Baking

Coming home from work yesterday, I realised, it hasn't been the easiest few months. The challenges of adjusting to a new job, people, mindsets, a Christian organisation, but no Christians aside from myself as far as I can see and of trying to maintain life outside of work. The joy of waiting for answers to questions, non-answers, and straight out no's has been a challenge.

It has been gorgeous to have a complete rest day today, a day with lots of talks, worship, dogs for company, and lots of baking. I was looking at some of the things I cooked today, and realised that they turned out well. Having had space, time, no need to rush, the things I have cooked have come out of a place of rest. I remember the last time I cooked for someone, I was stressed, because the food is often critiqued, which for me, writes of the the whole meal, even though it's not intended, and because I know it will be critiqued, I know I more stressed, have less time, and well, it just doesn't work as well. And it makes me sad, as know the critique-ing is well intentioned, it just doesn't inspire me to cook, let alone cook better.

It really makes me question what else needs to come out of that place of rest and how I can get more of that rest in my life!:)

Friendship divorce

I read this article this week, and yup, it sums it up for me. Having been on the receiving, and yes, the giving end of this, and even the 'the harder I try not to muck it up, the more I seem to get it wrong' but there we are. As someone who values friends highly, especially when my life looks different to most other people's, it's hard when they fade away in different cases. There's a grief to that and a loss that's not like other losses. On the other hand, life happens, we go through phases, and sometimes it's really not personal, and you can come out the other side.

As as someone who has different phases in lifeand chapters, I guess I can't hold onto each chapter and all they hold. Some are for a life time, but others just can't be held onto as it would be ideal... So, as I step into another new chapter of life for some elements of this year, I look forward to seeing all it holds, the new friendships, the current friendships. And with the ones I can't seem to hold on to, there is grace, forgiveness, and surprise catch-ups:)

Home

I am sitting in the London kitchen, the two youngest kids (3 days off 18, and 20!) upstairs or watching TV. Sausages in the oven, Rachel due for lunch. Quiet, peace. The other life. So normal and so foreign.

I have been back int he UK since Wednesday and love being here, and yet the pull to be in Sydney is still strong. And yet this is home too.

Time for lunch:) This family which has been my family for 18 years and 3 days. Home.

There is nothing more delicious...

Read this today... had to share:) there is nothing more delicious ...

by mici magazine … than warm fresh just out-of-the-oven cookies, the feel and smell of fresh sheets on your newly made bed, a lingering kiss from your one true love, the perfect silence in the midst of a storm, the hope inspired by a morning cup of your favourite brew, the lure of a warm open fire, romance in the winter time, being snuggled up with a good book on your weekend off, sleeping the day away, the morning dew dripping from thawing trees, stars shining brightly in a moonlit sky, the laughter from a friend walking through life’s pains, the answer to prayer only God can bring, your favourite song up loud and on repeat, the soaking rays from the sun on a summer’s day, the beautiful coolness of the ocean on sun-drenched skin, a heart after you, a good ole’ cry to a feel-good girlie movie, rain on the window, the rainbow that salutes the passing of the storm, the thought that dreams can come true, the smell of summer in the air, freshly mowed grass, slipping off high heels at the end of a long day, candles flickering by the bath as you soak the day away, a hot shower on your first sunburn of the season, hindsight, the view over the ocean from an upstairs window, a good workout, fitting into your favourite dress, that first untouched page of your brand new journal and the perfect pen with which to capture this journey called life knowing that no matter what it throws your way, no matter the storm that rages by day and the seeming silence to your prayers by night, no matter your mistakes and ‘misfortunes’ your choices and those made for you, that ultimately the creator of the universe, GOD HIMSELF, is for you—so who can be against you! There’s nothing more delicious …

Start living it.

Someone passed on this reference last week. How cool is that!

My counsel for you is simple and straightforward: Just go ahead with what you've been given. You received Christ Jesus, the Master; now live him. You're deeply rooted in him. You're well constructed upon him. You know your way around the faith. Now do what you've been taught. School's out; quit studying the subject and start living it! And let your living spill over into thanksgiving.

Colossians 2:6-7 (The Message)

My jewels

I was sitting working at the computer today by my supervisor. We were idely chatting as we did what we needed to do, and suddenly it dropped. "I was talking to someone about you today- they love that they are growing and feeling safe, loved able to do what they need to do", she said. It was one of the people I meet with each week. She didn't say who, but it was what she said that was such a precious jewel.

