Jenn Johnson on God speaking to us.

I went to a worship evening a few weeks, ago, with my favorite worship pastors at the moment, Brian and Jenn Johnson. Part of the evening included them telling their story. The comment that Jenn made that stuck out enough to write it down was the following:

‘ All the confirmations in the world are great but mean nothing until God speaks to you about it’

As someone who can connect things, coincidences and circumstances like a dot to dot drawing in such a way that the turtle actually looks like a princess, it has been a beautifully freeing thing to treat things as they are, rather than judging a situation, or series of events, but take the things that God has been speaking to me about, and trust them back to him… pretty awesome of Him, pretty hard at times to trust, especially as I want to revert back to old habits so often.

Love how God uses situations in ways completely unexpected!!

Vision

I stayed back for church tonight, which was way better than I was hoping or expecting, not because I didn’t think it would be good, but because I was out all day, and possibly needed home time, especially on a Sunday night, but as always, it was so worth it.

They are going through a  series of talks on  vision, which morning church has also done recently, but it was really special to do it again. Having listened to a talk on promises this morning, there was a beautiful parallel as we each took a piece of chalk outside to write a one word vision for the church that we each have. It was awesome to look around at the end and see the creativity, diversity and unity throughout each word.

We were then challenged to take that word to live it out in our home and work environments.

Mine was love, because, as I look back over this year, it’s been a theme, in the verses, challenges, words people have had for me. More striking to me, having had this developing theme, then church this morning on Promises, and then vision tonight, was the tying together and outpouring of the theme, but also the confirmations.

Love seems like such an easy thing, so common, normal and attainable, but it’s the ‘putting another first’, in a way where they get the benefit, is anything but easy, whether it’s with people who love Jesus, or don’t, such as in the case of many of the people I work with- and I am their only reference point.

So, in the vision tonight has been a confirmation of the promises spoken out, which has been pretty cool, and while I don’ t know what God has in mind, am reminded that God has a plan for me, not just us, the he is a Good God who loves us in ways I am only just getting a bit more of a glimpse of.

Once again grateful for this season.

Rest

Rest is such a funny thing.

Life is busy and full, and the weeks leading up to this past week particularly full, some bits away, and some bits while at home. I came home from one 'away' time and from the moment I set foot back in the door, knew it wouldn't be restful, or the rest I needed. This past week though has been rest-filled though- not less busy, and certainly not earlier nights- if anything, later.

But in all of this week, there has been rest. The peace that is good. There's been no understanding it, and who knows how long it will last (though, another week is a nice possibility:))

Rest in the Bible is something that puzzles me somewhat. In a day where it's so much more important sounding to be busy all the time, way too busy, God places such value on rest, and doing things, and working from a place of rest. It would be so lovely to live within that, and I am grateful to have a taste of something like that this week. I want more!:)

Church family

I love my church! My experience go up and down, and while it's not perfect by any means, it's so special to me.

While I had listened to podcasts and visited over the years, it was when I walked in to stay that I came home. I love that! Especially as, for alot of the time, it's been somewhere I have often felt out of place, and not quite a right fit in all of it, but overall it's the right place.

I won't count the things I am involved in there, and really don't know, for which I am glad, because I love being part of all of them and wouldn't really want to change anything.

There's times when all is good, life is well, church is fab, God is at work and I can see it clearly in a myriad of different ways.
And then there's times when I get lost. In what's not, hasn't been, what's lacking in me and who I should be. And as I come out of that and see again clearly, it seems, I often wonder what's stopped me, held me back and put dark walls around me.

How does one take that leap of faith rather than forever standing on the edge?? How awesome would it be to live in the leap, of that moment of soaring, and trusting God completely....? Because that's the place where you're eyes are fixed so firmly on Jesus there's no room for anything else- least of all self doubt.

Something to think about some more!

Seeing through a glass darkly

I still give a Chistmas present to Jesus each year, and this, for 2011, was mine. It's funny, as you come up to the time when a gift is due, and you start thinking about it early enough to get just what you want. In this case, it took a while longer and took a trip around the world.

As I came to this year, there was alot that was going to be new. I was stepping out of a few things, and into a new unknown. Looking back, it's been good. I was struck by the concept of what's in each of our hands. I was looking at mine again, and there's nothing there, but as I had thought about the Christmas gift for last year, I loved the visual of a Christmas decoration being held, but one that was glass, and you could only see through partially. 

