Seeing through a glass darkly

I still give a Chistmas present to Jesus each year, and this, for 2011, was mine. It's funny, as you come up to the time when a gift is due, and you start thinking about it early enough to get just what you want. In this case, it took a while longer and took a trip around the world.

As I came to this year, there was alot that was going to be new. I was stepping out of a few things, and into a new unknown. Looking back, it's been good. I was struck by the concept of what's in each of our hands. I was looking at mine again, and there's nothing there, but as I had thought about the Christmas gift for last year, I loved the visual of a Christmas decoration being held, but one that was glass, and you could only see through partially. 

I love the imagery of seeing through a glass darkly, and so often that's what we do here. We don't fully see, or understand, or comprehend the bigger picture, but trust (or try very hard to!) the One who has it all complete in himself.

Having to hunt around for the passage for a bit, and finding it in 1 Corinthians 13:12..

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (NIV)

But then, the KJV is pretty awesome too.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

I loved the picture, because there is much in my hands (even if I don't see it), but my role is to use what I have, and while I can only see and understand partially what it's all about, that's ok.

And yes, being October, time to start thinking about what my gift will be for this year!:)

Keep praying

So, started off the day with some Bill Johnson awesomeness. Love the way he understands, loves, draws close, and encourages others to draw close to God. He started off talking about what if God doesn't answer prayer. Thanksgiving. No matter what.

Then an email came in saying that the health that came was temporary.

And the prayers I have prayed almost since I knew to bring these prayers to an awesome, lovingly Heavenly Father. And prayed.

And prayed.

God is good:)

Stories

Someone sent me information about a new job that's just been advertised yesterday, which was nice, fun, and challenging- but also a 'stop and check' why am I doing my current one, and one of the main reasons I returned to was that I like the conversations I get to have there, but also the stories I get to tell others about the amazing people I come across each day at work. I like being an advocate, and standing in the gap for them, whether it's raising awareness of the people behind the headlines, or making sure they know what will happen to them if their spouse dies of the cancer they have just been diagnosed with.

Home group tonight was an informal event- it's been a few weeks, so was catching up... it also involved lots of challening questions. The person hosting showed a couple of film clips that's been immensley challenging for their journey thus far, which brought great discussion about your usual... healing, miracles, expectations, raising from the dead... God Goodness.

Normally in this context I have stories to share- loads of stories, and awesomely good God- glorifying ones. But they're not mine. They are friends overseas, in far off places, or people at church, or other churches closer to home. I believe them, and love to share them, but like so many good stories, they belong to someone else and someone elses experience. It was a special privelege to pray with some friends for somene last week, and to see healing come, and to be able to share that God story this evening. While it's not confirmed, the feedback was an awesome answer to prayer, so are looking forward to seeing what God does in her life, and the lives of those who were part of it and not necessarily familar, and those who have heard about it since.

It's a surprising season I'm in. God is good:)

Thinking, feeling, doing

In counselling speak, there's a process related to CBT (Cognitve behavioural therapy) which I often refer back to as it's such a simple idea, and easy to remember and excercise when needed.

You think something which leads to feeling, which leads to a certain action. So, if it's negative, it will lead to negative outcomes, and if it's positive it will lead to positive outcomes.

In a job when there's lots of space in the day (compared to what I'm used to), it's easy to get distracted by things, feelings, thoughts, ideas, that really have no place in my life, so it's quite the challenge to 'take each thought captive', and be faithful with the time, energy and resources I have, and seek new ways to make the most of it, or merely persevere with things I know will hopefully be useful, like cold calling students, and seeking them out. Fortunately, there's lots of fun things that do come along throughout the day, not to mention people with crazy amazing stories.

Some verses often come back to me at those times, and others when I am reminded of the 'cream'. Jeremiah 29:11 is such a famous verse, and so awesome, but the truly challenging, extraordinary, humbling, gems of verses to me, are the ones following.

And, because I have landed on The Amplified Version, here it is.
Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

¹² Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you.

¹³ Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will release you from captivity and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I caused you to be carried away captive.

I love the call to intimacy, of being found, of having to seek God with all my heart. When life seems to say that so many other things should have a claim on  my heart first, it's nice to be reminded that seeking God with all my heart is not only an added extra, but a first response.

The Cream

So, thinking about the cream... I have been trying to identify the difference, and in it all would have to say it's God's presence and power working in and through me, the relationship I have with Him is where all the goodness comes from, so out of there that the meaning, strength and rest is. And out of all the 'biscut', it becomes richer and stronger as a result.

I went to a different church a few weeks ago which I really enjoyed. It had a similar atmosphere to the one I go to.. it wasn't slick, or perfect, but everything was done from the heart. One of the verses shared has stayed with me since then.

Psalm 127: 1-2 (NIV)

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchmen stand guard in vain.
² In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to^[a] those he loves.

Everything comes out of God's love and rest. Not labor and striving.

So a nice reminder to dig in deep with God, all over again:)

Family

Today was a fun day, full of immediate family, and my sister's parents in law. It was the family birthday celebration of my two eldest nieces, and while none of the other side of the family could come in the end, or my brother's new girlfriend, it was a good day. Today was spend, as normal for one of these days, with the kids, helping out, playing, keeping things moving while the grandparents on both sides sat and chatted.  

