Inciting Incidents

The inciting incident for life change is almost always heartbreak- something becomes broken beyond repair, too heavy to carry; in the words of the recovery movement, unmanageable. (Shauna Niequist Present over Perfect)

So much of my heart has broken in recent years. I am not sure when it started. Maybe it was after the first time in high school, earlier? Maybe later. In the big and the little incidents that have pulled parts of my heart away that I have held close, held dear, held too tightly. In the last four years or so, it has been broken and broken and broken in different little and bigger ways. Either self-inflicted as I have studied counselling and pulled myself apart to allow myself to be put together again, or when friends and loved ones have exercised their free will to choose, or to leave, and in some cases my heart has broken as I have been the leaver, or the one to allow things to stop, or lie broken.

In the last year I had reached a point again where I had thought life was going to change again. It was exciting, hope-filled and going in a certain direction, and yup, I was happy to head that way with my whole life. And then it didn’t. Badly, Sadly. Broken heartedly. And then you pick yourself up yet again and take a new look at what was and is and one hopes to come.

I am learning that life is one of constant laying down, of releasing and holding with open hands. It’s offering what is, not what we think it should look like or want it to look like- all those expectations that we place upon ourselves, others, and vice versa. And it might look empty and isolate, but it also creates space for picking up our best and the best in others, and to allow ourselves to live an authentic life that allows us all to be whoever we are truly created to be. It’s messy and doesn’t make the best use of our time. It may not look magazine perfect, but it’s our present and our life. Our people and our hope. I am learning to be ok with laying expectations down, hopes and dreams and being ok with what is, and giving space for what is to come. There are so many opportunities and possibilities as a result and in laying some things down which look perfectly good- just not good for me, it gives space to what is better, is a more natural fit- it gives space for the impossible!

Life is currently in the middle of impossible- a space I never, ever thought would be possible in a million years. In this way or on my own and yet it’s an impossible situation that is right in the middle of happening! It’s exciting, hopeful, looks different to what I thought life would be like, but looks real, and spacious and hope-filled. I don’t know what it will all look like or how it will turn out, or how big the changes will be. I have a sneaking suspicion that I might be limiting the ‘change’ to one area of life when actually it’s much deeper, broader and far reaching. And that’s ok with me! It’s in God’s good hands! And in the steady breaking open, it’s allowing the new in and bringing life in a whole new way. I know it will break and break and break, but that’s not where it finishes- that’s the start. It’s in the healing and repair and rebuilding that new life comes, and the seasons continue.

Giving pause to the new season

My favourite place to work in is at a café. I am sitting in a random café in the middle of the eastern suburbs somewhere, in a café which is a part of  a strip of shops in the middle of suburbia. There’s a couple of cafés, a butcher, bike shop, newsagents, dentist, you get the drift. There was a mum and her two little kids here, and they have just headed across to the butcher. It’s a slow Tuesday morning and 

I am glad to have a glimpse of life here as I pause before heading on my way. Buses here are fun… it’s all bus transport here, which isn’t something I am particularly familiar with, so often involves stopping in the middle of nowhere to change busses… or walk… which is what I have chosen today. I like that it gives a moment to pause, to look around and take in a  different view of one I am not necessarily a part of, though there are elements that I would love in my life, but that’s another story. 

Following on from that thought of all the talk and finding a place for what I have to say…. Perhaps it looks different to what I think it might look, and it will be find to find the new voice. In a space of time where a new season approaches, I want to rush in, but know that this time, it’s time to wait, to pause, to trust and trust and trust, especially when the doubt, questions about what disaster might strike, so my challenge is to look for the good, the opportunity, to be immensely glad for what is, and what has been, and what is happening now that will have an impact on what’s to come. It’s in good hands, and will always be in good hands.

So, while watching the world go by for a minute, I am glad for the space to look, observe the beauty, to dream and be immensely glad for what is. And glad for an opportunity to see things from a new lovely perspective.

Picking up the 'pen' again

So I am writing for the sake of starting to write again. As my fingers and thoughts and processes have stopped at the point of initial thoughts. My fingers have slowed to the point where work is enough, and processing to the point of documentation has been almost non-existent. It’s happened a lot over the years, and this blog has been going for a lot of years now. It starts and stops, mostly because of life and what’s happening, and while life might have direction and purpose for the most part, the blog doesn’t always have a place for it. A new place is emerging slowly and is starting to take shape. I am not entirely sure if it will be here or elsewhere- I suspect it won’t be here for the most part, but will take on an entirely different form and context- and possibly a new role to boot, just for the fun of it, because we all have time to take on something entirely new and different too…..!