I love the imagery of seeing through a glass darkly, and so often that's what we do here. We don't fully see, or understand, or comprehend the bigger picture, but trust (or try very hard to!) the One who has it all complete in himself.

Having to hunt around for the passage for a bit, and finding it in 1 Corinthians 13:12..

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. (NIV)

But then, the KJV is pretty awesome too.

For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

I loved the picture, because there is much in my hands (even if I don't see it), but my role is to use what I have, and while I can only see and understand partially what it's all about, that's ok.

And yes, being October, time to start thinking about what my gift will be for this year!:)

Keep praying

So, started off the day with some Bill Johnson awesomeness. Love the way he understands, loves, draws close, and encourages others to draw close to God. He started off talking about what if God doesn't answer prayer. Thanksgiving. No matter what.

Then an email came in saying that the health that came was temporary.

And the prayers I have prayed almost since I knew to bring these prayers to an awesome, lovingly Heavenly Father. And prayed.

And prayed.

God is good:)

Stories

Someone sent me information about a new job that's just been advertised yesterday, which was nice, fun, and challenging- but also a 'stop and check' why am I doing my current one, and one of the main reasons I returned to was that I like the conversations I get to have there, but also the stories I get to tell others about the amazing people I come across each day at work. I like being an advocate, and standing in the gap for them, whether it's raising awareness of the people behind the headlines, or making sure they know what will happen to them if their spouse dies of the cancer they have just been diagnosed with.

Home group tonight was an informal event- it's been a few weeks, so was catching up... it also involved lots of challening questions. The person hosting showed a couple of film clips that's been immensley challenging for their journey thus far, which brought great discussion about your usual... healing, miracles, expectations, raising from the dead... God Goodness.

Normally in this context I have stories to share- loads of stories, and awesomely good God- glorifying ones. But they're not mine. They are friends overseas, in far off places, or people at church, or other churches closer to home. I believe them, and love to share them, but like so many good stories, they belong to someone else and someone elses experience. It was a special privelege to pray with some friends for somene last week, and to see healing come, and to be able to share that God story this evening. While it's not confirmed, the feedback was an awesome answer to prayer, so are looking forward to seeing what God does in her life, and the lives of those who were part of it and not necessarily familar, and those who have heard about it since.

It's a surprising season I'm in. God is good:)

Thinking, feeling, doing

In counselling speak, there's a process related to CBT (Cognitve behavioural therapy) which I often refer back to as it's such a simple idea, and easy to remember and excercise when needed.

You think something which leads to feeling, which leads to a certain action. So, if it's negative, it will lead to negative outcomes, and if it's positive it will lead to positive outcomes.

In a job when there's lots of space in the day (compared to what I'm used to), it's easy to get distracted by things, feelings, thoughts, ideas, that really have no place in my life, so it's quite the challenge to 'take each thought captive', and be faithful with the time, energy and resources I have, and seek new ways to make the most of it, or merely persevere with things I know will hopefully be useful, like cold calling students, and seeking them out. Fortunately, there's lots of fun things that do come along throughout the day, not to mention people with crazy amazing stories.

Some verses often come back to me at those times, and others when I am reminded of the 'cream'. Jeremiah 29:11 is such a famous verse, and so awesome, but the truly challenging, extraordinary, humbling, gems of verses to me, are the ones following.

And, because I have landed on The Amplified Version, here it is.
Jeremiah 29:11-14

¹¹ For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.

¹² Then you will call upon Me, and you will come and pray to Me, and I will hear and heed you.

¹³ Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.

¹⁴ I will be found by you, says the Lord, and I will release you from captivity and gather you from all the nations and all the places to which I have driven you, says the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I caused you to be carried away captive.

I love the call to intimacy, of being found, of having to seek God with all my heart. When life seems to say that so many other things should have a claim on  my heart first, it's nice to be reminded that seeking God with all my heart is not only an added extra, but a first response.

The Cream

So, thinking about the cream... I have been trying to identify the difference, and in it all would have to say it's God's presence and power working in and through me, the relationship I have with Him is where all the goodness comes from, so out of there that the meaning, strength and rest is. And out of all the 'biscut', it becomes richer and stronger as a result.

