Between the conferences

I have been to two conferences in recent weeks, run through two very different churches and with two very different themes, and they have been awesome, full on And overwhelming in different ways, there has been so much to take in, both in theory, and in practice, in head and heart- just through different ways of teaching and learning.

It was good timing to stop a lot of things, and for the most part, staying stopped, just to have more time to spend in 'conference space' if you know what I mean, and that has been really good- much easier than expected, and while I am back on those things, and that's great, I am still kinda missing the headspace, so much so that I did do a big cull to de-clutter the space, and am hoping a few more things will change- but, am back here:)

What have I learned? What am I getting more comfortable living? It's a continuum really- of more, and deeper, which I love.

There is greater freedom in not knowing what's happening, or will come- even if I really, really want to know what THE plan is- no matter how important/not important the plan is... And that has given greater freedom to trust my heart, and not be so worried about feeling so foolish, but trust that in whatever i am feeling so foolish about, I am doing the right thing, even if it is costly, or makes no sense. Well, I am exercising the freedom, trust, muscle much more actively now... With varying results:) so, will keep on exercising that one, probably for a long time to come, methinks- but am enjoying the results of that one already;)

This actually didn't completely hit home until the day after the conferences, back at my home church. In the talks, comments, random passing comments that wouldn't mean anything to anyone else, that's where it all became consolidated... And even since then. Other talks have continued to confirm the same message, of making the most of what's in your hands to bless those around you, because you never ever know what will come of it all. There has been amazing to see and hear of incredible examples of God working through people and circumstances in the most extraordinary ways, and see the fruit, where it looked like where seemed to be nothing for so, so many years. It has been a huge blessing to see the fruit of what was, and looked so silly 'back then', and to see fruit in them now, but also, as I things are unfolding for the year ahead, to be encouraged that while I may not see it now,there will be abundant fruit in years to come, and so to live with faith, with hope, with perseverance, and to keep looking for, and expecting to see God doing amazing things, and to see continued and sustained breakthrough, in the most miraculous of ways!!:)


Hoping I will say more as I think through all that I have heard and seen, but the song that framed this time- was sung ALOT at the first conference, and then at the end of Sunday, was Oceans, by Hillsong United...

And here are the awesome lyrics!

"Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior


I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

Heart for...

I am writing a couple of ‘blurbs’ at the moment explained my heart for them…. Thinking about that saying seems like a rather random one. What’s my heart for being in crèche, or organizing events, or any of the other fun, random things I get to be involved with, whether it’s individual people who I get to be friends with, or helping with different groups? And what do I want to invest, and what have I got and been given to invest?? It has to all come from the heart though, because otherwise where does the motivation for doing any of these things come from anyway. If they come from motives other than the heart, doing something for free, giving your time or energy, I guess it’s not going to come from a place that’s as good, because it if comes ‘from the heart’, then hopefully it will be the passing on of something we have been given, something we can do, that in being shared, will grow and multiply, rather than holding onto it closely. It’s more fun to be part of something bigger than oneself, whether it is done for one person, or many, whether it will be a mutual sharing, or given with no expectation or opportunity of return.

And so I am having fun rediscovering ‘my heart’ for why I do what I do, and in the writing down, it’s bringing new clarity , inspiration and heaps more direction which is pretty helpful. And as I have been given, and recognize, receive the gifts, feel the good, solid, sure weight of the gifts, so too can pass them on, and trust that they will be ‘paid forward’:)

Those foolishnesses

Many many years ago I did something fairly out of the box for me. I remember where I was, the people there, but most of all, I felt exposed, foolish and everything I wanted to hide away so much was on the outside rather than hidden away from the view of anyone. I can still 'feel' how I felt so clearly!!

Anyway, recently the fruit of that action was mentioned in a conversation- and I am talking nearly 10 years on. I am so glad the foolishness I felt is far outweighed by the blessing that has been given!

So often I don't understand the big picture, where I should invest my time, care, energy. There's no explaining why I care, or how I care and yet it's a gift given and is what is in my hands now, and best when given away. I don't understand why I feel so sure of some things with a beyond reason clarity about an enormously positive outcome while for others I don't, but there it is! It sure changes the way I pray about those things though- no matter how naive I am feeling!


