It's that time of year again, Christmas. Gift giving at its finest. Shopping at its craziest, and preparations in all their glory. I was hit in the face for the first time ever today by a man. Christmas shopping. Albeit by accident, and crossing the road, but it was quite a shock, nonetheless.
And this is the time for looking back, and looking forward, of gift giving for Jesus.
This year has been one of love. Of learning to freely love, and freely give that love. For some, it has been a continual forgiving of a thousand and one different hurts that they don't realise they have done, because they are in a hugely different place to me. For others, it has been learning to love freely and lightly, passing on what has been given to me to give to them. More recently it's been a painful giving, because it has stretched me beyond my natural capacity to be where they have been. It has been putting down my 'stuff' to be with them in their space. It has been learning to love and live with housemates, friends, family, work with clients, be involved in things in the community and beyond. It has been discovering just how Good God is, and how much I have to give away.
This last year has been about my loves.
I was listening to Bill Johnson recently, and some if his talk comes to mind. He and his wife talk about giving in the most extraordinary way. It is over, way over and above lavish. But what struck me is what God has been teaching him more recently. Of when to give and when not to give. Sometimes it's fruit, and sometimes it's a branch. Better to give the fruit from the branch that will go on to bear more fruit, than to give the branch that won't bear fruit again.....
It comes to mind now. Because maybe in some cases I have been giving my everything. The branch, and it have nothing left. Perhaps it's time to rethink a few things.
Having a conversation recently, someone commented 'but everyone loves you!'. My reaction was, so?! That's lovely, and I love them back, but what does it matter if 'everyone' loves me if no One, or Ones love me. Or, this far out, there are no plans for New Year's Eve. I don't have a family of my own, so my friends, the closest group of friends around me becomes hugely important to me. They become the place of being honest, real, in the good and challenging times, and of finding a way through to a new place. Too often with friends, it's easier to walk away, or let a friendship just fade into the background. There seems to be a real art and wisdom in working out which one should invest in. Do we love all equally, or invest deeply into a few. And what if they walk away anyway, or you realise you might just be useful, because you're trying to live love differently.
For my birthday, I felt very strongly that the message for the year, was Loved. Not love and how much I love, but knowing deeply and truly, how much I am loved. I don't really have a great sense of that, in any context- more often it is like a door being opened briefly and the most heavenly smell wafting out. I want the full banquet.
So this year for His birthday present, I am giving Jesus an empty basket, that He can fill it with his love, from him directly, or through others. In his way and timing, not as I would prefer. He knows how I best see, recognise and receive love, so I will leave it up to Him. But He loves me best and I love him most, but I know there is so very much,much more.
But mostly I am giving this, because I have a hunch that the more love I give, the more I receive and am filled, to give more love away, and the giving keeps giving because we keep receiving. But if we keep receiving in abundance, the giving will multiply, so I hope, the giving will continue to grow, my capacity to love others will grow, and my natural capacity will stretch, and the joy with loving and giving will grow beyond the pain of being stretched....
I am convinced there is more. More from and for God. More for us, and more from us. It taps into the core of who we are and the places we most want to protect. And that's safe. But grey. Bland.
There's more love and that's where we each truly live fully.
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