It's always such a funny day- two very different families getting together, with different 'rules', and relationships. My sister, her husband and his family are open, talk, discuss, and want to understand things, whereas on my side, it's much more, well, there's only ever one answer to a question that is ever considered right. Makes for some very interesting discussions, especially when it comes to theology, and discussions about how famiy should be and what the influencing factors are! I love spending time with the 'other' side of the family, and am always so blessed to be invited to their Christmas days. But when both are together, the kids are always a much more fun option:)

Family is a leveller, and divider. You are part of each other, your history and future, and there's the need to work through things, or ignore enough to get through, but at the end of the day, a need to stick together no matter what differences of opinion you might have. John Wimber called the church a family, a hospital, a school, an army. Pretty cool. A challenge too in how we see all of these, and how we react and respond to each. Hm. When I think of church, yes, in my head, it's family first, but hospital and school would encompas more of what I will be doing tomorrow. Interesting.. will have to keep reading the book"The way in is the way on", and see what tomorrow brings!

Line in the sand

October is notoriously my least favorite month of the year. Every time. Growing up it was the lead up to November, which yes, spring, my birthday, nearly holidays, Christmas and loads of good things. It was also the lead up to exams, of not meeting expectations, ever, failing, and not just in the subject, but as a person.

It's been a while, I while I know that much of it isn't true any more, there's still residual effects that cast a shadow. So, I was aware of it this year, and thought I had it licked, or at least was aware enough to have made plans, but surprises always surprise, and unexpected events can have their way of making their presence felt. Strongly.

So, back to blogging for the next few weeks. Why, so I can draw a line in the sand, so I can record and mark new beginnings. Unfortunately, this will be the least positive out of all of them(I trust!!), but also guessing it's been so long since I have posted anything that it won't be read anyway.

So, planning to blog for the next weeks- at least till my birthday:)

The last few days have been really hard. Surprisingly so.Yesterday, I was reminded of so many things I am not. I am so aware of them, and so familiar, and often it's ok. I know the lack. I am not married. I do not have children. I am not Young like many others. I am not heard by people I wish would hear me. I am not the absolute favorite of just one person who I would in turn like to have as a favorite. I want to say it's fine.

Lots recently has been awesome, special, and really fun. An old friend is back, which I am loving, and who I really enjoy doing life with, but as they have returned, I need to be ready for when they leave again. Unless God intervenes and makes the new season different to ones in the past, keeping the friendship more active than it has been, the wind will change and I will have to remember that they are  *still* a friend, and I was not the stop gap inbetween. I have done it before, and will do it again and forgive the unintended hurt and get on with the New, and rejoice joyfully and freely in all that God has for them. There's awesome things in store for them:)

But, while it's not fine, I do know and have been wonderfully encouraged, that God is Good, he's not forgotten, and while it seems that my life mission is to support and cheer others on (which I love!), I would love to see my life as being fuller, not of programs and committees, of groups, practical fun and being involved with different things....but in the gaps between it all, have those fillings be the best bits of the lot. Actually, I have a picture of an oreo cookie right now- the biscut bit the doing, the jobs, roles, things I'm involved with, but the real goodness is the cream in the middle....

So, there's my challenge for the next while, I guess- to have fun with the cream, dense fillings, taking time to recognize, stop, pause for a while, and savour the sweet taste.

Living at a blog over here....:)

I had such big intentions to continue blogging this year, but at the moment it doesn't feel like it's happening, although, as I thinkk about the possibility of not writing, new thoughts do spring to mind... anyway, much of the reason why is because I am caring for another blog right now. You will find it at www.athisfeet.com.au. It's a blog peopled by amazing women from Northridge Vineyard and is a joy to give each of them a voice.

So, will see, there may be more to come here. And asI was reminded this week, God is always doing something good!:)

Given

The things I most dearly want to do right now... go to my graduation, and a see one of my favorite bands play in Australia....are at awkward times, don't really work that well with life, times, others...and yet they are two things that would make my heart happy.

To push, or not to push, to persevere, or give up into time and all that could, should, ought to be...and yet heart happy brings fruit, joy, meaning, peace too. Testimony's of God in and through a life that's trying to be all given to Him....

To go means value, meaning, completion, significance of all that God has done, and is doing. To not go... will be dissapointing, sad....something lost.

I guess I'm going:)

Baking

Coming home from work yesterday, I realised, it hasn't been the easiest few months. The challenges of adjusting to a new job, people, mindsets, a Christian organisation, but no Christians aside from myself as far as I can see and of trying to maintain life outside of work. The joy of waiting for answers to questions, non-answers, and straight out no's has been a challenge.

It has been gorgeous to have a complete rest day today, a day with lots of talks, worship, dogs for company, and lots of baking. I was looking at some of the things I cooked today, and realised that they turned out well. Having had space, time, no need to rush, the things I have cooked have come out of a place of rest. I remember the last time I cooked for someone, I was stressed, because the food is often critiqued, which for me, writes of the the whole meal, even though it's not intended, and because I know it will be critiqued, I know I more stressed, have less time, and well, it just doesn't work as well. And it makes me sad, as know the critique-ing is well intentioned, it just doesn't inspire me to cook, let alone cook better.

It really makes me question what else needs to come out of that place of rest and how I can get more of that rest in my life!:)

Friendship divorce

I read this article this week, and yup, it sums it up for me. Having been on the receiving, and yes, the giving end of this, and even the 'the harder I try not to muck it up, the more I seem to get it wrong' but there we are. As someone who values friends highly, especially when my life looks different to most other people's, it's hard when they fade away in different cases. There's a grief to that and a loss that's not like other losses. On the other hand, life happens, we go through phases, and sometimes it's really not personal, and you can come out the other side.

As as someone who has different phases in lifeand chapters, I guess I can't hold onto each chapter and all they hold. Some are for a life time, but others just can't be held onto as it would be ideal... So, as I step into another new chapter of life for some elements of this year, I look forward to seeing all it holds, the new friendships, the current friendships. And with the ones I can't seem to hold on to, there is grace, forgiveness, and surprise catch-ups:)

Home

I am sitting in the London kitchen, the two youngest kids (3 days off 18, and 20!) upstairs or watching TV. Sausages in the oven, Rachel due for lunch. Quiet, peace. The other life. So normal and so foreign.

