Seeping out

Onions are great, aren't they, and at other times, not so great. I cry with them for the most part, but then one of my favorite soups required a lot of onions. They can be convenient when you want to have a good cry, because they can kickstart the process and well, get the crying out. The funny thing with crying is that they can be happy tears or sad tears. I have been crying lots lately. Mostly eyes watering more than crying, because I'm not sad. Mostly it's emotion seeping out, of being so happy, sad, content, full of overwhelming gratitude, well it has to come out somehow. But emotion, feelings can seep out in other ways too, in the things you are more enthusiastic about, or somehow find excuses to avoid. For other things, it can see out through your body, through aches and pains. You carry it in different ways. Often physical pains can be traced back to the emotions, stress, anxiety, etc.

There is an awful moment when you reach a point when you realise you can't go on. It's ridiculous, not needed and completely unnecessary. I can't believe I have got to this point and place again, but maybe and perhaps this is just a part of the process and where I am at, and my journey right now. 

There is what's ahead, and what's behind, and some things I am carrying might just possibly be in 'behind' and not what lies ahead. And perhaps, all those things ahead need space and time to grow. But that requires a paying down, of self, reputation, perceived wisdom, of backtracking. I need to make some choices and give up some things in love doing, would love to do. Some are big, and some little. Some are clear. And some just hurt. But there is the promise of good things to come, of God in the things that are right, not just good. And mostly am feeling that I am getting in the way of things, and need to find a way to make space for all that God has in store, whatever that is and there is so much going on in my head and life, I am not doing anything well.

So, it seems that it's time to let go of some things. I don't want to back out of things I have said yes to, nor do I want to let people down, so for the decisions where I have known I needed to deal with... Ned to stop putting off the inevitable, and step down, and step up with the things I know God is gently nudging, and start seeing what God has in store for them, even if they aren't my 'normal' thing...

There is grace though, and Gods strong hands. It will all come out anyway, so I might as well go with God where I know he would have me move now, rather than later. Who knows. I might just be greatly surprised and blessed to be a part of all He has in store!!:)

I am weak, weary, and afraid, but am so glad it's God who I can trust, rely on, and his words and perspective are far sounder that all I know or see.