, from housemates, friends, family, church family. A rich melting pot of pretty special people. I learned a lot, was challenged greatly to see things differently, and live differently.  Life is so often shades on a spectrum, and we are all going places. And God has plans for us all, people, learnings, growings, and understanding just how much He loves us, for us, and to love Him, and others. So, maybe a good year, life, is about love, intimacy and relationship?? It was a good year.

Not perfect, but still good. So good.