Part of what starts my process is the new thoughts and ideas, but part of what stops me is the potential for judgement (Not critique), but also of finding my voice through the noise and of sharing something that adds to the conversation, rather than just…. Being yet another person ‘talking’ and not ‘listening’ is well, just noisy.

I have been thinking about what I have to contribute (while studiously ignoring the voices/persona’s who say I really can’t!), as well as considering my place, role and where I am going, and what I want to plant or invest in our community both local and global that is a positive contribution.

It’s a funny thing too, taking stock of your own resources. There’s what others might say- which may or may not be positive or true, and then there’s what you know, but also what you’re wanting to grow and develop within yourself, no matter where you are in life. New seasons come and go too, and as we journey them, there are the lessons we learn. About ourselves, others and our values and what, or where we want to invest into and grow.

Fear in action and choosing some alternatives...

Fear is a funny beast. It rears its head in unexpected and surprising ways. In some cases its in the unexpected situations, or you're in the middle of doing something or a season and something makes you stop for a moment and look around. You realise what you're standing in, or on and wow, it looks scary! In a season where some big things are going to change, I have been looking forward to the possibilities, the hope, the exciting things to come. Everything I am planning change for may happen, or it may not, but for some things, it's the biggest, riskiest changes ever, in many ways. I am trying hard to not count the days till they happen, but to savour what is, but as I realised this weekend, that's all dependant on what's to come being better than what is....

I have hopes for so many things in the season to come. Of the friendships to be strengthened, the new opportunities, the space and freedom it will hopefully bring.

I was on the phone last week with a friend, and following it was thinking about some of the places we went to in the conversation, and realised there's a bunch of things I am worried will happen there as a result of a few things that have been happening here (good things). And that's just one area of life. As I travelled through the weekend, having had that 'conversation' with myself, I started thinking about other areas where I am afraid or worried. What if the broken friendship is never going to be healed, ever, and this is it? What if all that's to come isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I end up more isolated rather than more connected? What if friendships go in different directions what what I hope for, or as I go on in life as a 'single' it will become less convenient to be included by others and vice versa, of being told 'you can't' rather than 'you can', of not being enough, The questions and fears kinda went on and on, and one fear has fed another, till I got to Sunday night and fitting in one last job before the end of the weekend. As I was doing it, the worship music went on and I realized I had a choice to fester on all the could, or might go wrong, or I could pray. I certainly didn't have the words, so am grateful for other ways of speaking to our Heavenly Dad, so that's what I did.

As I did, the picture of Peter walking on water came to mind. Picturing how that must have been, or having his eyes on Jesus, and focussed on him, the looking around and realising the enormity of his circumstances would have been pretty confronting, and yet, he was safe. Peter said to Jesus, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water'. He said 'come'. Matthew 14:28-29. So simple, that's all it took.

Later I was thinking about all the enormous things happening and to come and was reminded of the Israelites when they first looked at the promised land. They had the choice to look at what might go wrong, or at what Gods promises and plans were for them all. I have that same choice. And I can't choose now, today, this week, this month, this season. God is good, and has good plans for us, and while I am right in the thick of all that is going on, its so big, and pretty darn scary, but that's not the end of the story, and it's not really an option to turn back now, without pretty woeful results, so. Am choosing hope, choosing to believe God's goodness and even in his promises- the big and the little, will choose love, will choose that things will come good,  will choose to trust God and God in the changing circumstances.

God speaks to Joshua 1:7-9 saying, 'only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law that Moses my servant commanded you. Do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go. This Book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.

I will choose that. Though I will probably need reminding every so often, even if it doesn't look like that on the outside:)

Talk in writing:)

I spoke at my church this morning. Apparently it will be podcast and you can listen to it at www.northridge.org.au, but for now for your reading pleasure, here you go:)

How has God transformed, brought change and freedom in my life?

So, a little about me. I have lived in London, Hong Kong and Sydney, so a bit of me is in all of those places. I now work with new migrants and help them to settle into life in Australia, which is challenging, rewarding and a lot of fun. I have been at Northridge for just over 6 years, but first started listening to the podcasts while I was in Hong Kong, way before that, after meeting Kath and Phil and talking to them about planning a trip to bring a team from here to Hong Kong for a few weeks.

I have been thinking and praying a lot about what has brought change, freedom, and transformation in my life and in all the brainstorming, and thoughts, it has come down to being based around God’s word, the written and the prophetic in our lives.

If you know about the 5 love languages, there’s acts of service, physical touch, gifts, quality time and words of affirmation, I fall firmly in the quality time category. All the love languages have their place and I hugely value all of them, but quality time is where it’s all at for me. So, quality time with God and close friends is pretty vital in my life. 

