I pulled the plug

Spring is nearly here and I have spent some more time in my garden recently. We had a gardener come in at the beginning of winter and some work, and as part  of it he cut off a long stalk of one of my favourite plants. I guess I knew it had to go, but it was so pretty(read: the flower had been so lovely when it was alive!!) and I had hoped it could stay. But it didn’t. I am glad it wasn’t me who made the decision, and wish it could have stayed, but it’s gone. In its place now, with spring coming, is new life. Where there was one stalk there’s now a multitude, and I am not convinced that they would be there if it wasn’t for the removal of the first stalk. And so I am looking at the new growth and opportunities that are well on their way!

Until a few weeks ago, I thought I was going in a certain direction. New things had started and were growing. New opportunities had come up and I had said that yes, I would explore this. I would jump all in and go for it. I would see what life would look like ‘like this’. It was big, exciting, promising, full of all the things I had hoped for over so many years.

 

And then I pulled the plug.  

That was hard, painful, went against everything I had hoped for and thought that this time, I might be going. Worst of all, I am the ‘bad guy’ in all of it. Sigh. I had hoped and wanted it to go one direction and in the end went the opposite way. There’s regret and grief for what could have been and what isn’t. And there's what now is lingering in its place right now, in the space that has been carved out for what might have been.

 

When do you choose to go all in though, and what stops you? One of the hardest thing has been second guessing myself. Asking all those unaskable questions, the what ifs, or buts. If I had gone on would things have worked out as I had initially hoped??

Which way is the right way. It’s going to cost something either way. But what cost bears fruit and what cost doesn’t.

In the end what does it come down to? I had so many questions, most of which I couldn’t ask. And now I have so many questions that again will go unanswered, at least for now. 

In the end, I could have stayed, or I could have left, and there was enough incentive to do what I didn't want to do and walk away, so trusting myself, trusting God is what remains. Heartache, loss and grief, yes. Gratitude, good memories, new valued people, yes, and a learning opportunity, to grow, and give space to a new season and see what comes. 

As part of that, I hope to blog more, and differently. It's time for a new theme for this place, a new seasoning and atmosphere, so, let's see what comes.

Giving away the story

I don't have the story that I would have chosen, the types of friendships that I might possibly prefer- certainly not the depth of friendship in the places I had expected. I don't have the happily ever after that I thought might happen, and over the last year have had to lay down the things most dear to me all over again, more completely and more finitely.

Doors have been closing left, right and centre, and grief has been long and deep. Of loss, sorrow and new depths of lack and emptiness. There is the realisation that I had trusted certain things, relationships, paradigms, values that hade ultimately fallen, and that while they were all well and good, my direct reliance on them may not have been such a good thing. They were all good, but weren't meant to be in the place that I had given them. But the space creates opportunities for new life, growth. Seeds that were planted long ago have been given the space, time, season to lie fallow so that new life could be reborn and a new story, a new version of the happy ending could emerge with room to truly flourish.

But I am finding that the laying down doesn't mean there is nothing. Out of the laying down, the space, the drought and desert is emerging an oasis. Something new, new life, direction, new hope and a new story is introducing itself, and while I don't know what the storyline is, I am leaning more on the one who does, trusting Him more, and learning to walk with Him better.

I won't find what I have been looking for where I have been searching, and that irks me, especially the relationship side of it, but will find it, and more in Him, in walking each day out with Jesus in a whole new way, and it's not that the last chapter was wrong or I was on the wrong path, but it seems that a new journey is becoming apparent, and new themes are emerging. 

It's early days yet and who know what will try to return or should remain, or takes on a different role in the garden that is emerging.

Recently I was angry all over again, at the situation and sadness over losses, for no good reason other than each day is another step away from where I have wanted to be, or thought I should be, and that loss brings fresh grief. I was with some people last night, and looking around, started to wonder at what I was looking for or trying to create or find. Of community, intimacy and a group of people who know you well and your are known. I looked around this group of people and have marvelled at them, of how the group has come to be together, of the contexts in which we all first met- and for many of us it has been many years in the making in a very different context, and yet, we have been brought together into this new season, and it is immensely good. 

I don't like letting go because it feels so much like giving up, and yet in the releasing and surrender of my expectations and hopes, it gives space for Jesus to grow something new, or give new life to what has been given. It gives space for a whole new story to emerge!

Should have.....

The other day I didn't do something. I stopped, observed, and kept on going. And then started berating myself as I thought back over what was happening. I should have helped. Should have changed the course of my direction for the need at hand, should have done something, should have found something, should have put the need before my own plans and directions. Worse still, someone else stepped in and helped, contributed, went out of their way. Someone who I have more that once thought, they "should have" done ^insert action^ differently to what they did do. 