I have been back int he UK since Wednesday and love being here, and yet the pull to be in Sydney is still strong. And yet this is home too.

Time for lunch:) This family which has been my family for 18 years and 3 days. Home.

There is nothing more delicious...

Read this today... had to share:) there is nothing more delicious ...

by mici magazine … than warm fresh just out-of-the-oven cookies, the feel and smell of fresh sheets on your newly made bed, a lingering kiss from your one true love, the perfect silence in the midst of a storm, the hope inspired by a morning cup of your favourite brew, the lure of a warm open fire, romance in the winter time, being snuggled up with a good book on your weekend off, sleeping the day away, the morning dew dripping from thawing trees, stars shining brightly in a moonlit sky, the laughter from a friend walking through life’s pains, the answer to prayer only God can bring, your favourite song up loud and on repeat, the soaking rays from the sun on a summer’s day, the beautiful coolness of the ocean on sun-drenched skin, a heart after you, a good ole’ cry to a feel-good girlie movie, rain on the window, the rainbow that salutes the passing of the storm, the thought that dreams can come true, the smell of summer in the air, freshly mowed grass, slipping off high heels at the end of a long day, candles flickering by the bath as you soak the day away, a hot shower on your first sunburn of the season, hindsight, the view over the ocean from an upstairs window, a good workout, fitting into your favourite dress, that first untouched page of your brand new journal and the perfect pen with which to capture this journey called life knowing that no matter what it throws your way, no matter the storm that rages by day and the seeming silence to your prayers by night, no matter your mistakes and ‘misfortunes’ your choices and those made for you, that ultimately the creator of the universe, GOD HIMSELF, is for you—so who can be against you! There’s nothing more delicious …

Start living it.

Someone passed on this reference last week. How cool is that!

My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6-7 (The Message)

My jewels

I was sitting working at the computer today by my supervisor. We were idely chatting as we did what we needed to do, and suddenly it dropped. "I was talking to someone about you today- they love that they are growing and feeling safe, loved able to do what they need to do", she said. It was one of the people I meet with each week. She didn't say who, but it was what she said that was such a precious jewel.

I received an email last week from someone saying 'it worked'! I got through something I never get through successfully. 'I did it!'.

Another wrote, mentioning a time that seemed so dry to me. I had gone to give, to share, to bless, and was told no. And yes, there was a conversation... and out of that, life, renewed life, purpose, identity. Someone who is living a whole (-er!) life again.

All incredibly precious jewels. Of seeing precious amazing people realizing that they can do it.

Each comment has been a precious jewel in the week, of seeing people see themselves in a new way, new possibilities, and step out in faith and fresh hope. Each are jewels, precious people who I get to walk alongside. What an incredible gift it has been.

What an amazing, challenging, precious year.

The Finishing.

That time has come again. I knew it would. Today was my last formal time at uni, the last supervision, last assignment returned, last hours turned in. My home group leaders are stepping down, and our group dividing in two, because it has grown so much. The process of starting to wind up work, to finish it off, and well, to hand it over into a unknown future.

I have been here so often. Finishing a chapter and starting something new and exciting and while I am excited about this new chapter- it's been so very many years in the development, today feels sad as I look back on the years, the journey, friendships. I am so grateful for these days, the good, the learnings, the fun, joyful, challenging, amazing times.

There will be another trip to London, and then on to new things, but no new country... this time. But new things, yes. New challenges, job, home group, opportunities.

But for now, I am in The Finishing...

Planting and growing confidence.

There is such a difference in ways of instilling confidence in a person. I have just handed in my last ever assignment for this degree. I can't beleive it.

There is a huge part of me though, that wants the quick rush of someone like my supervisor saying, yes, you're a great counsellor... and yet, I know that it would be superficial, a quick fix, like fast food that just wouldn't satisfy.... because in all honesty it would be feeding my vanity. And yet, there's something in wanting that affirmation.

On the other hand, his not commenting, of gentle expectation of the delivery of what I have done. It's the process, growing from experience, and just steadily working away at it. Growing confidence, deep down sureness from within. Even through the set backs, delays, mistakes and challenges it's been quite a journey! This has been planted, and grown, and while it's still a little plant, it's coming along steadily:)

Running away

It's funny how fast something turns around, the nuances of a conversation, the realisation of what means something to you, meaning something entirely different to others. The sudden forks in the road, choices to be made, in attitude, direction, conversation, commitment.

And suddenly, you realise that it's all about running away. While all it all looks well and good and well on the outside, it's actually a series of split second moments of avoiding the awkward moment, choice, or just trying to stay out of someone else's way, because it just doesn't seem to be room for you both.

When. Actually there is room, opportunity, possibility to mend the broken or wounded, or just reconnect. Opportunity to grow.....

I believe in...

Peter Pan was always one of my favorite movies and books, and it's been fun to see Tinkerbell take off in a whole new level, with her own story and generation to delight. One of my nieces in particular loves her. From the moment she laid eyes on her at the age of nearly 2, I think, Tink has been her favorite- not bad considering she's now 4!!! Spending time with the girls means I know most of the Disney catch phrases, including 'I believe in Fairies!', which most of them do, or will grow to.

One of the areas of my new job, well, prac anyway, is that I get to spend an hour with a person essentially saying 'I believe in you!'. I am just me, but wow, the power of transformation that they go through as they make choices and decisions. There's ways and means of doing this, and I think back on other times when I have, or have not got it right, with friends and others I care about, and, well the not getting it right makes me sad, especially when it's well meant.

