Choosing and change

I have been slowly reading the book, Keep your love on, by Danny Silk. It’s rich, challenging and I am enjoying the challenge of taking it in, and learning to live it out. It’s about saying that we are powerful people, we have been created to live in relationship, in love, with authority. We can choose how we can live and love others. I am constantly challenged by it, to learn to live with that paradigm.

“A powerful person’s choice to love will stand, no matter what the other person does or says. When a powerful person says, “I love you”, there’s nothing that can stop them. Their love is not dependent on being loved in return.” Danny Silk.

So, with power comes freedom, and both come with the challenge to use them well, and wisely. We all have it, it’s just how we see it, and how we choose to use it.

So, my birthday approaches, and the end of the year approaches, and with both comes change. I started thinking about it a few weeks ago.  Over the past few months some interesting conversations have happened, along with events, random opportunities and yup, not much sense in all of it. Last week though, it all seemed to come crashing down. Other people’s issues, decisions, or lack thereof crowding in on the decisions I have been thinking through and trying to make. From one beautiful friend, who decides some things by not deciding, and lands in a big powerless mess, to other events unfolding and the need to step up into new responsibility by default. There was a point last week, when other people’s lives, decisions and issues were more than I could cope with and I was almost to the point of giving up on some of the things that I had started to think about.

But, life goes on, and still things continue to unfold, and out of that some new perspectives are starting to glimmer, and maybe, just maybe, there is a much, much bigger plan unfolding, even though I don’t think I am strong enough, maybe God has indeed given me all I need, and maybe God really is for me too, and there is hope, a plan and a future.

And I have a choice. I can choose not to choose, thereby handing over the power and authority given to me to others, and have a choice that’s mine to make alone, made by others. Or maybe there is still room to choose, to seek God in it all, and while I don’t know, or understand so much, I can still sit at His feet, keep talking to people, keep my eyes open to His grace.

Or maybe this, all of this, the big, little, related and unrelated are part of something much, much bigger, and I can partner with God in it all and see what is in store next. I can engage with the process of this journey, seek the deep connections and relationships, even when it hurts, can engage with God as much as I can, to sit with him, love him, thank him, oh, thank him.

It is hard, painful, joyful, surprizing, stretching, but I know God is so good, he loves us so well, and I am so excited to see what’s coming. I choose God. Choose connection, choose love. It’s going to be amazing, because God is Good:)

Grace like rain...

I did this a few weeks ago on a lovely Sunday afternoon. Baffled by all the random tears, but so often reminded of the line out of the recent version of Amazing Grace that speaks of Grace like rain... There is so much:)

I will wait to see the Goodness of The Lord

How long does one wait, hope, expect....?

In some ways I want to say 'hurry up'! All those things that seem to be coming, or I would like to have happen, to see them happen NOW. And have it all rushed through... but.

I realised that I am happier to wait in God's timing , at his pace and in his presence. I am loving the waiting, the anticipation, the knowing that Good things are coming....in God's time. It's not that I don't want them to not ever happen, and yes, there's always going to be a sense of 'Hurry Up God!!!', but there is an amazing peace that comes from knowing God has everything sorted. He knows, sees, understands and is working things out. He knows things so much better than I, knows the people and circumstances, and all that's to come and I want nothing more than to see Him bring things about. Not. Me.

My life feels so rushed right now, and yes, I am talking steps once again to put down things I probably shouldn't be carrying, and maybe I would rather _expect_ to see God's goodness, because it is in the expectancy that I _see_ it, even if I'm not 'there' yet, or have the 'thing', relationship or whatever it is that I feel God has planned for me...

A favorite verse this week has included the words 'make haste' and I love the difference in tone it carries compared to 'hurry up!', and the comparative impatience it has. Make haste speaks more of travelling in God's timing and presence, and I love that. It carries peace.


There are so many things I am feeling so very grateful at the moment- so often to the point of tears in wonder at the goodness of all God has done and is doing, of the amazing things that are in this time and space. God is so Good:)


I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of The Lord in the land of the living!!
Psalm 27:13

And yes, I have had leaky eyes for the strangest things lately:)

Seeping out

Onions are great, aren't they, and at other times, not so great. I cry with them for the most part, but then one of my favorite soups required a lot of onions. They can be convenient when you want to have a good cry, because they can kickstart the process and well, get the crying out. The funny thing with crying is that they can be happy tears or sad tears. I have been crying lots lately. Mostly eyes watering more than crying, because I'm not sad. Mostly it's emotion seeping out, of being so happy, sad, content, full of overwhelming gratitude, well it has to come out somehow. But emotion, feelings can seep out in other ways too, in the things you are more enthusiastic about, or somehow find excuses to avoid. For other things, it can see out through your body, through aches and pains. You carry it in different ways. Often physical pains can be traced back to the emotions, stress, anxiety, etc.

There is an awful moment when you reach a point when you realise you can't go on. It's ridiculous, not needed and completely unnecessary. I can't believe I have got to this point and place again, but maybe and perhaps this is just a part of the process and where I am at, and my journey right now. 

There is what's ahead, and what's behind, and some things I am carrying might just possibly be in 'behind' and not what lies ahead. And perhaps, all those things ahead need space and time to grow. But that requires a paying down, of self, reputation, perceived wisdom, of backtracking. I need to make some choices and give up some things in love doing, would love to do. Some are big, and some little. Some are clear. And some just hurt. But there is the promise of good things to come, of God in the things that are right, not just good. And mostly am feeling that I am getting in the way of things, and need to find a way to make space for all that God has in store, whatever that is and there is so much going on in my head and life, I am not doing anything well.

So, it seems that it's time to let go of some things. I don't want to back out of things I have said yes to, nor do I want to let people down, so for the decisions where I have known I needed to deal with... Ned to stop putting off the inevitable, and step down, and step up with the things I know God is gently nudging, and start seeing what God has in store for them, even if they aren't my 'normal' thing...

There is grace though, and Gods strong hands. It will all come out anyway, so I might as well go with God where I know he would have me move now, rather than later. Who knows. I might just be greatly surprised and blessed to be a part of all He has in store!!:)

I am weak, weary, and afraid, but am so glad it's God who I can trust, rely on, and his words and perspective are far sounder that all I know or see.