I went to a different church a few weeks ago which I really enjoyed. It had a similar atmosphere to the one I go to.. it wasn't slick, or perfect, but everything was done from the heart. One of the verses shared has stayed with me since then.

Psalm 127: 1-2 (NIV)

Unless the Lord builds the house,
    its builders labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
    the watchmen stand guard in vain.
² In vain you rise early
    and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
    for he grants sleep to^[a] those he loves.

Everything comes out of God's love and rest. Not labor and striving.

So a nice reminder to dig in deep with God, all over again:)

Family

Today was a fun day, full of immediate family, and my sister's parents in law. It was the family birthday celebration of my two eldest nieces, and while none of the other side of the family could come in the end, or my brother's new girlfriend, it was a good day. Today was spend, as normal for one of these days, with the kids, helping out, playing, keeping things moving while the grandparents on both sides sat and chatted.  

It's always such a funny day- two very different families getting together, with different 'rules', and relationships. My sister, her husband and his family are open, talk, discuss, and want to understand things, whereas on my side, it's much more, well, there's only ever one answer to a question that is ever considered right. Makes for some very interesting discussions, especially when it comes to theology, and discussions about how famiy should be and what the influencing factors are! I love spending time with the 'other' side of the family, and am always so blessed to be invited to their Christmas days. But when both are together, the kids are always a much more fun option:)

Family is a leveller, and divider. You are part of each other, your history and future, and there's the need to work through things, or ignore enough to get through, but at the end of the day, a need to stick together no matter what differences of opinion you might have. John Wimber called the church a family, a hospital, a school, an army. Pretty cool. A challenge too in how we see all of these, and how we react and respond to each. Hm. When I think of church, yes, in my head, it's family first, but hospital and school would encompas more of what I will be doing tomorrow. Interesting.. will have to keep reading the book"The way in is the way on", and see what tomorrow brings!

Line in the sand

October is notoriously my least favorite month of the year. Every time. Growing up it was the lead up to November, which yes, spring, my birthday, nearly holidays, Christmas and loads of good things. It was also the lead up to exams, of not meeting expectations, ever, failing, and not just in the subject, but as a person.

It's been a while, I while I know that much of it isn't true any more, there's still residual effects that cast a shadow. So, I was aware of it this year, and thought I had it licked, or at least was aware enough to have made plans, but surprises always surprise, and unexpected events can have their way of making their presence felt. Strongly.

So, back to blogging for the next few weeks. Why, so I can draw a line in the sand, so I can record and mark new beginnings. Unfortunately, this will be the least positive out of all of them(I trust!!), but also guessing it's been so long since I have posted anything that it won't be read anyway.

So, planning to blog for the next weeks- at least till my birthday:)

The last few days have been really hard. Surprisingly so.Yesterday, I was reminded of so many things I am not. I am so aware of them, and so familiar, and often it's ok. I know the lack. I am not married. I do not have children. I am not Young like many others. I am not heard by people I wish would hear me. I am not the absolute favorite of just one person who I would in turn like to have as a favorite. I want to say it's fine.

Lots recently has been awesome, special, and really fun. An old friend is back, which I am loving, and who I really enjoy doing life with, but as they have returned, I need to be ready for when they leave again. Unless God intervenes and makes the new season different to ones in the past, keeping the friendship more active than it has been, the wind will change and I will have to remember that they are  *still* a friend, and I was not the stop gap inbetween. I have done it before, and will do it again and forgive the unintended hurt and get on with the New, and rejoice joyfully and freely in all that God has for them. There's awesome things in store for them:)

But, while it's not fine, I do know and have been wonderfully encouraged, that God is Good, he's not forgotten, and while it seems that my life mission is to support and cheer others on (which I love!), I would love to see my life as being fuller, not of programs and committees, of groups, practical fun and being involved with different things....but in the gaps between it all, have those fillings be the best bits of the lot. Actually, I have a picture of an oreo cookie right now- the biscut bit the doing, the jobs, roles, things I'm involved with, but the real goodness is the cream in the middle....

So, there's my challenge for the next while, I guess- to have fun with the cream, dense fillings, taking time to recognize, stop, pause for a while, and savour the sweet taste.