Should have

I should have...

They should have...

So destructive. So shamefilling.

We can't go back and change our actions, what we see or understand, we can only learn and go forward. We don't always understand what's going on inside us, the situation, and definitely don't always understand what's going on in other people. So, lesson learned, and no more berating of myself or others of what we should have or should be doing. Grace is amazing in situations like these! And compassion. At the same time as I was thinking through all these things, I came across the following quote 

"Compassion breaks shame" One of the greatest ways to break shame off of our lives or shaming others is to offer compassion. Havilah Cunningham.

So, a fresh infusion of compassion seems like a good thing right now, for myself and in my perspective of others. 

We all do the best we can with what we have and for me, am thankful for grace, and lessons learned and a very gracious God! Time to take the shamefilling versions of "should be, have, do" out of my vocabulary and replace it with a little more kindness and compassion.

Creation and creating

I am currently sitting in an art gallery in NYC, surrounded by familiar paintings. Not just one or two, and not copies either. Originals. Many. By artists and creators who lived some, or hundreds of years ago. Isn't it extraordinary?! There are so many that you can't help but walk on by and generally taking them in as you go, but there are others that you know, so you stop by, and still others that surprise you and stop you in your tracks. The wonder of a view, or perspective of a scene, person, moment in the life of someone or a family, whether on a grandly extravagant scale, or an intimate moment.

What causes us to create or want to create, using whatever format we choose. Whether music, art, design, write, or any medium we choose. What causes us to choose to create when there is so much already out there in the world? Some of it will, I grant you, reach a wider population, whereas others won't go beyond the person doing the creating. But what an extraordinary thing. Like each person, what we create will come from our own perspective and life experience. Some may be similar, but isn't it amazing that we have been designed to create. Our creator is the ultimate in creative, and as we are made in his image, we are invited into the creative process, in whatever means speaks best to us.

Another blog I read at the moment talks about the process of writing. She speaks that desire to write and encourages us all to stay beyond the desire to write/create into the action. No more excuses or what- ifs. Just go for it. There are always going to be people better, smarter, more articulate than us, but no one who has our own particular perspective and blend of skill or talent. We will need to work on it, and keep going, but that doesn't mean we don't start at all, because then the answer will always be no. And that is a loss to all of us, in the seen or unseen. We all lose something when we don't share what we have inside. And we all have something special and valuable to share.

Values and relationships

I read the first chapter to Don Miller's new book, Scary Close- a silly thing because, well, I only have the first chapter and really would like to read the rest. Now.

He mentions how he relates with people and how his then fiancé related to them, and wow, what a breath of fresh air. Her relationships are one she works on, invests in, fights for. They are not a negotiable to her in their importance and value, and they know it and respond accordingly. In a year where I have struggled to communicate where I am at, have had relationships change, been ranted at, but not allowed to have a conversation, I have had to ask a lot of questions about myself and of the people I am around. How does one live a life of trust and deep relationships, of connections and value for who we all are. How do we seek to understand each other's perspective? I realised recently with one friend, that I have believed what they have said, but am still looking to trust them, because their actions are different to their words. And where is the responsibility for me to trust others? What are my parameters and boundaries. And what is theirs? And what if I need to just take the leap and trust? But what if too, they are just untrustworthy? Is my desire for relationship with certain people misplaced and it's time to take a good hard look at who is actually trustworthy, or the relationships I should actually invest in? Or take a leap and trust them and see what you learn in the process. I am not good at letting go though, and those relationships that are long and deep are so important to me.

I can choose who I am, and how I will choose to treat others, and myself. They are valuable, and so am I, and none of that changes whether they have different expectations of our relationship than I. But I have a choice then too. I want to fight for them, but that takes a mutual choice to work towards a common goal and value.

I can still be me though, and live out my values as well as I can though, and remember that relationship, of whatever kind, is a choice between two or more people, and trust them with their part.

Grief, loss and intimacy

Today, or actually, in USA time, a quite few weeks ago now, was a a day of remembering pregnancy loss in all it's forms. So overnight it popped up in social medial in various ways. One lovely blog writing spoke of her experience with loss, the knife cutting pain, and the long term recovery. It got me to thinking of the losses experienced by single people (I will stick to women, well, me, cos I have no idea how men experience this).

As a single woman approaching a certain milestone, this year has been one of recognising and grieving loss, or what hasn't been. It has been a time of taking stock, and giving thanks, but also that underlying awareness of what may not be that has been so hoped for.