One of the things I love about our Heavenly Father is that he made us for relationship. From the beginning, he commands us to Love the Lord our God with all our heart and all our soul and all our mind, with the second being love our neighbors as ourselves. Life is lived from a place of love and community, living, working, doing life together- God, others, us. Quality time with Jesus will often involve a long train trip to and from work, lots of worship music, listening to podcasts, reading books and journaling. Occasionally there’s the lovely treat of having a chat with someone else about what they, or I am learning, which I also love.

Life is meant to be lived in relationship and community. It’s unique, rarely goes to plan but is rich, diverse and our lives are all the better for learning to live together in community, wherever we are at. I find I learn so much from hearing the stories of others, and seeing how God has worked in and through them, or show’s himself to others or calls out the gold he has placed in their lives for his glory.

One of the many things I love about our faith is that it’s living and active. Hebrews 4:11 says that the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow and discerning the thought s and intentions of the heart. 

I love that God still speaks today through the miraculous, through signs, wonders, healings, and speaking to us individually and collectively. I am immensely grateful for the impact that has had on me throughout my life as a Christian. One area that has particularly impacted me has been through the prophetic, whether it’s words, pictures, actual drawn pictures, impressions, you name it. I love the encouragement they bring, the comfort when things are really tough or a confirmation of what’s to come. Whether they seem specifically personal, or more general, they remind me that I am known, loved, that I am not part of a crowd to God. Sometimes they can fall by the wayside, but there are ones that I hold on to for dear life and bring a life of their own to me. Often they point out who I am to God and remind me of how He sees me rather than how I might see me, how I am feeling, or what the circumstances are around me. Often if I want to fall into a heap, or lose my cool over something, those words encourage me to something better, of who God has made me to be, rather than my fallen humanness. 

I love receiving prophetic words, whether those words of knowledge, wisdom, pictures, you name it because whether they fit or don’t, they always, always point me back Jesus. Whether they sit well and make sense or don’t they are always (well, have been in my experience, thankfully) have been encouraging and graciously given. Even if I haven’t understood the word someone has given, I have been able to take it away and ponder it and let it sit and marinade for a while. Time and experience, digging into the Bible will bring clarity and direction, and I can always ask God about it and keep coming back to it.

I was thinking about some of the words that I have been given in recent time that have stood out and brought huge encouragement and motivated me to keep going back to God no matter what. 

Several years ago now a friend turned around to me at church and announced that she had a picture for me. It was out of the blue and wonderfully, she wrote it down for me and I have been able to go back, and go back, and go back to it. She said that she had felt God say: 

I know the plans I have for you.

I have not forgotten.

Plans to give you a hope and a future.

I then had a picture of a big oil rig, massive drill thing and it felt like it was a picture of how God wanted you to drill down into his goodness, deeply anchoring you and increasing your faith.

A reminder to not give up. And also that He was the power behind the drilling too. So you can press into Him and trust him for the rest.

Don’t be distracted by the circumstance  but hold tightly to the truth that HE IS GOOD. 

Also, she is no fool who puts her faith in a mighty king. Don’t be afraid to believe and look foolish in the worlds eyes.

This word and picture has been one that has encouraged me and reminded me of who and whose I am and who God is, and he is trustworthy, he is good, no matter what’s going on in my life and wherever I am at, I can go back to him. 

I was at a conference last year, I think, and as they shared prophetic words, they encouraged us that if they heard a word and it fit us and our circumstances, we could receive it for ourselves, so if this fit for you, feel free to receive it too as an encouragement from your heavenly Father.

Two other situations where the prophetic has had a significant impact on me include a couple of experiences. Just over a year ago, I went to America and had the privilege to have some prophetic prayer ministry at Bethel Church and the International House of Prayer. The words were recorded, so we could go back and listen to them as many times as we like, so they are on my trusty phone. These were from people who had no idea who I was or where I had come from and while they were immensely encouraging at the time, also were a bit strange, and I wasn’t quite sure how they sat with me. Listening to them in the months later, I have a much better understanding of what God was saying and am so encouraged by God’s perspective being so much beyond my own.

More recently, some big personal changes happened in my life which were surprising and unexpected. They were really hard but in God’s wonderful way, he started speaking. First a friend sent an email, then another had a word, someone sent a text out of the blue and another called me. In and of themselves, each were lovely and encouraging words and pictures, but together, wow, God is amazing! The themes were similar, the timing was extraordinary, and together they were such an immense blessing. They kept me going where I wanted to give up and reminded me that God sees me and has made me a certain way for a reason and I can trust him in me.

They encourage me to not lose my cool as much as I would like to when things don’t go as I thought they were going, or should be going, or I would like them to be going….