There's a quote that makes the rounds periodically about being faithful in the little things, because looking back they often turn out to be the big things... And I guess they might be right!

The mystery of whys and hows

It's a mystery to me that there are some things that you want to have happen, you do what you can, or pray what you can, and nup. Nothing. No budging, or moving, or breakthrough... or so it seems.

And then there's other things where a whole lot of random facets, elements suddenly come together in an extraordinarily smooth  way. What was it that makes something go from a thought, hope, idea, glimmer to a whole lot of conversations and events coming together in a way that means that tomorrow, a whole new journey is about to begin!

I wish I could catch 'that moment', or 'process' or whatever it is that takes it from one level to the next- there's so many things I would love to do with that!

But for now, I stand in awe that what is planned for tomorrow is happening, in the way it has happened, and in the way it seems to be coming together. It's exciting, challenging, and going to involve a whole other level of grace in the weeks ahead- and will change life in more ways than I can imagine!

Bring on more reminders of God's great goodness in ways only He can do!:)

Flavours of the week

It's an amazing thing to see God present in different people's life in different ways, of seeing events come together in the big and small in ways that only He can do, of safety, precious conversations at all hours of the days and night in all kinds of different ways.
And it's such a gift to be able to share what you have seen with another, and in turn hear their amazing story too.

There are so many good stories to tell, and hear, and I am so grateful for the times in this crazy week when that has happened. And the week has felt like quite a pressure cooker, and a big mix of extreme and intense events, flavours and textures, all of which I am grateful for. It's funny looking back to what you were anticipating to what eventuated, and see how it all looks now!

I am so grateful for the people, opportunities and events, and look forward to seeing how they all continue to unfold in ways that only God knows!

Milestones

I have been thinking about milestones a fair bit recently. The January time marked a couple of biggish ones for me- 19 years since big steps happened towards me becomming a Christian, and  moving to London, and 10 years since I moved to Hong Kong. There are lots of other milestones but those are the two stand outs in terms of life changing-ness.

 I remember particularly, coming back from HK, and marking the milestones for about a year after that, as I journeyed the process of life as it is now.

There's milestones to mark the big huge events- normally the weddings, babies and farewells, but there's the ones that mark a journey, where you have come from, and where you're going to, but also the ones that you know are turning points in life. And in terms of coming back from from HK, it was a marking of being 1 mile from that life, 2 miles, 10 miles, and so on. Those are often hard, and just have to be journeyed through. And some just don't make sense alot of the time.

I get reminded of the Israelites, and their journey, and the times they stop, worship God and build a stone monument as a milestone, and act of marking the moment, remembering the turning point, and value the similar reminders around me that point back to God and his promises, of the turning points, faith, and trusting Him for the directions and unfolding journey.

Stand up, hold fast, remember the big picture, and just keep going:)

What if..?? God Is.

I have been asking the question alot over the last months.. 'what if...'. What if something happens, or doesn't happen, or doesn't work out, or fit in, or the cat doesn't return, or... the list has gone on and on.

More recently though, every time I have asked the question 'what if..', the quiet steady echo of "God Is" has returned in its place. Wonderfully calming, steadying, grounding.

As I have had more space to think about it over the last few days, it reminded me of one of God's names, 'I AM'. It doesn't really make sense, and yet there it is God's name I AM, in its completeness and fullness, no room for anything or anyone else. It's God who IS.

And looking back to the passage  in Exodus, it was the conversation of Moses with God, with Moses asking too..'What if...'?
Who am I? Who are you? What if...?

Exodus

¹⁴ God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

¹⁵ God also said to Moses, “Say to the Israelites, ‘The Lord, the God of your fathers—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.’ This is my name forever, the name by which I am to be remembered from generation to generation.

God Is

What's not mine

I have had something growing on the back of my head for months now. Couldn't see it, work out what is was, but by the feel of it, I guessed it might be a mole, so not going to do anything about it, figured it was part of me, and going to stay.

Yesterday though, it more or less disintegrated. And, aside from a slight scab, nothing remains. I keep feeling to make sure it's really gone, because it was there for so long, and yup, its really gone.