But. Here and now, being intentional, learning and understanding better, it is a delight to see internal and external tranformation happen. Pretty special!

A different kind of cheer leader:)

A new compass

I had a conversation today, with a woman from a country I know well. She was close to History when it happened so many years ago, when it changed a massive nation. And now, as a woman, she and her mother have sought to navigate the changes that were brought, both prior to, and as a result of those days so long ago.

For most of the time, her compass was her mother, and living a story that was more free than her own. Too often, it brought her back to the entrapment that she sought to escape so fiercly. More recently, she was introduced to a Heavenly Father who brings a whole other level of freedom, relationship, hope, future. She has been given a new compass. And, like a ship that needs to change direction, she is discovering a whole new way of living, and seeing life. The decisions that brought freedom from her initial traps now need a whole new freedom, and hopefully true and lasting freedom.

Talking to her also gave new insight to why a culture is changing the way it is, why the role of women seems to be going downwards, and slavery and prostitution are taking on ever new life. The initial concepts were designed to bring freedom and yet.... they have brought deeper slavery..... but that's another post right there....

Her story, I suspect isn't uncommon, but I wonder how often the outcome is similar.

Holding patterns

This is a week for telling a new story. The one so far has been one where all the mistakes are highlighted, there is so darn much to do and one perspective of what one needs to do is entirely different to another's. So, doing things twice - while so avoided has become common practice.

Once again, I wish I had the words to say in each and every situation, that I could communicate what I meant. Hearing back what others have 'heard' has been painful and so frustrating, because it has sounded like they have been talking about someone else, and while I am 'here', it's the memory of someone else who lingers, and their shadow that I still come under.

Someone posted a quote: 'The purpose of refinement is always to make us 'objects of beauty', NOT to leave us scarred and disfigured for life.'

I don't know what's next, but right now, I wish I could make the most of it, not keep it in a holding pattern only to pass it on to another.

Being yourself

Periodically, circumstances present themselves when suddenly it appears that, to be yourself is plain "NOT ENOUGH!". There is a pressure to be brighter, more fun, more 'got it all together', successful (in some mysterious way that you're not), financially stable, more friends, more time, more fitting life into the days that you have.

It comes as a shock, when, as Christians, I thought we had a different walk to take from the world, that we could be more real, honest, be ourselves, a little more grace-filled and more able to give the benefit of the doubt, allow time to get to know people.

There's so many circumstances where sometimes we need to take a second look, not only for our sakes, but for the sakes of others. A worthy challenge to live up to.

The real thing

I was talking to 'some people' last week about what I am doing now, and what's next. It's my last subject of my masters degree. I did a masters. The least intelligent of my family. The one most likely to fail, with least potential. The one who didn't really have anything of value to share. The comment was 'well, you will get a real job then...'. What have all my other jobs been??? What is the job I am doing????? And if that's what was, how is it that this won't be put into the same category as the last ones?

I struggle with the confidence to do life, relationships, and this thing I am trying to do. Struggle that there's more than enough people to say 'you can't' when all we need, ever, is to know that we can. There has been more times than not, recently when I have not sought out the Voice that has got me safe this far, that has kept me going and need to find it again. I need to choose again. Take stock once again of the next season and not let 'life' or others choose for me.

I am so glad there's enough choice, people, love, forgiveness, relationship for all. God is one of abundant love, who loves us best, who says yes, we are his favorite. Pretty cool, huh?!

Trusting the process

So often I forget that some things can't be rushed. You can't always jump start something, and you don't know what's just around the corner. Sometimes what looks bad now turns out to be pretty great somewhere down the track.

I often forget that I don't have the whole picture, that I don't know what's going on with other people, what God has in mind, or what's just around the corner, so there becomes a fine balance between wanting to see something happen, and trust the bigger picture, that in the process all will be well. We can't take short cuts.

We can pray though. We can give it to God, invite him into our journey, knowing that his perspective is always going to be the best, taking into consideration everything we have missed. We can be faithful, honourable, and sometimes, just suck it up and do what needs to be done, trusting God with the final outcome.

Dancing with my niece

Yesterday. I took the day off to look after my nieces. Not a day off per se, but there you go. In all, it was a really long, 13 1/2 hour day with them, but such a good day. The bits I remember though?? The missed opportunities. When I was more stern than I might have been, didn't stop and sit, lost sight of the important bits in exchange for other less vital things. Albeit, we had all decided on gingerbread men, but I could have made 'just enough' and not insisted on using all the dough all at once. I could have stopped and danced for much longer than I did. Enjoyed the tea party, played uno even though it was way after bed time.

They are all so incredibly gorgeous in their own incredibly unique way. And there were some wonderfully special moments... like 2nd breakfast of cino's and croissants before going to creche at church with all their special friends. Watching the 2yo with the trike hefting it on the bridge and sending it down the dip, racing around with her big sister, watching the 3yo pull the 2yo along on the trolley. Dancing, bath time, yummy dinner- where they ate it ALL!

I wish there was a reality check alarm at moment's when we are making choices. To choose what isn't only good (like fun gingerbread!), but what will last... like quality time all together, fun adventures, special moments. Quality time. Looking back, it's soooo easy for the day to disappear in a whirl of jobs that need to be done, going onto the next thing, bed, bath and dinner...and getting lost. Missing the beautiful opportunities to make the day fun, restful, peaceful and happy for all. To enjoy and rest in the process of the journey, rather than trying to do whatever is needed to get to the final destination. It doesn't always happen, but I am noticing it alot right now. Lesson learned. Again.