I look at so many amazing women, and yes, men who are single, and amazing in their own rights and wonder why they are single, and haven't had the opportunity to get married yet. When God is a God of family and relationship, intimacy, how is it that these amazing people are not married. Is it just that we are a part of a fallen world and this particular aspect has effected us? How do we navigate a world where we can do and be anything, but that a foundational longing for many if us is to be known and in relationship. How do we journey a road where often there are no answers, or the answers that are given just don't cut it. They don't come from a creator, our loving Father who has designed us from the start to be connected, to live in intimacy with each other.and if we don't fit society's standard format of being in family,being married, how do we find lasting relationship, depth and intimacy within a community?

Coming back to the day of remembering pregnancy loss, how does it work for single people who haven't got a pregnancy loss to grieve? How does one grieve any unseen losses in ones life? The events, situations, relationships hoped for that haven't had the opportunity to be nurtured and grown?

I guess we get creative!:) and find community, deep relationship, friendships with children and their families that give us the connections needed. We keep our eyes open and choose our outlook, and trust and trust and trust that we have been designed to be part of community and not isolated, and go out and find that where we can!

Hello again

It's been a while. A long, long while since I last blogged. Funny how things come and go in seasons, people come and go, and come back again, there are times for writing in certain places, or being, living, times and spaces to pick up or put down. Some, you choose and some you don't. And there are the constants. I am in Bend, Oregon right now. It's a spectacular day, it's bone chillingly freezing, and I am in a nice warm organic cafe where it didn't need to pay for my coffee. Lovely surprise! Why no blogging? My energy has been elsewhere. Managing the constants, the changes, the place I am in, and the direction I am going. Writing and communicating has taken place in other places. So will see if I get back here. I have missed it, and yes, have written blogs, etc.... Just haven't posted. So perhaps I will come back and post them, or perhaps their time has passed.

For now though I am on a Jesus adventure across the States. I am starting to miss my people, but know that even if I was in Sydney, I would still be missing some of them, even though they are geographically close. So I will sit with the missing, the discomfort that I should be there 'doing' and being useful, and will be on this adventure. Because it's a gift, Jesus loves me, and has good things for me. My new journal is filling up fast:) and there have been lots of fun things happening, and there are many fun things to come:)

The planning of this trip was fun. There was lots of research and hunting for information. Looking for musicians and speakers on tour, conferences to go to, places and churches I would like to spend time in. It has been lovely to see everything fall into place, the timing, accommodation, flights. The big details are sorted, but there are so many unknowns on the way, space to fill, and people to meet.  Lots to hear, and learn. Even so far, it's amazing to see some themes starting to emerge in different ways. But more on that another time. Portland here I come:)

I want more.

I don't often talk about what I want, whether it's where to go for coffee, where to sit, what movie to go to. Most of the time I really, really don't mind, and I know that's fine, but there comes a time when you have to choose, and stand by your choice. In making a stand though, I am finding you learn a lot about the people around you, sometimes good, and sometimes you learn something new about them, your relationship and how they see you. You also learn about yourself- what you are ok with and what you're really not, and whether or not you're willing to settle for less than what could be.

This year is involving a lot of learning, strengthening and growth. My birthday present to Jesus keeps popping up in different ways, and I am finding I am doing things I thought I would never do. Like saying no to a certain type of relationship with others offered in lieu of one I know could be, of making the effort to not just think something is important, but to say and act on it, even when it doesn't sit comfortably with me, or is a massive emotional, or physical effort. It comes to a question of 'do I wish to believe Gods word in and for my life, and for others?' Or shall I believe and therefore live a lie?

I am learning more about what it is to be loved, and loved by my heavenly Dad, and finding that it encompasses a whole lot more, of choosing to believe it, of living a life of value and worth, in personal choices, like how I spend my time, but also how I love others. There is more form and definition, and less being blown about by the whims of others. It proves challenging when there are people making choices that you heartily disagree with or don't understand, but also a realisation of what's yours and what's not. There's the pain of having to choose to say no to an immediate offer, because you know it's only a snippet of what could be and would rather have nothing than mediocrity. In that place, we can do what we can within all that is our responsibility, and pray. Hard. And often. Trusting that God knows how everything is fitting together and where we are all headed. We are loved, and called to love. And neither of those is words only, they are action, and a call for choice, of seeing the destination and walking towards that, trusting that God will do as he has promised and 'work all things for his good'


I read a blog this week that reminded me of all that has been going on. Don Miller writes that 'A good character in a good story knows what they want'. We have one story and many subplots, but wow, wouldn't it be awesome if all the elements tell a story of Gods awesome love and value for all of us, that each of our lives have a multiplication effect as we say 'you are valued', 'I am valued', and live that out in our everyday lives, cheering each other on in all that we do.