The baffling thing is that I thought it was a part of me, and yet it was only temporary. It's gone, like so many things that I thought was a part of who I am. I keep remembering, but like a habit, atitude, or form of action, I know I can remember it, but know that I don't have to live like it's still there.

We had baptsisms today at church, a public stand for being IN Christ, and with that comes new creation, identity, new life. We can put down what was and live in what God has planned for us now.

And the other bonus is the people who are around us are on their own journey of being transformed, so it's a constant unfolding and discovery of seeing more of who God has made them to be at the same time.

'Come to me'

I love this song, and haven't listened to it for ages, but this evening had it on repeat when I could. I tend to want to sing along with it though, but it's not that kind of song. One of the hardest things to do, driving along, listening to it, is hearing the words, receiving them, taking them in and letting them wash over me. There's nothing I can do, God has done, and I can come to Him as I am.

Come To Me

Bethel Music, Featuring Jenn Johnson


I am the Lord your God,
I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know

I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go

Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything

Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh

I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Hey
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need

Some days

So there are days.

Standing in Myers surrounded by bags with my sister, both in tears for lost babies...

And trying hard to hold tight. And it's getting harder and more painful, and when the impossible is at its most, it gets more so and having tripped over already it's not an option again, because tripping was worse that persevering. So today is 'take your breath away' hard in a well that seems beyond reason, depth or escape. And once again, the harder you try to hold fast, the quicker things slip away, and the only option once again is to go back again and again to the Creater. And again and again and again.

And returning to promises and redemption, hope and God's Word, all things will work together for His Good and His Glory, and this too will pass.

And tomorrow will be a new day, in a few weeks, a friend's wedding, in month's friends baby's will arrive, and God's goodness shown all over again in His timing and grace:)

Palms facing up!

'I used to think clinched fists would help me fight better, but now I know they make me weaker'

I read an awesome book last week, which, in hindsight felt almost like 31 blog posts, reflections on different ways of living out love in a practical all out there kinda way. Challenging, thought provoking, inspiring.

One of his chapters talks about his 'official work' that fundraises for all the other work he does. Involving depositions and lots of lawyering, it can be places for rather short tempers. In those situations he makes his clients sit with their hands palm up the whole time when they are being questioned- literally. He's found that when you keep your palms up it's easier to keep calm, honest and accurate... and hard to be defensive, angry or make mistakes....it's about living a very different paradigm.

In church, we often have our palms up in worship, and it's a safe place, because we know Jesus only has good things for us (no matter what life might look like at the time), and yet I know of too many times when I haven't had my palms up literally or figuratively in life outside that context.

To live in a way believing that there was nothing we could lose if we had him, of being strong enough to be vulnerable, even when wronged, knowing that we have nothing to hide, to gain or to lose...something to aspire to, something to live for. The paradigms shift yet again, and the balance seems so 'off' to what it feels we are told life should be like, and yet, that's the way Jesus always is. Changes our paradigms, and sets a new standard.

I have so far to go yet before I think I will get there, and well, won't ever get there in my own strength, but for now, will be 'palms up' far more often and intentionally, knowing that while it shows very empty hands I have nothing to lose when I am with him.

Birthday present for Jesus

It’s that time of year, of finishing the year, and getting ready for the new one. One of the things that also happens is Christmas, and of that, lots of present buying. I’m not overly great at birthday presents, but Christmas, more or less, is great fun and I love the whole Christmas present buying fun. The whole process of buying Christmas gifts for people differs according to the person, reason for buying, what might be a blessing to them. For others you buy from the heart, not out of a practical nature-those are the most fun. As part of that too, there’s a birthday present for Jesus, and that’s pretty fun, because you can only give from the heart there, so that makes it particularly challenging. How do you give someone something who doesn’t want for anything, who can’t receive anything physical?!?

So, in the last couple of months as I have pondered what to get, one verse has kept returning to me in different ways. And as God has reframed a few things for me recently, it seems like the right thing to give.

Matthew 6: 20-21

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.  For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

When I have been thinking of this passage, 1 Corinthians 13 comes to mind again, and the place of relationships, both here and now, and into eternity.