Time

My time is not my own at the moment. Well, it never is. It's God's. But right now, it's less mine to do what I want with, than ever. There's responsibilities, needs, expectations, commitments, requirements, the ever present need to earn money... the list goes on. It's full on, and I am not quite sure when it will stop, especially when looking at the diary, it's fairly full for another 6 weeks or so.

Time to start planning for the September holidays, I think! Now!:) But one thing (among many things!:)) I am looking forward to is some time learning about healing prayer. Scary, because the theory is useless without the practice and experience. That's where the fun really starts. And trusting God, once again to work through me.

Fun times ahead:)

Clients and process

I am up to nine client a week for counselling. Each is so special, and it's a privilege to walk the journey with each of them. Makes me more aware of my own fallen-ness and areas that need 'work' in my own life, that's for sure. But wow, the power of seeing people stepping out to make the change.

I am challenged enough to be on the verge of stepping out to make a change of my own. To most, I think it would be a nonevent, but then I know some people who are about to celebrate something that I have never celebrated, but done often. So, maybe its an event. Maybe its all in perspective.

Or the process. Time for some more celebrations perhaps.

Bully's

They aren't fun. At all.

Email free

There days, like the last couple of days, or, well, circumstances, when I could happily give up email altogether. Miscommunications, being ignored, 'yelled' at or accused are some of it's downsides. Not to mention accidently leaving out vital details, sending it just too quickly, or coming across with a very different tone to the one intented.

Being reminded of just how much can be left out of an email, intentionally or by accident has caught me up quite a few times in the last few weeks, which makes me wonder yet again about the joys of an internet free life. Where would we be without it? Less contact with friends perhaps, and definately the long distance ones, but I imagine we would be much more intentional about the face to face contact we might have instead... that's rather appealing right now, for a number of reasons.

But then, being in The Philippines recently,it was such a HUGE joy to finally meet people I had been emailing for such a long time. Maybe there's an up side after all....

Assignments completed.

The last assignment for the semester has now been handed in. Now to get enough hours of prac and then another semester is done, so long as I pass..... gotta love not having enough time. A stack of awesome conferences are coming up... which ones should I do. What am I most interested in,which is most effective and useful.... not that I seem to be able to take any more in:) Time for a holiday!:)

Assignments.

The first thing I always want to do for an assignment is find anything not related to the assignment... and do that. No matter what. Not many assignments to go, but they are still assignments. Maybe I should give them a new name.

Love

Jeremiah 29:13 says that we will seek and find God when we seek him with all our hearts. That's not as much love as he has for us, but that's alot for us to give him. And what a treasure we find, a relationship beyond relationships. And that's outworded in our whole lives. Amazing.

Trust the process

I left work this afternoon realising that I hadn't let the process of a tast alone. So often, in my other role, I am reminded to trust the process. Tonight, seeing two people hurt, angry, afraid and therefore not communicating, I wanted to say, trust the process, know what you want....be brave. When do I trust the process, or say something, to hopefully help the process....?

Most

Some things are easier to do than others. Some are easier to stick to. Some are easier to persist at... because the fruit/reward/results are far more quickly evident. Doing 3 different things in the week, I know what I would most like to do, mainly like to do, and least like to do....I am currently trying to do what I least like to do, which will help me to get to what I mainly like to do, which, in the long term, is what I would most like to do....

Late Nights

I can't do late nights. Cramming, writing assignments or otherwise. There's three 'projects' the demand full time attention, and by giving more to one, others suffer and vice versa.

Currently assignments are suffering,but I am too tired for a late night...:/

Waiting

Today feels like it's been a day of waiting, but I wonder what would happen if I did speak up for some change... or progress. What if I were to ask 'what would it take for a postive change to happen'?? Seriously... what's the worst that could happen, right?!:)

Saturday 7 May

Fair trade market, cold, awesome chats, new contacts. People doing amazing things. Lovely to have personal stories to share, and be able to talk to others about the people I have met recently. Divine chocolate now in Aus!!:):):)

Friday 6 May

God is faithful, God leads, speaks, has perfect timing, has given us emotions for a reason, loves us. God is creative, and we are very blessed, even when we have to go through the valley. Just some of the things that were talked about today:)

Thursday 5 May

Glad people beleive in me even when I don't always beleive in me. Glad for wide open spaces, opportunities to test my wings and yet still be supported well. Supervisors, friends are great.

Wednesday 4 May

Tired, weary, things hitting home. Too much miscommunication with people I know but have never met. Persistence, respect, persistence, patience is the key....

Tuesday 3 May

The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Realised tonight it doesn't say there isn't enough... wonder at the translation and the real meaning of what was intended. Different translations= different slants.

Monday 2 May

I know finishing well is really important, whatever the task, but need to be reminded that that includes feeding back well too, to the people who need to hear. Answers to prayer, saying good bye, saying thanks.

Sunday 1 May

Weary, not much sleep, but a couple more movies. Sydney city, Dad, then sister and very excited neices! So lovely to see them again. Mary Poppins, taking stock. Lots of goodies. SLEEP.

Saturday 30 April

Farewells again. Photos, soooo much shopping. Precious people, sucking the last out of every moment. Grateful for people, times, clarity, beauty. Two busses, a plane, train, then a musical in Sydney.

Friday 29 April

A royal wedding, friends, a day back in my old job, tea, coffee, lunch, dinner, rain. It's all nearly over all over again. Time to work out where home is again.

Thursday 28 April

Thought for the day: Last time I was here I gave what I had, but this time I have had something to give. Doesn't make too much sense, perhaps, but it has been special.

Wednesday 27 April

First ever talk on issues related to counselling. Wiped out. Encouraged, feeling blessed, glad for others being brave and the opportunities too. Next talk... coming up.