Valuing others can be hard at times, and involve hard, honest conversations, but if done well, we all come out knowing we are valued enough to be fought for, we are worth the discomfort of a hard conversation, and we have a deeper and richer relationship as a result.

Here's an excerpt from the blog:
"If we don’t know what we want, or where we are going, the story is boring. And worse, the protagonist makes terrible decisions.

If I offered you a penthouse condo in New York City worth millions and stipulated that in order to claim it you had to drive across the country, would you be tempted by the offer of a run-down shack in the midwest? The only way you’d be tempted by that is if I hadn’t offered you the condo.

When we don’t know where we are headed in life, we are vulnerable to temptation.

"A good character in a good story knows what he or she wants.""
Don Miller

As in the story, I don't want to find I have chosen the shack over the penthouse, and want to keep my destination in mind, I don't want to settle for mediocrity, but live a rich life full of depth and value. One that is full of love and of worth, in words and action.

Belonging, Part 2

So, I was going through and doing a bit of a brainstorm about this through the Bible. As mentioned, there is a lot about belonging, about being a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s pretty awesome, and nice to be reminded of how God sees each one of us. Ahh, the joys of a fallen world though, that we are all fallible, and out human relationships may not always reflect what they were designed to be. We don’t always feel wanted, or want people to be a part of our lives, and while we can’t always change that, or make something that it’s not, we can choose our own actions and responses. We can choose relationship, connectedness and restoration. It’s not like we can be best friends with everyone, but we can respectfully care for each other. And we have responsibility for our own actions, not the actions of others, no matter how much we would like that sometimes.

Anyway, we belong to something bigger than ourselves, God’s family. We have a place to share, invite, to be that no one else can fill.

1 Corinthians 12: 14-18 (MSG)

I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

John 14: 1-4 (NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 15:4-6 (NIV)

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

The woman at the well was a misfit and didn’t belong, and yet to Jesus she was wholly welcomed.

Zacheus, so much  money, but not liked by any.

The Prodigal sons- the older son and the younger sons both belong, are part of the family, invited and welcomed in. They both always have a place in their Father’s home.

Ephesians 2:4-10

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

1 Peter 2:9-10

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

John 3:16-17 (MSG)

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.

Matthew 28: 18-20 (MSG)

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”

Revelation 22:16-17 (NIV)

 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.

Belonging

Belonging is such a funny thing. Social situations, finding a place to live, family, knowing your spiritual home- we all have our place. But so often it doesn’t feel like it. I have a friend who talks about a situation and the upshot of it was that they felt that they weren’t wanted, so they left. While it may have been in the end, because of a whole lot of miscommunication, it certainly wasn’t the case in the beginning. It had such huge potential. For me, belonging is such a vital thing. And while it’s nice to belong to a collective big group or community, I find it easier to navigate knowing I have a small tight knit group of friends there. They don’t need to always physically need to be there and present, but it’s nice to know they are there, and close by if we ever need each other. Sadly often, large group situations are often the loneliest places, where you can feel like you least belong.

In Vineyard churches, we often mention the phrase, ‘you can belong before you believe’. The inference being that you can belong to the community before you believe in Jesus and have a relationship with him. I wonder if we can belong….before we believe we belong. Even in church communities there are the ‘cool’ groups, and the whole spectrum of groups of people. Its not perfect, but that’s not the point. We are all human, and as such, fallible, and perfect too in our relationship with Jesus. No church will ever meet every one of our needs, but hopefully, we will know it to be a spiritual home, and as such, will be able to find our place in it all, and be a part of helping to make it a better place for each other, and a safe place to invite others into the ‘family’ so we can better travel this journey together.

Having recently gone through a particularly lonely situation recently, I was challenged to think through the whole concept of belonging all over again, and realized what a fundamental lie it is for us to believe, for my friend, for myself, in any situation. If we don’t feel like we belong, we can leave, quit, we can shirk our responsibility, and in the end leave a hole where we should have been. Jesus died so we might have a place to belong permanently now and forever.

The Bible of course, is littered with the theme of belonging, of having a promised land, a people to belong to, a family. For us now too, Jesus specifically talks about us being one body and many parts, and of each part doing its bit(1 Corinthians 12). If we don’t feel that we belong, the whole body misses out. It’s handicapped. Something is stolen from the individual and the community.

I could list of all the stories and references, but there are so many, so I won’t, but for my own sanity, and reminder, I hope to make a list of relevant verses to remind myself and others that we are each important, chosen, we belong.

We belong

Waiting for God's word to become reality

God gives you a promise, or a word. Something for you and your future. So often throughout the bible, God promises something, to give a hope and a future, a husband, or wife, a child, a promised land, a messiah, freedom from slavery. So often, the people receiving that promise have to wait. And wait. Sometimes way beyond realities of when it could humanly and naturally happen, and sometimes too, beyond their very lives. 