Living at a blog over here....:)

I had such big intentions to continue blogging this year, but at the moment it doesn't feel like it's happening, although, as I thinkk about the possibility of not writing, new thoughts do spring to mind... anyway, much of the reason why is because I am caring for another blog right now. You will find it at www.athisfeet.com.au. It's a blog peopled by amazing women from Northridge Vineyard and is a joy to give each of them a voice.

So, will see, there may be more to come here. And asI was reminded this week, God is always doing something good!:)

Given

The things I most dearly want to do right now... go to my graduation, and a see one of my favorite bands play in Australia....are at awkward times, don't really work that well with life, times, others...and yet they are two things that would make my heart happy.

To push, or not to push, to persevere, or give up into time and all that could, should, ought to be...and yet heart happy brings fruit, joy, meaning, peace too. Testimony's of God in and through a life that's trying to be all given to Him....

To go means value, meaning, completion, significance of all that God has done, and is doing. To not go... will be dissapointing, sad....something lost.

I guess I'm going:)

Baking

Coming home from work yesterday, I realised, it hasn't been the easiest few months. The challenges of adjusting to a new job, people, mindsets, a Christian organisation, but no Christians aside from myself as far as I can see and of trying to maintain life outside of work. The joy of waiting for answers to questions, non-answers, and straight out no's has been a challenge.

It has been gorgeous to have a complete rest day today, a day with lots of talks, worship, dogs for company, and lots of baking. I was looking at some of the things I cooked today, and realised that they turned out well. Having had space, time, no need to rush, the things I have cooked have come out of a place of rest. I remember the last time I cooked for someone, I was stressed, because the food is often critiqued, which for me, writes of the the whole meal, even though it's not intended, and because I know it will be critiqued, I know I more stressed, have less time, and well, it just doesn't work as well. And it makes me sad, as know the critique-ing is well intentioned, it just doesn't inspire me to cook, let alone cook better.

It really makes me question what else needs to come out of that place of rest and how I can get more of that rest in my life!:)

Friendship divorce

I read this article this week, and yup, it sums it up for me. Having been on the receiving, and yes, the giving end of this, and even the 'the harder I try not to muck it up, the more I seem to get it wrong' but there we are. As someone who values friends highly, especially when my life looks different to most other people's, it's hard when they fade away in different cases. There's a grief to that and a loss that's not like other losses. On the other hand, life happens, we go through phases, and sometimes it's really not personal, and you can come out the other side.

As as someone who has different phases in lifeand chapters, I guess I can't hold onto each chapter and all they hold. Some are for a life time, but others just can't be held onto as it would be ideal... So, as I step into another new chapter of life for some elements of this year, I look forward to seeing all it holds, the new friendships, the current friendships. And with the ones I can't seem to hold on to, there is grace, forgiveness, and surprise catch-ups:)

Home

I am sitting in the London kitchen, the two youngest kids (3 days off 18, and 20!) upstairs or watching TV. Sausages in the oven, Rachel due for lunch. Quiet, peace. The other life. So normal and so foreign.

I have been back int he UK since Wednesday and love being here, and yet the pull to be in Sydney is still strong. And yet this is home too.

Time for lunch:) This family which has been my family for 18 years and 3 days. Home.

There is nothing more delicious...

Read this today... had to share:) there is nothing more delicious ...

by mici magazine … than warm fresh just out-of-the-oven cookies, the feel and smell of fresh sheets on your newly made bed, a lingering kiss from your one true love, the perfect silence in the midst of a storm, the hope inspired by a morning cup of your favourite brew, the lure of a warm open fire, romance in the winter time, being snuggled up with a good book on your weekend off, sleeping the day away, the morning dew dripping from thawing trees, stars shining brightly in a moonlit sky, the laughter from a friend walking through life’s pains, the answer to prayer only God can bring, your favourite song up loud and on repeat, the soaking rays from the sun on a summer’s day, the beautiful coolness of the ocean on sun-drenched skin, a heart after you, a good ole’ cry to a feel-good girlie movie, rain on the window, the rainbow that salutes the passing of the storm, the thought that dreams can come true, the smell of summer in the air, freshly mowed grass, slipping off high heels at the end of a long day, candles flickering by the bath as you soak the day away, a hot shower on your first sunburn of the season, hindsight, the view over the ocean from an upstairs window, a good workout, fitting into your favourite dress, that first untouched page of your brand new journal and the perfect pen with which to capture this journey called life knowing that no matter what it throws your way, no matter the storm that rages by day and the seeming silence to your prayers by night, no matter your mistakes and ‘misfortunes’ your choices and those made for you, that ultimately the creator of the universe, GOD HIMSELF, is for you—so who can be against you! There’s nothing more delicious …

Start living it.