Looking for reasons to keep going in an area entirely unrelated to 'here and now'. Discouraged.

Tuesday 26 April

Was able to meet some people I have been hearing about for years now and say 'I've heard about you and think you're great!'. Fun times. Met a russian who knows a friend of mine's son. WAY HUGE HEAD SPIN!

Monday 25 April

Monday. More long, good, rich conversations, special times, news, moments. A visit to Tuen Mun, sun, harbour, walks, ice cream. New cocktail bar.

Sunday 24 April

Happy Easter! A glimpse of HK City. Choice, not enough time for everything, and people will come first. New thoughts, confirming direction, an awesome gift.

Saturday 23 April, 2011

Lots of long, slow, good, deep, rich conversations today. Surreal to be back in a place where I am used to being so busy, and not having to be anywhere else more important/urgent than the current conversation:)

Friday, 22 April

Quiet day, calm, reflection on the week and Good Friday. Conversation, prayer, big picture, life changes. Love. Flights, the next leg. Contemplation.

Thursday 21 April

Heart full to overflowing. Don't want to say goodbye, or leave. Children gorgeous. Gift bag giving, ESPECIALLY SHOE GIVING: PRICELESS!!!!!! Tears. Overwhelmed, and not ready to move along yet.

Wednesday 20 April.

Wow, nearly done. Getting to know the children. Gift bag packing. Shoe buying for each child. Big bag of Peanut Butter M&M's! Awesome conversations & people.

Tuesday 19 April

Losing track of days, want to stay. Awesome conversations- thought provoking. Direction giving. A role for a Christian fair trader/counsellor? hm. Energy needing, More love giving.

Monday 18 April

First day of kids camp. Awesome team: Victorious Blues! Awesome team chant. Hoarse, hoarse throat... Kay has arrived, special conversations. Counselling, fair trade, the works.

Sunday 17 April

Church, home, supermarket, orphanage, feeding program, massive vege farm, puppy and worm farm. Hotel. Swimming, meeting, more pizza. Humid, warm, tropical, heavy air. Camp tomorrow!:)

Saturday 16 April

Travelling again, Dumaguete and children's camp. Pastors who live in the slums with their Church family. Amazing team. More eye opening to come. New sunglasses.

Friday 15 April

Last organization, joy, beauty, gorgeous product being made. Waterside slums- dread the wet when it arrives. Or the typhoons. Such a fragile exhistence. Precious gifts.

Thursday 14 April

An historic school, tiny clinic- delivering 150 babies a month, with 9 arriving before 12 today. Gorgeous. Lovely conversations, inspiration, possibilities, product matches, hope, opportunity.

Wednesday 13 April

Beautiful smiles, gorgeous children and women who are motivated and dedicated for others, Jeepneys, tricycles galore. Conversations with friends who I have finally met.

Tuesday 12 April

Today: Two flights,four movies, one book read, one seminar nearly done, many more on the way. HKIA- long walk, Starbucks, just missing the people!:)

25 words or less

I have been sitting at the airport for a couple of hours now and the plane is nearly ready to go. Have been thinking about what's ahead in The Philippines and Hong Kong, people, plans, hopes and the future. I appreciate the challenge of word limits though mine tends to be an A4 page, and the concept of a photo per day. 

For my time away, I am hoping to do both:) There are so many good things to come and I dont want to miss any of it in the 'what ifs' and well, my own plans!

So, will see where this journey takes us.....! Thanks for travelling with me!!

25 words will hopefully start next:)

The full circle.

It occurs to me that life, once again has come a full circle. I started writing this blog many years ago, because I had started a new journey, and wanted to document it somewhere. From there, lots of learning has taken place, study, countries, and now I am on the brink of returning to the place where it all began. I am checked in, and just about, almost ready to head back to Hong Kong. On my way, I will be spending time in The Philippines- the first time (terrible that it's taken so long!). The time in Hong Kong- I'm looking forward to that. Looking forward to seeing how much it has changed, and me too. I have learned so much, and yet, with all the learning, have so far to go. It's an amazing gift to be able to return, and I am intrigued as to how it's going to turn out. The trip has come together in an amazing way. With lots of connections and random bits of life that have worked themselves together. There's only so much I can do though, ask, plan, and try and put into place, and from there, others to take on, answer, and for God to well, make it all happen as He plans. I feel like I have been given a precious gift to give, but it's only an older worn gift that will accepted, or recognized. Hopefully it will be alright, no matter what, and whatever I can give will be... enough.

The happy dance

This last week, I have been anticipating the events of Friday with some dread. On paper, what I was comitting to do made sense, and within the context, seems a reasonably normal, though yes, very full plan. Talking to others, the reaction was 'are you crazy!?!', but under the circumstances, what can you do!

But, getting to the end of it, wow it was full, and long, and I wasn't sure quite how I was going to change gears again once I was done, but I did it! I wanted to sing out loud and do the happy dance: 'I did it, I did it!' because well, it was a big thing.

But it's a start, too and a process, and there is soooo much to learn still, and while this week was amazing- for me, that's not what counts at the end of the day. It was changemaking, but not me making the change. It's such a priveledged position, and I am so humbled ot be a part of it, which also means, I have a long way to go....!

Some things don't change

I'm reading a book set nearly 200 years ago in Manchester, UK. It's great, and I am so appreciating the story and writing- and how she wrote it all without computer and other helpful editing facilities!

The thing that most amazes me is its relevence still. We still have and face the same issues. The geography is different, but poverty and attitudes towards it are still often the same...!

Looking forward to seeing the rest of the story unfold!