I have been so challenged by this, and living this out here and now. In places that call for boundaries, healthy relationships,reasonable, and seeing results,where is the place for waiting and trusting solely in Gods promises beyond the reasonable and human reality. Even in Christian circles,we are often encouraged to take action, do what we can, and yes,there's a place for that, such a place for working with God and journeying with Him in the process. But we don't often have a theology for it, or a framework from which to base ourselves in. It's a very wide, grey area, and can be so easy to put two and two together and come up with a whole new result that can be completely different to God's place, purely because we want to know the answer, or understand Gods plan in the situation. Seriously. How do you journey with it if it's not something that will happen in your lifetime?!? 

So, we wait, we trust, we listen really hard for his voice. We pray and give thanks to him who loves us so dearly. But we stand ready and expect the breakthrough, and look forward to receiving all the promises, and seeing all that God has promised lived out in our life.

Faith and Risk

Faith is spelled R.I.S.K

We often hear that saying in the context of taking our faith in Jesus out onto the streets, of offering words of encouragement to strangers, or braver still, offering to ask for healing, or praying for them. Stepping out of our comfort zones in whatever area takes risk. Sometimes seen and public, and sometimes unseen and a stepping out from past beliefs or

‘Faith is spelled R.I.S.K.’ was quoted during the talk on Sunday night at Church, and it stood out in a different way. Having been thinking about areas where I have taken risks recently, or more to the point, should have taken a risk, it challenged me from an entirely new perspective. What happens when we have faith in who Jesus says we are over what we think we might be, and act according to that? What if we take a risk to believe something that we know is true, but doesn’t come naturally to us….and follow through the actions, albeit public, privately, acting differently in a familiar situation, or with friends….

There are areas where the risk may only have a personal impact, but if that’s what we think…that’s it’s ‘only’ us it effects then what does it matter. But. I have a sneaking suspicion that if we take those tiny risks that only we know about, they would add up to us thinking, believing and living an entirely different life story where Faith in God’s word and his love for each of us would truly come first, and is far more solid and defined.

This weekend, I don’t think I believed and lived the story I should have. I didn’t take all the risks I should have and while few people may have noticed, I certainly did. There are times in the past year where I have taken the risk when it’s been needed, and usually have found that God was on the other side too:) So, will see what comes of this weekend, and what is in the future.

God is in it all, risks can be taken, and often the results will be far from what we expect, and faith in God who is all love and never changing, who’s promises are sure and true will always be the right choice.

Love wins

Faith in Jesus is sure

It’s an adventure

Always:)

What makes a good year a good year?

As the last year drew to an end, and a new one has started, I have been thinking back across all that has happened, and is to come. Altogether the conclusion was that last year was a really, really good year! It wasn’t an easy one, nor was it perfect, or go to ‘plan’ nor expectations met by any means though. Some things were impossibly hard, and other surprising, unexpected, hurtful, and so on. You get the drift.

But.

God was in it all. And He is always good, he knew what was happening and what was going to happen, how people were going to react, and how I was going to react…. And how I could react. Good doesn’t mean perfect. Or right, or happy all the time. But there was  joy. Such good times, people and places.

I learned a lot, and challenged mindsets, and beliefs. Love won. And where fear would usually have the final say, Love took ground. It hurt, oh how it has hurt, but it has been amazing to see what might happen if I could get past the fear. And there is so much more in either direction, and I am not sure we will ever know or understand how far we can love others, or be afraid. And both impact us to the core of who we are and all we believe, about ourselves, others, and God.

Mother Theresa has said that  ‘I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.’

Paradox is an understatement! But I read that at the beginning of last year, and was completely baffled and challenged by it, and so too, challenged to test it out.

Love has become more to me this last year. It’s not just a feeling, a thought, a vibe. It has taken root, grown legs, and flown. It involves action, choice beyond ourselves and purpose, and sometime the choice to be still within the action. To choose another course.

On new year’s eve I wrote down all the things I was thankful for in 2013. For 2014, there came another selection, of all the things I am looking forward to. Looking back on both, I was struck by how many people featured there. So many great people, who I get to do life with, and then there’s my favourite people in the world.  There were lots of other things included, but mostly, there were names of people that I did life with, from housemates, friends, family, church family. A rich melting pot of pretty special people. I learned a lot, was challenged greatly to see things differently, and live differently.  Life is so often shades on a spectrum, and we are all going places. And God has plans for us all, people, learnings, growings, and understanding just how much He loves us, for us, and to love Him, and others. So, maybe a good year, life, is about love, intimacy and relationship?? It was a good year.