Equally too, I love it when God gives me a word or a picture for someone else. I would love to get more because I know what an immense encouragement they have been for me, and I would love to be a part of God blessing others in that way. I am so grateful that individually and as a church we are exploring that more. It’s such a treat to me to get a word or picture for others, because I receive the gift of learning something new and special about that person that I might not normally have known, and I am reminded of how God sees them. I probably didn’t know that before, but what if we looked around at each other and saw each other how God sees and loves us all. How would that change how we thought, felt acted, responded to people and situations? I have been caught out more than once and so love seeing a glimpse of what God has made us all to be.

1 Corinthians 14:3 says that it is for strengthening, encouragement and comfort, and we can go back to God’s word and weight it up accordingly. It’s meant to be done in love and from a place of love.

So for me, I will keep digging deep into God’s goodness, for myself and for others, and will keep learning about how God speaks to us today. I look forward to seeing my understanding continuing to grow and seeing how a word or impression can bless others.  It’s a learning, humbling processes but so rewarding to see others blessed and see the life changing impact it can have to see God working in and through us. 2 Corinthians 4 that we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us, that we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

There’s so much than we see or understand and we are part of a much bigger story that’s of God’s love and compassion for his people. I don’t understand as much about God, myself and others as I would like to, but that’s ok- it keeps me learning, humble and curious and keen to know more of all that God has in store for us.

Telling our Stories

 

I am writing a talk for church at the moment which has got me thinking about pretty much everything in and around the topic related to it. There’s a lot of brainstorming and praying, a bit of attempted chatting to anyone close by who might be open to listening and helpful feedback. I need a couple of weeks just to sit and dream, write and document all the things that are to come this year, or might be able to come. So many possibilities and opportunities. Last year was a real year in practically processing what do I want and where am I going in my life, in a way that I have never had to before. It was hard, heartbreaking in new breaking ways that cracked and broke me in ways that had never been broken before, but also it seems I have been put back together in a whole new way that I never would have imagined. It’s just the beginning, but there’s lots of hope and I have a whole lot of new faith and trust in how God has made me, God and those around me to see life with a fresh perspective. I am immeasurably grateful. 

 

So. While I continue to have endless questions, not enough time, headspace, few answers, or well, other opportunities that I am thoroughly enjoying doing, this year has started with some of my favourites and I am hopeful, and open handed with how God will shape the year. It’s going be fun.

As I have been brainstorming for the talk, something we have been asked specifically to share is stories. But stories of ourselves, well, for me anyway, always involve others and aren’t lived in isolation. There’s usually someone else involved. In my work confidentiality is a big thing. We are asked to protect identities and ensure that the people we are caring for are indeed cared for and respected in their journey wherever they are at. Previous study set the tone as well, so I am quite careful where I use my training, inside and outside of work. My story then, seems to disappear into how it bumps up against the lives and stories of others, so mine becomes more about theirs, when push comes to shove. So, I am having fun discovering stories that I can share that would be helpful both here and as I share in the talk I am giving. Learning what that might look like is a new thing, and funny to see how some things are helping with that process. For example, at our home group, it is now the norm to have an icebreaker- a fun question that everyone needs to answer. I can usually find something to share, but it’s not till about halfway through the night when I remember a truly good answer. The most recent was ‘what was your most awkward moment?’ I came up with one, but it wasn’t till halfway through the evening when I remembered one of my most awkward moments, almost of my life had happened earlier last year. Talk about blocking it out! Fortunately God stories don’t really have the same parameters in many ways (some ways, but not all!), and God is gentle and gracious in how he cares for us and lives our stories in and through us.

 

So I know what I am going to talk about, and am slowing digging up some moments from life that will hopefully be helpful to all who hear. And will see what this year starts to look like in all it’s people, stories and goodness.

 

Being ok with not being ok with it.

I am in the mood for some good news stories right now. They aren’t too hard to find for the most part, but it would be so nice to hit some real goals sometimes. I know there is the general happy, all is well and generally swimming along nicely kinda thing, but  I am in the mood for seeing some dreams come through, answers to prayer, happily ever after’s, perfect job opportunities, businesses flourishing, answers to questions, to prayers, the over and above lavishness of a Heavenly Dad who loves us all so!

I am quietly trying to get through a quiet implosion right now. Trying to avoid the explosion and drama, the extra mess on top of the current mess that only I can then clean up. It’s a slow deep breathing process, full of long hard looks at all the good things going on, the decisions I can make, to make things better, for now, and the future, a good outcome for all, for a finishing well of chapters.