Seasons

The last few weeks have been nuts. Busy, crazy, and way too much. It's reaching the end. and next week uni returns, so a new routine again will be established. There has been so many good things happen in the last little while, but it's the bad that sticks to mind. A friend rather offended, a disspointing meeting followed by a dissapointed colleague, and a lovely conversation that may just be peetering off.

I don't cope well when ending a super busy time and not having anything planned- it feels like stepping off a cliff into a void- a very different sensation to being on solid ground, and yet, often there isn't time to prepare a safety net in advance. Often there aren't people around, and in this case that has been coupled with misunderstanding. I want to know I have been forgiven. Want to know what is going on with the lovely conversation, want to find a new possibility for the colleague and the work that we do.

I want to know and see the difference between the good things to do, and the right things to do, and what to release as a result. With that is often the desire to be busy- to keep moving, because for whatever reason I am in my life situation, and I want to make the most of it, and well, don't want to stop,because in some ways there is a sense of 'what will be left', but there is also so many things I would like to do and quality people I appreciate spending time with.

Some encouragement would be so good, the deep down 'well done', to have the positive noticed even when, in my perspective, it's the negative that is magnified....

Tomorrow though, is a new day, fresh, with no mistakes in it...:)

2011

What a year 2010 was. The people, events, ups, downs, special times, heartbreaking times. An amazing year. Being the first day of the next year though... ahh the possibilities. I often picture a story I once heard, and, thinking back on it today, wonder what that will mean for the year ahead.

Imagine a beautiful glass container. It can be as big or small as you like. Start off by putting in large-ish beautiful stones (for, they are the most important, and will take up the most space). They need to be chosen carefully though as only so many can fit in.

Following that, are smaller stones, or shells- the little beautiful ones you find on the beach. Next up are the grains of sand, and following that is the liquid that will cover all, be through all, and finish it off. The container that is the year ahead.

Some of it will be planned and intentional whereas others will be a surprise, unexpected and well, come out of the blue.

I am looking forward to being more intentional about a few things, see other things becoming more established and see how the whole year takes shape! I am looking forward to it:)

Motivation

Isn't it funny what we have motivation for! I have been thinking about the things I am interested in, and enjoy doing. But there seems to be a gap between them all.

There's the group of things I just have to do, because they are life, or I have committed to it, like, well, going to work. There are people who are a priority to see. I can always find time to see or talk to these people.

And then there are the things I should do, or would like to do, or even really like to do. And yes, the things I ought to do. I wish I had equal motivation for those things, and even for the interesting uni assignments which I really do know I want to sink my teeth into.... and yet... it would be nice to have a nice energy, and gung ho-ness about those things too!:)

Bloggers graveyard

Over the years since blogging started, I have bookmarked lots of blogs, to follow, keep up with, whether they were written by friends, or were of topics that were interesting to me, or had been recommended to me by friends.

It's always exciting to see some start up, but sad when they drop off again. There are some that I know are paused, and when they auther gets a chance, it will start again, but there are others that have been sitting, waiting for another visit for a year or more, or a big event happened...and that's it. I remember so many of those times, blogs and stories and have loved following friends in this way, but when do you pull the plug and delete the link? I can't bring myself to it, because it feels like deleting a friendship, and that would truly be sad, even if it is just in cyberspace.

Life does go on, and other events happen. I don't mind that the blogs stop, but I do miss them too!

Practical

It never ceased to amaze me that I can get soooo much done at work, and seemingly acheive so much, and then it comes to what I am studying.... and all motivation goes zip! Out the door!


I love what I am studying, and my work, and wonder at their connects, but wow it's hard to apply myself to the theoretical rather than the practical!


It was such a good, and successful work week too. I am so pleased with all that happened, and projects that are coming together. While it can be super hard work and I want to quit, I also really love my job, the opportunities, and the people I get to work with are pretty amazing! And when opportunities for these amazing groups bear fruit, that makes it all the more worthwhile!

As I get to the end of my degree, the question of 'what's next?' gets asked more and more, and while I don't have a clear answer, and feel like life is very bitty, know it's in good hands, and it will all fall in place at just the right time! But in the meantime, the next 6 weeks is going to be rather busy!!!

Open Doors

I have spent the last few days at a trade fair for Christian Booksellers. It has gone so fast, and there are so many people I would have liked to sit down and have long talks to, but it was such an immensly encouraging time though, of talking, sharing stories of what God has done, of seeing miracles, big and small. There are book shops that survive through the wonderful help of volunteers, while others step out and show God's love at Sexpo and the Mind Body Spirit festival, seeing miraculous events, and life changes daily!

Often there would be people who would suddly stop with heads bowed, praying, all encouraging each other and sharing their journeys.

The theme for me though, that kept coming through was, that all we need to do is pray, commit our way to God, and trust him to open the doors. For many of them, they saw it in the practical and the miraculous, the provision of abundance when a vision and dream had been defined, or when they felt like God was telling them to do something crazy rediculous!!

I think of events in my life, things I would like to see happen that I just can't make happen. There have been times when I have tried to open doors, or at least gently leaned on them hopefully. It all comes back to trusting God though, praying, and giving him room to move, something I still struggle with... I am wonderfully encouraged by the amazing men and women who are out there doing just that!!!:)

Dad's

I have been really mindful of quite a few situations over the last couple of weeks, and in a completely different context, VERY aware that father's day is coming up!

In both of these strange meanderings, it has amazed me yet again that I know some incredible fathers out there. They love their families with a fierce protective love, and feel the pain of helplessness when they can't fix the big painful issues that batter and bruise the people they care about most. They take amazing joy in their wives, and have amazing pride in all their children's accomplishments. I am so glad to know them all, and soooo glad to know some incredible honorable, integrity-filled, love filled, passionate, patient, God filled men!