So, am giving my treasure, my loves, and the way I love in all its good, hope, good intentions, faith, mistakes and imperfections, misguidedness and redemption. That God will  use it and hold it redeemed and untangled.

I know I am going to need lots of tangible reminders too, more than the little collection I currently have above, so bring on the year of tangible love, the more unusual the reminder, the better:)

Blank sheet of paper

There’s a blissful feeling of a blank sheet of paper, whether with lines to write on, or completely blank to do what you like. I started off with a blank sheet of paper and over the course of a couple of days, it’s now full. And the issues I have wanted to untangle are now laid out and dealt with (I believe!!).  It’s been a gift, albeit a painful one, to have been brought in a full circle and back to a place to deal with things I thought had been long since dealt with, in a whole new way, from new perspectives, understandings and in light of all I have learned since the last time I was ‘here’.

In a day where the seeming perfection of other people’s lives, as shown through facebook, instagram, and others, it can often highlight the imperfection in my own, and so many areas where things just go pear shaped.  There are days when it feels like it would be easier to write myself off, but that’s not really God’s way, is it. He takes all of us, for all of who we are, loves all of us, has a redeemed way of seeing all of us, even if we’re not quite there yet.

Some churches, communities, or families at times seem to say we are only as good as our last mistakes, saying that we need perfection, and that means getting everything right, all the time and having everything in our life together. But God wants relationship, community, grace, connection, with Him and with others. And in that, there’s space for experiments, creativity, emotion, mistakes, love, and endless possibilities.

So, while the event issues are dealt with, and the core issues better understood and recognized, it's nice to be better able to live 'here' and not then. I look forward to exercising lessons learned, putting myself into places that foster all the things I want to see, and see God in all of it in a whole new way this year.

God words and promises

I was re-listening to several talks the other day- mostly from the beginning of this year. Something that struck me though was that as I listened back over prayers prayed, and looking forward into 2012, it was amazing to look back and see answered prayers, fulfilments of God's word in different ways.

In particular, one talk focussed on receiving promises, words from God and in it, asked for each one of us listening to be people who receive words from God. I haven't often received those, and in particular, not often had people come up to me with something that they have felt is from God. So, it has been immensly encouraging to see that happen on three occasions particularly stand out occastions this year. They have been entirely random (in an amazing, non-random God way), unique, and awesomely encouraging, and so often have been a life line to me. There have been others too, and other situations, pictures, words, encouragements and they add to the collective picture God is painting.

And while I don't know how any of it will turn out, they have anchored me to Him so often, and no matter what has been going on or I haven't understood, have invited me back to Him each time in a way only He can do.

So, I am looking forward to continuing forward, to seeing specific words fulfilled, and to be able to look back and see others in their fullness. And challenged to in the words I say to people all over again- challenged to speak in and through God's love for God, and for them.

A new look

I love the place where this pic is taken, the view, outlook, I am even ok that not all my memories of that place are good- in fact, there's one that really should never have happened, so it's a redeemed place, a place where I can go and get good God perspective, pictures and a new vision for what's going on.

I love standing on high places where the wind is blowing wildly, love that you can't help but feel something. In a world where we are so often protected, protective, polite (not that it's necessarily bad), but at a safe distance, it can be rare that we can be truly honest, safe, vulnerable, and able to stay truly connected with others in ways that wants the best for all involved, in a way that is honour giving and received. I love the feel of the wind blowing wildly- like surround sound, but fuller, because it's God who stirs up the wind in that way. I feel alive, real, connected.

And on this visit got thinking about the departure from that place. There were 3 different options- jump- nope, not really ideal, turn around and walk away, or fly. How awesome would that be, to rise on the wings of a bird and take off... Actually, psalm 139 comes to mind...

7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.

And there we go, Emmanuel, God with us:)

Going away tomorrow, well today, and I am looking forward to time with God and friends, a new vision for 2013 and all God has placed in my hands, and 'on my watch'. It's not been easy to get here, and things I tried so hard to avoid happened anyway, so trusting it all, all back to God, because He knows, knew, is knowing now:) bring on fresh visions, and His courage and strength in it all to go the full distance:)

Love is...