Not perfect, but still good. So good.

An empty basket

It's that time of year again, Christmas. Gift giving at its finest. Shopping at its craziest, and preparations in all their glory. I was hit in the face for the first time ever today by a man. Christmas shopping. Albeit by accident, and crossing the road, but it was quite a shock, nonetheless.

And this is the time for looking back, and looking forward, of gift giving for Jesus. 

This year has been one of love. Of learning to freely love, and freely give that love. For some, it has been a continual forgiving of a thousand and one different hurts that they don't realise they have done, because they are in a hugely different place to me. For others, it has been learning to love freely and lightly, passing on what has been given to me to give to them. More recently it's been a painful giving, because it has stretched me beyond my natural capacity to be where they have been. It has been putting down my 'stuff' to be with them in their space. It has been learning to love and live with housemates, friends, family, work with clients, be involved in things in the community and beyond. It has been discovering just how Good God is, and how much I have to give away.

This last year has been about my loves.

I was listening to Bill Johnson recently, and some if his talk comes to mind. He and his wife talk about giving in the most extraordinary way. It is over, way over and above lavish. But what struck me is what God has been teaching him more recently. Of when to give and when not to give. Sometimes it's fruit, and sometimes it's a branch. Better to give the fruit from the branch that will go on to bear more fruit, than to give the branch that won't bear fruit again.....

It comes to mind now. Because maybe in some cases I have been giving my everything. The branch, and it have nothing left. Perhaps it's time to rethink a few things.

Having a conversation recently, someone commented 'but everyone loves you!'. My reaction was, so?! That's lovely, and I love them back, but what does it matter if 'everyone' loves me if no One, or Ones love me. Or, this far out, there are no plans for New Year's Eve. I don't have a family of my own, so my friends, the closest group of friends around me becomes hugely important to me. They become the place of being honest, real, in the good and challenging times, and of finding a way through to a new place. Too often with friends, it's easier to walk away, or let a friendship just fade into the background. There seems to be a real art and wisdom in working out which one should invest in. Do we love all equally, or invest deeply into a few. And what if they walk away anyway, or you realise you might just be useful, because you're trying to live love differently.

For my birthday, I felt very strongly that the message for the year, was Loved. Not love and how much I love, but knowing deeply and truly, how much I am loved. I don't really have a great sense of that, in any context- more often it is like a door being opened briefly and the most heavenly smell wafting out. I want the full banquet.

So this year for His birthday present, I am giving Jesus an empty basket, that He can fill it with his love, from him directly, or through others. In his way and timing, not as I would prefer. He knows how I best see, recognise and receive love, so I will leave it up to Him. But He loves me best and I love him most, but I know there is so very much,much more.

But mostly I am giving this, because I have a hunch that the more love I give, the more I receive and am filled, to give more love away, and the giving keeps giving because we keep receiving. But if we keep receiving in abundance, the giving will multiply, so I hope, the giving will continue to grow, my capacity to love others will grow, and my natural capacity will stretch, and the joy with loving and giving will grow beyond the pain of being stretched....

I am convinced there is more. More from and for God. More for us, and more from us. It taps into the core of who we are and the places we most want to protect. And that's safe. But grey. Bland.

There's more love and that's where we each truly live fully.

Scars

I was looking at my most recent scar recently, and amazed at how distinct it still is. Doesn't hurt at all, but is distinctly there. It got me thinking about some of my other scars. I have one on my finger, from ice while adventuring out with some little people in the freezing cold, middle of Wales, and a couple on the base of my foot from a rock pool off the south of France. There is the one on my forehead from moving day in Hong Kong, and then there are the ones that I have no memory of, like the one on my wrist.

The thing with them all is, I remember the adventures, the people I was with, what was going on around me, but. I don't remember the pain or hurt at all. They all have a story to tell, and a special adventure, people and memories surrounding them, and I guess that's often the way with most scars, both seen and unseen. They can leave a mark, but not necessarily the pain if we treat them properly and make sure they heal well.

It's a nice reminder that God is good all the time, that he uses all things for good, to help us grow, that he doesn't leave us where we are at, but wants us healed and restored, even though things might leave a mark, as a reminder. Those scars and marks are what makes each of us unique, and we all have them in some way or other. It's often just a matter of recognising them and valuing them for what they are, and how they have shaped who each of us is, and is becoming. 

Infused Values

I went to a wedding last weekend. Nothing too unusual about that- have been to ALOT of weddings over the years. I don't tend to think about them too much- they are planned from the perspective of the bride and groom. It's their day, they look awesome, in love, happy, they get married, and so far as I know, none of the marriages I have ever been to have ended in divorce. Thank you God!!