Trying to come to terms with the understanding that while others might be ok with a certain situation- I . AM. NOT. And… that’s ok! There is generally the sense that ‘they ‘ are fine with something and feel it’s ok and therefore I should to, when in actual fact, I’m not. I can put up with stuff for a while, but in the end, I have a choice to make and so do they. I suppose this comes up in all kinds of situations- living arrangements, relationships, communities, work, you name it. Often I get the impression that we are supposed to put up with something just because we have already, and should go on, or because it doesn’t bother others in the way it does to me. Something I am learning slowly is that in all areas of life, I have to answer for what happens with it, for the energy expended, and how I get through it in a way that’s not with a negative outcome. I often get reminded that while Jesus got mad, he didn’t sin. And that looks different in different situations. What it might look like to one person may look completely different to others, but I can only account for myself, the choices I make and do the right thing by everyone inasmuch as I can.

I appreciate that we are all different. There’s moments (yes, lots!!) when I wish we saw the same way, did things the same way,  valued things (and people) the same way, but in the end we don’t. We are all created unique, and in the image of our creator.  In His infinite wisdom he chose us to be unique and to live in community.  It’s not perfect by any means, but we are all the richer for it. And our living in community will change with the seasons and times. We are always growing and changing in some way. Something I am finding I am having to learn is to be ok with myself not being ok with a situation. Often I feel that we should be able to make the best of each situation, or work through something to the desired outcome, but that’s not always the way it will be. Being just one of the people in a relationship, or community, there’s only so much sway each of us carry. It’s not a failure or defeat to acknowledge it’s time to walk away from something, no matter how much we would like it to be something else so we can stay.

We can always only do what we can and sometimes that means doing something different with our time and energy, with ourselves. I don’t think I like the bits of myself that don’t stay till the positive outcome, result or happily every after. Walking away feels negative. But maybe it’s positive too, even though, in the moment, it doesn’t feel like it. That while I value things like faithfulness, perseverance, love, in the end not everyone gets equal access to our lives, and others make their own choices too that I, in turn have to live with, even as they live with mine.

Sometimes in the stepping out, we discover more of God in us, and through us with those around us, in a whole new and delightful way…

And yes, those good news stories. Bring them on in all their messy gloriousness!

I pulled the plug

Spring is nearly here and I have spent some more time in my garden recently. We had a gardener come in at the beginning of winter and some work, and as part  of it he cut off a long stalk of one of my favourite plants. I guess I knew it had to go, but it was so pretty(read: the flower had been so lovely when it was alive!!) and I had hoped it could stay. But it didn’t. I am glad it wasn’t me who made the decision, and wish it could have stayed, but it’s gone. In its place now, with spring coming, is new life. Where there was one stalk there’s now a multitude, and I am not convinced that they would be there if it wasn’t for the removal of the first stalk. And so I am looking at the new growth and opportunities that are well on their way!

Until a few weeks ago, I thought I was going in a certain direction. New things had started and were growing. New opportunities had come up and I had said that yes, I would explore this. I would jump all in and go for it. I would see what life would look like ‘like this’. It was big, exciting, promising, full of all the things I had hoped for over so many years.

 

And then I pulled the plug.  

That was hard, painful, went against everything I had hoped for and thought that this time, I might be going. Worst of all, I am the ‘bad guy’ in all of it. Sigh. I had hoped and wanted it to go one direction and in the end went the opposite way. There’s regret and grief for what could have been and what isn’t. And there's what now is lingering in its place right now, in the space that has been carved out for what might have been.

 

When do you choose to go all in though, and what stops you? One of the hardest thing has been second guessing myself. Asking all those unaskable questions, the what ifs, or buts. If I had gone on would things have worked out as I had initially hoped??

Which way is the right way. It’s going to cost something either way. But what cost bears fruit and what cost doesn’t.

In the end what does it come down to? I had so many questions, most of which I couldn’t ask. And now I have so many questions that again will go unanswered, at least for now. 

In the end, I could have stayed, or I could have left, and there was enough incentive to do what I didn't want to do and walk away, so trusting myself, trusting God is what remains. Heartache, loss and grief, yes. Gratitude, good memories, new valued people, yes, and a learning opportunity, to grow, and give space to a new season and see what comes. 

As part of that, I hope to blog more, and differently. It's time for a new theme for this place, a new seasoning and atmosphere, so, let's see what comes.

Giving away the story

I don't have the story that I would have chosen, the types of friendships that I might possibly prefer- certainly not the depth of friendship in the places I had expected. I don't have the happily ever after that I thought might happen, and over the last year have had to lay down the things most dear to me all over again, more completely and more finitely.