In the interests of brevity, I have included most of 1 Corinthians 13, though only the bits that have stood out to me tonight (as opposed to other times I have read it!)

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal….

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ….

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

I was thinking of these this evening through a conversation. I generally avoid these particular conversations as much as possible, as I don’t have the words to meet the tirade of anger…against God, the church, Christians.. you name it. And when the other person who is a studied intellect who just ‘knows’, there’s no way out and no ‘come back’ using words that I can find. Definitely not by matching it.

I wonder how love never fails when it’s not met, received and reciprocated, but when it is truly love that is patient, kind, rejoices in truth, protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres….  But in that lies the mystery and the wonder of it all.  And as with people like tonight, love, in all its facets, in whatever form, won’t fail, and will remain after all else has indeed gone.

Think, speak, do.

Confucious has  a saying that I was kinda thinking of recently. His goes: I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand...

 Have been thinking of a variation of that which goes along the lines of thinking, speaking out, doing.... I've noticed recently the power of speaking out something, whether in passing, or intentionally, and the knock on effect of that. For one instance, I've realised I have been making comments... and then realising that if it was time to do something about them, so got on and done it (ahh, I should make a list!:)). They could easily be ignored, or left alone, but having dealt with them, I have felt so much better for it, and grateful for the indirect challenge and sudden responsibility to not let things go.

And for another, it has been a challenge/blessing when others have seen things happening, or different, and been gently feeding into what God is doing and keeping the challenge and the words that have been spoken out, alive and gently burning.

Isn't it funny how easy it is to stay in our own comfort zone where it's known, easy and friendly, rather than to step out into something where we don't know how it will turn out or what might happen. But, chances are we're going to be pleasently surprised!!:)

Tapestry

Tapestry's are an amazing thing. Standing back from one you see one picture, landscape, theme. Up close, there's a myriad of colours all woven together. You see where colours come together in different ways, and blend to make a new colour entirely, and where they separate into a new space.
Life is often likened to being like a tapastry, of seeing the way different elements give shape and texture, but to me, life is in the people, not the things, or events. It's in the relationships.

And within that lies a stupid amount of fear. Of being the foolish one, of placing too high a value on the place and importance of others in my life, and being let down. Of being taken for granted and for only what I can give. But then it's bringing things into the light that shows them for what they really are. Takes trust in God that goes beyond what I often feel like I have, and yet, He knows and is always trustworthy.

In thinking about tapestries this last week, I had initially been struck by some black holes, gaps of sorts. Some I have known about, while others were a revelation. Some are ones I have seen growing and want to deal with now, while some are ones that are growing because I'm afraid. Falling back into old habits of thinking is insulting, to me and to those around me, so look forward to living in what there is here, now and trusting God with all the rest, because while I have no idea what the finished tapestry looks like, He does.

And sitting in a cafe in the city, looking around and seeing some Christmas decorations- post it notes with Christmas wishes on them, among them Verses from Gods word and 'God loves you'!:)

He's far bigger than we think He is, but not too big that a single person is overlooked:)

The five love languages

I have a good friend who has been reading the 5 Love Languages recently. She hadn't really heard of them until, and was reading the book, before passing on the relevant bits to her boyfriend (who wasn't likely to read the whole book!). Anyway, in the course of a few weeks, we had some great chats about it, past experiences and what did and didn't work. Doing the questionairre with her, I started thinking about where I was at with it all. The last time I did it, I was in a very different place, different life, situation, and surrounded by very different (immediate) people.

As I thought about that, I realised that while one of the love love languages was far and away the one that most resonated with me, my views on all the others had changed. Some of that being because I have changed, and others are because circumstances and the availability of one or more of the love languages has changed.

You can do the test online, so I had another go to see how it had all changed, and changed it had. Not hugely, because quality time is still far and away the winner, but the rest were more balanced out, which reflected where I think I am at with them all.

They're all important, and all show love, in the giving and receiving. But the other four don't really mean much to me without the quality time already established, and yet when the quality time is established and maintained, the others mean a great deal. And even that looks different depending on the people I spend time with, and how often I have the opportunity to spend the time with them. But to me the best love language is knowing others well and deeply, and equally being known.