It can be so easy to comment on the look and feel of the wedding, the dress, hair, flowers......lovely, all of them in their own way.

What I am about to say though, doesn't diminish how special all the other weddings have been, or the people who have been in them.

The wedding I went to has got to have been the simplest one I have been to, or among the simplest. And it was spectacular!! It was gentle, fun, and there was tears from the bride, and the groom as she walked down the aisle.

What particularly stood out to me was their heart and values, both for their marriage, and for their lives together as they live out their marriage, and relationship with each other, and with Jesus with others.

The talk was one of the first wedding talks I have been to where I took notes.... 

The heart and values of the couple is to love and serve each other in their marriage, and to love and serve those around them, so the first thing they did as a married couple was to wash each other's feet. The minister then spoke on the act and process of washing one another's feet. It's a rare thing to have ones feet washed by another, especially with purpose and intention. Like anything, it can become a ritual, and lose the heart and meaning, but when done with intention, with heart, and with purpose, it becomes a humbling act, a welcome, an invitation. It says 'I welcome you and want you in my space'.

It stood out so beautifully to me, because it reflected their heart In such an extraordinary way that I haven't seen in a while. It reflected who they are, their values. 

I don't often think about my wedding, because, well, I am not the only one involved. But this one got me thinking about it, and while I want it to look good and be lovely, mostly I want it to reflect the values that will be taken into the life being created. 

There have been a few men who have been keen to travel that route with me, and sadly I haven't returned the hopes. And maybe that's what I am holding out for. Something a little bit different.

Faith, expectation and gift giving

I bought a gift for a baby last night. It's perfect. I know one of the parents, but..... They are single. As far as I know, there isn't Someone Special, but when they do meet, date, marry and get to the point of having children, this baby's outfit will be perfect for their first bub. 

I have done this once before, but in that case the couple were married and trying for children by then, so it was pretty special to see their little one wearing said outfit. So... The outfit tonight may be a bit premature,but I am looking forward to passing it on in good time. And I am looking forward to the answered prayers and how God shows His lavish love in a whole new and awesome way.

Last weekend someone posted a photo on Instagram of a wedding they were at in New Orleans. I didn't think too much of it, until more and more people were posting pics. Turns out that the person I initially 'met' via blog, Instagram, Twitter and Facebook was getting married, and all the people I have come to know through his work were all there and celebrating the fantastic day with him. Nothing too personal about that, really. But it was a really cool surprise answer to prayer! You see, I have been reading his blog, twitter and books for a few years now, and through the helpful (or probably unhelpful benefit of social media!) I knew he had arrived at a broken engagement. From all I had come to know, I could imagine it was incredibly painful, at best. So, it was fantastic to see photos of his wedding popping up as people all around celebrated with them.

This year has very much been themed around love does. Of love in action, loving with what I have to give. That has looked different in different situations, but one of them has been the praying bit. Love involves relationship, and I have been struck often by the disconnect between the awesome people I know, who are single. It doesn't make sense to me that God has created us for relationship, and there are so many awesome people who love Jesus and yet don't necessarily have the same opportunity as a married person to have children, and pass on their love for and relationship with Jesus in quite the same way. And yes, all the cool things that marriage involves. Not saying one is better than the other, just that we are made for relationship and God seems to have a thing for relationship, family, and go the generations. And I am fairly sure all the people I am thinking of want to be married and/or parents, and would be amazing at both. Am sure this taps into a whole of other theological discussion, but that's for another time and place.

So, it has been a rewarding, though often interrupted and challenged journey of starting a list of people to pray for, whether to meet, or marry, or for those wanting children, or getting to know Jesus as their own Lord and Saviour. The list often disappears off my phone... So it can be particularly purposeful to remember, to check, and keep the list up to date, to add to the list. The best thing though this year, has been to see answers to prayer, to see people meet someone, or any step along the marriage/ children journey. It's not complete yet and the list continues to grow and change which is fun, but am enjoying seeing God at work in different ways. Hoping this will be a lifelong list that keeps growing, changing and is an awesome testimony of God's awesome goodness. Hm. Am going to a wedding today that wasn't on the cards a year ago!! Bring it on!!:)

And I am so looking forward to meeting this baby and seeing him/her wearing this awesome outfit!

Feedback for all it's worth

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.

Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness. Brene Brown

I sent in a letter of, well, complaint this week. I rarely do this, but the issue was a big pain to me, avoidable, and well, hasn’t happened before in every other time. I dread the response though. Dread them saying it might be my fault, or not hearing what I have to say. Dread their lack of empathy, awareness, or understanding of how impossible what they are expecting me to do, now is. So, while I believe I did the right thing the whole way along, I might not get what I thought I would, and on top of it, might be told it’s my fault, because of something that was completely out of my  hands, expectations, and their service.