Doors have been closing left, right and centre, and grief has been long and deep. Of loss, sorrow and new depths of lack and emptiness. There is the realisation that I had trusted certain things, relationships, paradigms, values that hade ultimately fallen, and that while they were all well and good, my direct reliance on them may not have been such a good thing. They were all good, but weren't meant to be in the place that I had given them. But the space creates opportunities for new life, growth. Seeds that were planted long ago have been given the space, time, season to lie fallow so that new life could be reborn and a new story, a new version of the happy ending could emerge with room to truly flourish.

But I am finding that the laying down doesn't mean there is nothing. Out of the laying down, the space, the drought and desert is emerging an oasis. Something new, new life, direction, new hope and a new story is introducing itself, and while I don't know what the storyline is, I am leaning more on the one who does, trusting Him more, and learning to walk with Him better.

I won't find what I have been looking for where I have been searching, and that irks me, especially the relationship side of it, but will find it, and more in Him, in walking each day out with Jesus in a whole new way, and it's not that the last chapter was wrong or I was on the wrong path, but it seems that a new journey is becoming apparent, and new themes are emerging. 

It's early days yet and who know what will try to return or should remain, or takes on a different role in the garden that is emerging.

Recently I was angry all over again, at the situation and sadness over losses, for no good reason other than each day is another step away from where I have wanted to be, or thought I should be, and that loss brings fresh grief. I was with some people last night, and looking around, started to wonder at what I was looking for or trying to create or find. Of community, intimacy and a group of people who know you well and your are known. I looked around this group of people and have marvelled at them, of how the group has come to be together, of the contexts in which we all first met- and for many of us it has been many years in the making in a very different context, and yet, we have been brought together into this new season, and it is immensely good. 

I don't like letting go because it feels so much like giving up, and yet in the releasing and surrender of my expectations and hopes, it gives space for Jesus to grow something new, or give new life to what has been given. It gives space for a whole new story to emerge!

Should have.....

The other day I didn't do something. I stopped, observed, and kept on going. And then started berating myself as I thought back over what was happening. I should have helped. Should have changed the course of my direction for the need at hand, should have done something, should have found something, should have put the need before my own plans and directions. Worse still, someone else stepped in and helped, contributed, went out of their way. Someone who I have more that once thought, they "should have" done ^insert action^ differently to what they did do. 

Should have

I should have...

They should have...

So destructive. So shamefilling.

We can't go back and change our actions, what we see or understand, we can only learn and go forward. We don't always understand what's going on inside us, the situation, and definitely don't always understand what's going on in other people. So, lesson learned, and no more berating of myself or others of what we should have or should be doing. Grace is amazing in situations like these! And compassion. At the same time as I was thinking through all these things, I came across the following quote 

"Compassion breaks shame" One of the greatest ways to break shame off of our lives or shaming others is to offer compassion. Havilah Cunningham.

So, a fresh infusion of compassion seems like a good thing right now, for myself and in my perspective of others. 

We all do the best we can with what we have and for me, am thankful for grace, and lessons learned and a very gracious God! Time to take the shamefilling versions of "should be, have, do" out of my vocabulary and replace it with a little more kindness and compassion.

Creation and creating

I am currently sitting in an art gallery in NYC, surrounded by familiar paintings. Not just one or two, and not copies either. Originals. Many. By artists and creators who lived some, or hundreds of years ago. Isn't it extraordinary?! There are so many that you can't help but walk on by and generally taking them in as you go, but there are others that you know, so you stop by, and still others that surprise you and stop you in your tracks. The wonder of a view, or perspective of a scene, person, moment in the life of someone or a family, whether on a grandly extravagant scale, or an intimate moment.

What causes us to create or want to create, using whatever format we choose. Whether music, art, design, write, or any medium we choose. What causes us to choose to create when there is so much already out there in the world? Some of it will, I grant you, reach a wider population, whereas others won't go beyond the person doing the creating. But what an extraordinary thing. Like each person, what we create will come from our own perspective and life experience. Some may be similar, but isn't it amazing that we have been designed to create. Our creator is the ultimate in creative, and as we are made in his image, we are invited into the creative process, in whatever means speaks best to us.

Another blog I read at the moment talks about the process of writing. She speaks that desire to write and encourages us all to stay beyond the desire to write/create into the action. No more excuses or what- ifs. Just go for it. There are always going to be people better, smarter, more articulate than us, but no one who has our own particular perspective and blend of skill or talent. We will need to work on it, and keep going, but that doesn't mean we don't start at all, because then the answer will always be no. And that is a loss to all of us, in the seen or unseen. We all lose something when we don't share what we have inside. And we all have something special and valuable to share.

Values and relationships

I read the first chapter to Don Miller's new book, Scary Close- a silly thing because, well, I only have the first chapter and really would like to read the rest. Now.

