Being ok with not being ok with it.

I am in the mood for some good news stories right now. They aren’t too hard to find for the most part, but it would be so nice to hit some real goals sometimes. I know there is the general happy, all is well and generally swimming along nicely kinda thing, but  I am in the mood for seeing some dreams come through, answers to prayer, happily ever after’s, perfect job opportunities, businesses flourishing, answers to questions, to prayers, the over and above lavishness of a Heavenly Dad who loves us all so!

I am quietly trying to get through a quiet implosion right now. Trying to avoid the explosion and drama, the extra mess on top of the current mess that only I can then clean up. It’s a slow deep breathing process, full of long hard looks at all the good things going on, the decisions I can make, to make things better, for now, and the future, a good outcome for all, for a finishing well of chapters.

Trying to come to terms with the understanding that while others might be ok with a certain situation- I . AM. NOT. And… that’s ok! There is generally the sense that ‘they ‘ are fine with something and feel it’s ok and therefore I should to, when in actual fact, I’m not. I can put up with stuff for a while, but in the end, I have a choice to make and so do they. I suppose this comes up in all kinds of situations- living arrangements, relationships, communities, work, you name it. Often I get the impression that we are supposed to put up with something just because we have already, and should go on, or because it doesn’t bother others in the way it does to me. Something I am learning slowly is that in all areas of life, I have to answer for what happens with it, for the energy expended, and how I get through it in a way that’s not with a negative outcome. I often get reminded that while Jesus got mad, he didn’t sin. And that looks different in different situations. What it might look like to one person may look completely different to others, but I can only account for myself, the choices I make and do the right thing by everyone inasmuch as I can.

I appreciate that we are all different. There’s moments (yes, lots!!) when I wish we saw the same way, did things the same way,  valued things (and people) the same way, but in the end we don’t. We are all created unique, and in the image of our creator.  In His infinite wisdom he chose us to be unique and to live in community.  It’s not perfect by any means, but we are all the richer for it. And our living in community will change with the seasons and times. We are always growing and changing in some way. Something I am finding I am having to learn is to be ok with myself not being ok with a situation. Often I feel that we should be able to make the best of each situation, or work through something to the desired outcome, but that’s not always the way it will be. Being just one of the people in a relationship, or community, there’s only so much sway each of us carry. It’s not a failure or defeat to acknowledge it’s time to walk away from something, no matter how much we would like it to be something else so we can stay.

We can always only do what we can and sometimes that means doing something different with our time and energy, with ourselves. I don’t think I like the bits of myself that don’t stay till the positive outcome, result or happily every after. Walking away feels negative. But maybe it’s positive too, even though, in the moment, it doesn’t feel like it. That while I value things like faithfulness, perseverance, love, in the end not everyone gets equal access to our lives, and others make their own choices too that I, in turn have to live with, even as they live with mine.

Sometimes in the stepping out, we discover more of God in us, and through us with those around us, in a whole new and delightful way…

And yes, those good news stories. Bring them on in all their messy gloriousness!

I pulled the plug

Spring is nearly here and I have spent some more time in my garden recently. We had a gardener come in at the beginning of winter and some work, and as part  of it he cut off a long stalk of one of my favourite plants. I guess I knew it had to go, but it was so pretty(read: the flower had been so lovely when it was alive!!) and I had hoped it could stay. But it didn’t. I am glad it wasn’t me who made the decision, and wish it could have stayed, but it’s gone. In its place now, with spring coming, is new life. Where there was one stalk there’s now a multitude, and I am not convinced that they would be there if it wasn’t for the removal of the first stalk. And so I am looking at the new growth and opportunities that are well on their way!

Until a few weeks ago, I thought I was going in a certain direction. New things had started and were growing. New opportunities had come up and I had said that yes, I would explore this. I would jump all in and go for it. I would see what life would look like ‘like this’. It was big, exciting, promising, full of all the things I had hoped for over so many years.

 

And then I pulled the plug.  

That was hard, painful, went against everything I had hoped for and thought that this time, I might be going. Worst of all, I am the ‘bad guy’ in all of it. Sigh. I had hoped and wanted it to go one direction and in the end went the opposite way. There’s regret and grief for what could have been and what isn’t. And there's what now is lingering in its place right now, in the space that has been carved out for what might have been.

 

When do you choose to go all in though, and what stops you? One of the hardest thing has been second guessing myself. Asking all those unaskable questions, the what ifs, or buts. If I had gone on would things have worked out as I had initially hoped??

Which way is the right way. It’s going to cost something either way. But what cost bears fruit and what cost doesn’t.

In the end what does it come down to? I had so many questions, most of which I couldn’t ask. And now I have so many questions that again will go unanswered, at least for now. 

In the end, I could have stayed, or I could have left, and there was enough incentive to do what I didn't want to do and walk away, so trusting myself, trusting God is what remains. Heartache, loss and grief, yes. Gratitude, good memories, new valued people, yes, and a learning opportunity, to grow, and give space to a new season and see what comes. 

As part of that, I hope to blog more, and differently. It's time for a new theme for this place, a new seasoning and atmosphere, so, let's see what comes.

Giving away the story

I don't have the story that I would have chosen, the types of friendships that I might possibly prefer- certainly not the depth of friendship in the places I had expected. I don't have the happily ever after that I thought might happen, and over the last year have had to lay down the things most dear to me all over again, more completely and more finitely.

Doors have been closing left, right and centre, and grief has been long and deep. Of loss, sorrow and new depths of lack and emptiness. There is the realisation that I had trusted certain things, relationships, paradigms, values that hade ultimately fallen, and that while they were all well and good, my direct reliance on them may not have been such a good thing. They were all good, but weren't meant to be in the place that I had given them. But the space creates opportunities for new life, growth. Seeds that were planted long ago have been given the space, time, season to lie fallow so that new life could be reborn and a new story, a new version of the happy ending could emerge with room to truly flourish.

But I am finding that the laying down doesn't mean there is nothing. Out of the laying down, the space, the drought and desert is emerging an oasis. Something new, new life, direction, new hope and a new story is introducing itself, and while I don't know what the storyline is, I am leaning more on the one who does, trusting Him more, and learning to walk with Him better.

I won't find what I have been looking for where I have been searching, and that irks me, especially the relationship side of it, but will find it, and more in Him, in walking each day out with Jesus in a whole new way, and it's not that the last chapter was wrong or I was on the wrong path, but it seems that a new journey is becoming apparent, and new themes are emerging. 

It's early days yet and who know what will try to return or should remain, or takes on a different role in the garden that is emerging.

Recently I was angry all over again, at the situation and sadness over losses, for no good reason other than each day is another step away from where I have wanted to be, or thought I should be, and that loss brings fresh grief. I was with some people last night, and looking around, started to wonder at what I was looking for or trying to create or find. Of community, intimacy and a group of people who know you well and your are known. I looked around this group of people and have marvelled at them, of how the group has come to be together, of the contexts in which we all first met- and for many of us it has been many years in the making in a very different context, and yet, we have been brought together into this new season, and it is immensely good. 

I don't like letting go because it feels so much like giving up, and yet in the releasing and surrender of my expectations and hopes, it gives space for Jesus to grow something new, or give new life to what has been given. It gives space for a whole new story to emerge!