Happy fathers day!:) And if you're not one yet, happy Father's day to be!:)

Meandering paths.

The last few weeks have been quite something really, challenging and enlightening at the same time. There has been some low lows, and a desperate need to hold my tongue and keeeeeep on holding it, as well as some really special highs.

It has amazed me again and again how the same route, even though within different contexts and language will get you to a similar destination! Sometimes its good, and not so good, intentional and unintentional...

Standing back and looking at different situations and events, there are moments when it's hard not to notice the elements that separate and unite. There have been elements of counselling and prayer ministry this week, which have been distinctly similar, and yes, they have been specific styles, they are also very different and one isn't necessarily going to replace the other.

I am so glad to be learning, and in a place to make connections, and yes, even actually have something to offer. there is still so much to learn though!! Meeting someone recently, it struck me hard when they said they were studying for the peice of paper... what a tragic loss, though yes, so understandible in so many situations, and yet, I watched someone go back to study this week and she hadn't been in any formal education since year 10. What excitement and joy she had after over 20 years, to be able to get stuck into something new.

That has been an incredible highlight of the last few weeks, as has seeing answers to prayer. God is good!

Blind spots

As my friends get older, and yes, more grown up, many are going on to have their third, even fourth or fifth children. One good friend has gone on to have seven children- all of whom are gorgeous unique and really special! I am looking forward ot be an aunt for the fourth time soon:)

Alongside that picture of wonderful blessings and bundles of joy, there are those who can't have children, for whatever reason. They haven't been able to, aren't in a position to, or have lost them. Some do go on to having children, but it is an emotional road that is walked.

With so many wonderful friends who are having children, it is such a special time to be around, to watch the joys unfold, and grieve when things don't go as they should. I have an overwhelming desire to punch certain people who judge others in relation to that, and am often shocked by the way the whole topic of children brings out the honest, and not always helpful opinions. So often it's heartbreaking- for people who have been blessed with 'many', or those with none, when they have got it 'wrong' in the minds of the person passing judgement. And no, I am not referring to any one person in particular- more the passing comments, criticisms, and opinions I have heard first, or second hand.

It's easy to develop moral blind spots, and I am sure I have them too, but and feeling rather fragile for those walking these days, and am glad I can be a spare pair of hands occasionally...

They are a miracle, a precious gift, not always easy, but somehow, someway we have been designed and created for relationship, and a big part of that includes children...

Single. White. Female.

I started a writing course last week, and am supposed to be writing for 15 minutes every day. In a journal. This is going to have to do for tonight though. And in general, it's going to have to be wherever I can squeeze the time and space into the day currently. Tonight, I just want to comment.

Single White Female. That's, well, some of the titles once could label me as. I won't go into any others for now, and for the purposes of todays comment, will leave it at that. Mostly, I get on with life, I am who I am within the life I am living, and that's fine. It might not be what I would prefer in some cases, but hey, I am alive, happy, love God best, have awesome friends and family... what more could I want, hey?! Well, it may not be more, but it might just be different.

Last week, within the multiple elements, big and little, totally unrelated, I came to be feeling VERY single, and very much a female!!

What surprised me though was how rarely I notice it being pointed out through other peoples actions, choices and exclusions.

And it's also got me thinking about how we can never know how people feel about different life circumstances, positive or negative, but, usually it's the negative ones that are kept most close to heart... like trying and not being able to have children- which is the case for so very many, but often, so often, our random, flippant, unthought out comments can often be so painful to others- and we often have no idea of the impact and emotion behind it.

It has been a good wake up call that I am grateful for, and am glad I can use where I am for good!:)

Abundance

Tonight was home group, and a time in the week where once again I give thanks for the amazing church I go to!! As the months have gone on this year, I have slowly settled into church, a home group, helping out with more things, finding a place there.

I can't get over how special different aspects of it are, and how the take me by such surprise over and over again, when actually, it should always be like this, right? An overwhelming abundance of grace, genuine care for one another.... I love it!!

Anyway, home group started again this week, and it was so wonderfully refreshing to be there again. One quirky thing I happen to love is the worship. We will occasionally get out dark blue plastic folders, someone will play a guitar, and while I am there, I am also transported back to a place and group of other people who do the same thing, and used to do it in much the same way, often even with similar songs! Brilliant!!

Anyway, I have been thinking through all these things, of abundance, desert, lavishness, dryness, quenching, overwhelming grace and love, because, as I look into next week- the start of a new semester, I don't feel ready. It feels like I have been doing everything from a place of emptiness, taking snatches of breath where I could, rather than drinking deeply of God's goodness and grace.

Tonight I started reading a book about creativity in an effort to find ways to be operating out of a place of abundant love and grace, and home group really helped to kick start that journey. So, no matter what's happening, and how busy it was, is, will be, and dry the environments are that I reside in, I hopefully will find that place of abundance, no matter what my circumstances...!

Servant Leadership

There's different kinds of leadership, the roles, styles, and well, attitudes.


I have been thinking about how different people lead a bit today and how effective it is, and how powerful it is as a way of communicating to others!

At work there's different leaders, and different leadership styles, different attitudes, and different intentions.

I guess, as part of a team who are mostly Christian, and some, not Christian, the way leadership is excercised is an immensly powerful communicator, whether it's of a servant leadership nature, or directed. It seems that the servant leader is the most powerful in communicating God's love and grace, while other modes can tend to be less helpful. It's easy to stand on a pedestal and tell everyone else what to do, or what others have done wrong, but harder too, to get stuck in, and lead through loving first, doing first, and working it out together.

It's something I struggle with, and am humbled by, but it's the servant leaders who are around me that motivate me to keep trying, keep being humble, and keep seeing others for who they really are,and the beauty which is within each.