There is the niggling sense of guilt, because even though I wrote about the issue in a positive light, I am not sure they will receive it, they may only see the negative, in me, and the situation. And really, I would prefer not to have to do it.

I don’t like brokenness, miscommunication, negativeness, whether genuine or perceived, and would do many things to avoid it, or try and fix it as soon as possible inasmuch as I can, to the point of saying sorry when I know I don’t need to, just to get out of an awful situation. And when it is among people for whom I am known, then it just baffles me that they often don't see, or try to see what I am saying, or trying to do. I don’t like saying things that could possibly be seen as negative, and will often feel terrible, or that lovely sense of guilt until I get a response.

And sometimes it doesn’t come and you’re left hanging. That’s often the worst. I like dialogue and feedback, and find silence the hardest to deal with, especially if I have said something that might possibly, vaguely, potentially have been taken as a “bad” thing. With that comes a lot of choosing, choosing and more choosing, of trust, faith, self-talk and a lot more self-talk as I wait. And wait. And learning to sit with it, to sit with the silence, and trust in the strength of the relationship, and maybe, just maybe (well, usually, really), see what is at the other end.

And with the letter. It is a pain, they didn’t deliver as promised and the alternative is impossible for me to achieve, so I will have to be ok telling them so. No matter how ick I feel.

There are so many things it circles around. Truth and relationship, value and worth, connection and dialogue…. And being ok to say, to feel, to express that… to be yourself fully and valued in all of that, not just what the other chooses.

And as a ps to my complaint, the first response I received was a survey…………….!;)

Thanksgiving!!

Two Christmas cakes, 1 large salad, two slices, 2 dinners for 3, and a thanksgiving pie.

All cooked in the space of about 5 days:)

The last few months has be layered, textured, full of people, events, emotions, conversations, text messages and emails. Too many of the conversations have been via email, or text. From a distance. And I desperately miss a good old fashioned, face to face conversation. Technology is great, don't get me wrong! Especially when there are so many other things going on, but I am so aware that conversations are different. You can't always read tone and intention, and I know for me, I can often say things that are either wildly foolish, or courageous on email, that I doubt I would say in person. I long for the next time I can sit down to a meal with the people I love doing life with. 

There is something that is amazing about sitting down around to a table. Jesus ate with so many people. It leveled the playing field, brought unity, conversation, understanding, dialogue. I have loved where I live, and having the opportunity to have people over for a meal, more than I have been able to in recent times. It doesn't happen as often as I would still like, but it's happening. It speaks to me of laying down differences, and celebrating what is, of history, relationship, the reasons for being friends in the first place. It can be for occasions, or not, and there is something about bringing yourself to the table, whether you're bringing food to share or not, and leaving the world at the front door. There are times too, for me, when it is particularly and especially important to have my favorite people together, that they make that space a priority to be together, because our time is often our most precious commodity, and when we carve out that space for each other, that's a precious thing. Can't always happen, but wow, it speaks so powerfully to me when it's possible.

 I am reading a new author now,and a lot of what she writes is set around the table, with amazing meals. Not amazing for the cooking necessarily(though, I am loving cooking some of her recipes that she's included), but the people, events, circumstances they all find themselves in at that time, and the ability to be real and honest, vulnerable about where they are at, and caught by each other's support and care. I love that. And the space they create, and often carve out against their overcrowded diaries, families, and often distance. I wonder how to take so many of the things I read about, and infuse them into life here, in such a way that they catch hold and multiply. I wonder about love, and the various ways love is given, received, shown and expressed, and the power and value of saying what we think freely, of meaning it, of being safe to say it, even if saying it comes by way of saying you're sad because something you have valued for so long hasn't been there for the longest time. As Christians too, God is our all in all, and yet we are made for relationship, and to do life together. God's love is active and powerful, and is a giving and receiving, an invitation to relationship. We have the privilege and challenge of living that with each other, of seeing who God created each of us to be, and calling out the gold each of us carries. And often it's those who know us the best who can do that best if we treasure it enough in each other.

Today, in the USA at least, it's thanksgiving. It's one of the holidays I truly love, and we don't really have it here in Australia, and well, it's a little tricky to make roast a turkey on a work day, sadly. But we should celebrate thanksgiving somehow! I am loving seeing social media (those emails, texts, instagrams,face books, and twitters!!!;)) showing the beauty of the celebration, the food, decorations, people, family as they gather together to give thanks for all God has done. 

We have much to give thanks for, from all God has given us, and in all that is in the people and circumstances around us.

Happy thanksgiving!