He mentions how he relates with people and how his then fiancé related to them, and wow, what a breath of fresh air. Her relationships are one she works on, invests in, fights for. They are not a negotiable to her in their importance and value, and they know it and respond accordingly. In a year where I have struggled to communicate where I am at, have had relationships change, been ranted at, but not allowed to have a conversation, I have had to ask a lot of questions about myself and of the people I am around. How does one live a life of trust and deep relationships, of connections and value for who we all are. How do we seek to understand each other's perspective? I realised recently with one friend, that I have believed what they have said, but am still looking to trust them, because their actions are different to their words. And where is the responsibility for me to trust others? What are my parameters and boundaries. And what is theirs? And what if I need to just take the leap and trust? But what if too, they are just untrustworthy? Is my desire for relationship with certain people misplaced and it's time to take a good hard look at who is actually trustworthy, or the relationships I should actually invest in? Or take a leap and trust them and see what you learn in the process. I am not good at letting go though, and those relationships that are long and deep are so important to me.

I can choose who I am, and how I will choose to treat others, and myself. They are valuable, and so am I, and none of that changes whether they have different expectations of our relationship than I. But I have a choice then too. I want to fight for them, but that takes a mutual choice to work towards a common goal and value.

I can still be me though, and live out my values as well as I can though, and remember that relationship, of whatever kind, is a choice between two or more people, and trust them with their part.

Grief, loss and intimacy

Today, or actually, in USA time, a quite few weeks ago now, was a a day of remembering pregnancy loss in all it's forms. So overnight it popped up in social medial in various ways. One lovely blog writing spoke of her experience with loss, the knife cutting pain, and the long term recovery. It got me to thinking of the losses experienced by single people (I will stick to women, well, me, cos I have no idea how men experience this).

As a single woman approaching a certain milestone, this year has been one of recognising and grieving loss, or what hasn't been. It has been a time of taking stock, and giving thanks, but also that underlying awareness of what may not be that has been so hoped for.

I look at so many amazing women, and yes, men who are single, and amazing in their own rights and wonder why they are single, and haven't had the opportunity to get married yet. When God is a God of family and relationship, intimacy, how is it that these amazing people are not married. Is it just that we are a part of a fallen world and this particular aspect has effected us? How do we navigate a world where we can do and be anything, but that a foundational longing for many if us is to be known and in relationship. How do we journey a road where often there are no answers, or the answers that are given just don't cut it. They don't come from a creator, our loving Father who has designed us from the start to be connected, to live in intimacy with each other.and if we don't fit society's standard format of being in family,being married, how do we find lasting relationship, depth and intimacy within a community?

Coming back to the day of remembering pregnancy loss, how does it work for single people who haven't got a pregnancy loss to grieve? How does one grieve any unseen losses in ones life? The events, situations, relationships hoped for that haven't had the opportunity to be nurtured and grown?

I guess we get creative!:) and find community, deep relationship, friendships with children and their families that give us the connections needed. We keep our eyes open and choose our outlook, and trust and trust and trust that we have been designed to be part of community and not isolated, and go out and find that where we can!

Hello again

It's been a while. A long, long while since I last blogged. Funny how things come and go in seasons, people come and go, and come back again, there are times for writing in certain places, or being, living, times and spaces to pick up or put down. Some, you choose and some you don't. And there are the constants. I am in Bend, Oregon right now. It's a spectacular day, it's bone chillingly freezing, and I am in a nice warm organic cafe where it didn't need to pay for my coffee. Lovely surprise! Why no blogging? My energy has been elsewhere. Managing the constants, the changes, the place I am in, and the direction I am going. Writing and communicating has taken place in other places. So will see if I get back here. I have missed it, and yes, have written blogs, etc.... Just haven't posted. So perhaps I will come back and post them, or perhaps their time has passed.

For now though I am on a Jesus adventure across the States. I am starting to miss my people, but know that even if I was in Sydney, I would still be missing some of them, even though they are geographically close. So I will sit with the missing, the discomfort that I should be there 'doing' and being useful, and will be on this adventure. Because it's a gift, Jesus loves me, and has good things for me. My new journal is filling up fast:) and there have been lots of fun things happening, and there are many fun things to come:)

The planning of this trip was fun. There was lots of research and hunting for information. Looking for musicians and speakers on tour, conferences to go to, places and churches I would like to spend time in. It has been lovely to see everything fall into place, the timing, accommodation, flights. The big details are sorted, but there are so many unknowns on the way, space to fill, and people to meet.  Lots to hear, and learn. Even so far, it's amazing to see some themes starting to emerge in different ways. But more on that another time. Portland here I come:)

I want more.