Someone passed on this reference last week. How cool is that!

My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6-7 (The Message)

My jewels

I was sitting working at the computer today by my supervisor. We were idely chatting as we did what we needed to do, and suddenly it dropped. "I was talking to someone about you today- they love that they are growing and feeling safe, loved able to do what they need to do", she said. It was one of the people I meet with each week. She didn't say who, but it was what she said that was such a precious jewel.

I received an email last week from someone saying 'it worked'! I got through something I never get through successfully. 'I did it!'.

Another wrote, mentioning a time that seemed so dry to me. I had gone to give, to share, to bless, and was told no. And yes, there was a conversation... and out of that, life, renewed life, purpose, identity. Someone who is living a whole (-er!) life again.

All incredibly precious jewels. Of seeing precious amazing people realizing that they can do it.

Each comment has been a precious jewel in the week, of seeing people see themselves in a new way, new possibilities, and step out in faith and fresh hope. Each are jewels, precious people who I get to walk alongside. What an incredible gift it has been.

What an amazing, challenging, precious year.

The Finishing.

That time has come again. I knew it would. Today was my last formal time at uni, the last supervision, last assignment returned, last hours turned in. My home group leaders are stepping down, and our group dividing in two, because it has grown so much. The process of starting to wind up work, to finish it off, and well, to hand it over into a unknown future.

I have been here so often. Finishing a chapter and starting something new and exciting and while I am excited about this new chapter- it's been so very many years in the development, today feels sad as I look back on the years, the journey, friendships. I am so grateful for these days, the good, the learnings, the fun, joyful, challenging, amazing times.

There will be another trip to London, and then on to new things, but no new country... this time. But new things, yes. New challenges, job, home group, opportunities.

But for now, I am in The Finishing...

Planting and growing confidence.

There is such a difference in ways of instilling confidence in a person. I have just handed in my last ever assignment for this degree. I can't beleive it.

There is a huge part of me though, that wants the quick rush of someone like my supervisor saying, yes, you're a great counsellor... and yet, I know that it would be superficial, a quick fix, like fast food that just wouldn't satisfy.... because in all honesty it would be feeding my vanity. And yet, there's something in wanting that affirmation.

On the other hand, his not commenting, of gentle expectation of the delivery of what I have done. It's the process, growing from experience, and just steadily working away at it. Growing confidence, deep down sureness from within. Even through the set backs, delays, mistakes and challenges it's been quite a journey! This has been planted, and grown, and while it's still a little plant, it's coming along steadily:)

Running away

It's funny how fast something turns around, the nuances of a conversation, the realisation of what means something to you, meaning something entirely different to others. The sudden forks in the road, choices to be made, in attitude, direction, conversation, commitment.

And suddenly, you realise that it's all about running away. While all it all looks well and good and well on the outside, it's actually a series of split second moments of avoiding the awkward moment, choice, or just trying to stay out of someone else's way, because it just doesn't seem to be room for you both.

When. Actually there is room, opportunity, possibility to mend the broken or wounded, or just reconnect. Opportunity to grow.....

I believe in...

Peter Pan was always one of my favorite movies and books, and it's been fun to see Tinkerbell take off in a whole new level, with her own story and generation to delight. One of my nieces in particular loves her. From the moment she laid eyes on her at the age of nearly 2, I think, Tink has been her favorite- not bad considering she's now 4!!! Spending time with the girls means I know most of the Disney catch phrases, including 'I believe in Fairies!', which most of them do, or will grow to.

One of the areas of my new job, well, prac anyway, is that I get to spend an hour with a person essentially saying 'I believe in you!'. I am just me, but wow, the power of transformation that they go through as they make choices and decisions. There's ways and means of doing this, and I think back on other times when I have, or have not got it right, with friends and others I care about, and, well the not getting it right makes me sad, especially when it's well meant.

But. Here and now, being intentional, learning and understanding better, it is a delight to see internal and external tranformation happen. Pretty special!

A different kind of cheer leader:)