I don't often talk about what I want, whether it's where to go for coffee, where to sit, what movie to go to. Most of the time I really, really don't mind, and I know that's fine, but there comes a time when you have to choose, and stand by your choice. In making a stand though, I am finding you learn a lot about the people around you, sometimes good, and sometimes you learn something new about them, your relationship and how they see you. You also learn about yourself- what you are ok with and what you're really not, and whether or not you're willing to settle for less than what could be.

This year is involving a lot of learning, strengthening and growth. My birthday present to Jesus keeps popping up in different ways, and I am finding I am doing things I thought I would never do. Like saying no to a certain type of relationship with others offered in lieu of one I know could be, of making the effort to not just think something is important, but to say and act on it, even when it doesn't sit comfortably with me, or is a massive emotional, or physical effort. It comes to a question of 'do I wish to believe Gods word in and for my life, and for others?' Or shall I believe and therefore live a lie?

I am learning more about what it is to be loved, and loved by my heavenly Dad, and finding that it encompasses a whole lot more, of choosing to believe it, of living a life of value and worth, in personal choices, like how I spend my time, but also how I love others. There is more form and definition, and less being blown about by the whims of others. It proves challenging when there are people making choices that you heartily disagree with or don't understand, but also a realisation of what's yours and what's not. There's the pain of having to choose to say no to an immediate offer, because you know it's only a snippet of what could be and would rather have nothing than mediocrity. In that place, we can do what we can within all that is our responsibility, and pray. Hard. And often. Trusting that God knows how everything is fitting together and where we are all headed. We are loved, and called to love. And neither of those is words only, they are action, and a call for choice, of seeing the destination and walking towards that, trusting that God will do as he has promised and 'work all things for his good'


I read a blog this week that reminded me of all that has been going on. Don Miller writes that 'A good character in a good story knows what they want'. We have one story and many subplots, but wow, wouldn't it be awesome if all the elements tell a story of Gods awesome love and value for all of us, that each of our lives have a multiplication effect as we say 'you are valued', 'I am valued', and live that out in our everyday lives, cheering each other on in all that we do.

Valuing others can be hard at times, and involve hard, honest conversations, but if done well, we all come out knowing we are valued enough to be fought for, we are worth the discomfort of a hard conversation, and we have a deeper and richer relationship as a result.

Here's an excerpt from the blog:
"If we don’t know what we want, or where we are going, the story is boring. And worse, the protagonist makes terrible decisions.

If I offered you a penthouse condo in New York City worth millions and stipulated that in order to claim it you had to drive across the country, would you be tempted by the offer of a run-down shack in the midwest? The only way you’d be tempted by that is if I hadn’t offered you the condo.

When we don’t know where we are headed in life, we are vulnerable to temptation.

"A good character in a good story knows what he or she wants.""
Don Miller

As in the story, I don't want to find I have chosen the shack over the penthouse, and want to keep my destination in mind, I don't want to settle for mediocrity, but live a rich life full of depth and value. One that is full of love and of worth, in words and action.

Belonging, Part 2

So, I was going through and doing a bit of a brainstorm about this through the Bible. As mentioned, there is a lot about belonging, about being a part of something bigger than ourselves. It’s pretty awesome, and nice to be reminded of how God sees each one of us. Ahh, the joys of a fallen world though, that we are all fallible, and out human relationships may not always reflect what they were designed to be. We don’t always feel wanted, or want people to be a part of our lives, and while we can’t always change that, or make something that it’s not, we can choose our own actions and responses. We can choose relationship, connectedness and restoration. It’s not like we can be best friends with everyone, but we can respectfully care for each other. And we have responsibility for our own actions, not the actions of others, no matter how much we would like that sometimes.

Anyway, we belong to something bigger than ourselves, God’s family. We have a place to share, invite, to be that no one else can fill.

1 Corinthians 12: 14-18 (MSG)

I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn’t just a single part blown up into something huge. It’s all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, “I’m not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don’t belong to this body,” would that make it so? If Ear said, “I’m not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don’t deserve a place on the head,” would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

John 14: 1-4 (NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.”

John 15:4-6 (NIV)

Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.  If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.

The woman at the well was a misfit and didn’t belong, and yet to Jesus she was wholly welcomed.

Zacheus, so much  money, but not liked by any.

The Prodigal sons- the older son and the younger sons both belong, are part of the family, invited and welcomed in. They both always have a place in their Father’s home.

Ephesians 2:4-10

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy,  made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.  And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus,  in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

1 Peter 2:9-10

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.  Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

John 3:16-17 (MSG)

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his Son merely to point an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came to help, to put the world right again.

Matthew 28: 18-20 (MSG)

Jesus, undeterred, went right ahead and gave his charge: “God authorized and commanded me to commission you: Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I’ll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age.”

Revelation 22:16-17 (NIV)

 “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star.”

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.