I received an email last week from someone saying 'it worked'! I got through something I never get through successfully. 'I did it!'.

Another wrote, mentioning a time that seemed so dry to me. I had gone to give, to share, to bless, and was told no. And yes, there was a conversation... and out of that, life, renewed life, purpose, identity. Someone who is living a whole (-er!) life again.

All incredibly precious jewels. Of seeing precious amazing people realizing that they can do it.

Each comment has been a precious jewel in the week, of seeing people see themselves in a new way, new possibilities, and step out in faith and fresh hope. Each are jewels, precious people who I get to walk alongside. What an incredible gift it has been.

What an amazing, challenging, precious year.

The Finishing.

That time has come again. I knew it would. Today was my last formal time at uni, the last supervision, last assignment returned, last hours turned in. My home group leaders are stepping down, and our group dividing in two, because it has grown so much. The process of starting to wind up work, to finish it off, and well, to hand it over into a unknown future.

I have been here so often. Finishing a chapter and starting something new and exciting and while I am excited about this new chapter- it's been so very many years in the development, today feels sad as I look back on the years, the journey, friendships. I am so grateful for these days, the good, the learnings, the fun, joyful, challenging, amazing times.

There will be another trip to London, and then on to new things, but no new country... this time. But new things, yes. New challenges, job, home group, opportunities.

But for now, I am in The Finishing...

Planting and growing confidence.

There is such a difference in ways of instilling confidence in a person. I have just handed in my last ever assignment for this degree. I can't beleive it.

There is a huge part of me though, that wants the quick rush of someone like my supervisor saying, yes, you're a great counsellor... and yet, I know that it would be superficial, a quick fix, like fast food that just wouldn't satisfy.... because in all honesty it would be feeding my vanity. And yet, there's something in wanting that affirmation.

On the other hand, his not commenting, of gentle expectation of the delivery of what I have done. It's the process, growing from experience, and just steadily working away at it. Growing confidence, deep down sureness from within. Even through the set backs, delays, mistakes and challenges it's been quite a journey! This has been planted, and grown, and while it's still a little plant, it's coming along steadily:)

Running away

It's funny how fast something turns around, the nuances of a conversation, the realisation of what means something to you, meaning something entirely different to others. The sudden forks in the road, choices to be made, in attitude, direction, conversation, commitment.

And suddenly, you realise that it's all about running away. While all it all looks well and good and well on the outside, it's actually a series of split second moments of avoiding the awkward moment, choice, or just trying to stay out of someone else's way, because it just doesn't seem to be room for you both.

When. Actually there is room, opportunity, possibility to mend the broken or wounded, or just reconnect. Opportunity to grow.....

I believe in...

Peter Pan was always one of my favorite movies and books, and it's been fun to see Tinkerbell take off in a whole new level, with her own story and generation to delight. One of my nieces in particular loves her. From the moment she laid eyes on her at the age of nearly 2, I think, Tink has been her favorite- not bad considering she's now 4!!! Spending time with the girls means I know most of the Disney catch phrases, including 'I believe in Fairies!', which most of them do, or will grow to.

One of the areas of my new job, well, prac anyway, is that I get to spend an hour with a person essentially saying 'I believe in you!'. I am just me, but wow, the power of transformation that they go through as they make choices and decisions. There's ways and means of doing this, and I think back on other times when I have, or have not got it right, with friends and others I care about, and, well the not getting it right makes me sad, especially when it's well meant.

But. Here and now, being intentional, learning and understanding better, it is a delight to see internal and external tranformation happen. Pretty special!

A different kind of cheer leader:)

A new compass

I had a conversation today, with a woman from a country I know well. She was close to History when it happened so many years ago, when it changed a massive nation. And now, as a woman, she and her mother have sought to navigate the changes that were brought, both prior to, and as a result of those days so long ago.

For most of the time, her compass was her mother, and living a story that was more free than her own. Too often, it brought her back to the entrapment that she sought to escape so fiercly. More recently, she was introduced to a Heavenly Father who brings a whole other level of freedom, relationship, hope, future. She has been given a new compass. And, like a ship that needs to change direction, she is discovering a whole new way of living, and seeing life. The decisions that brought freedom from her initial traps now need a whole new freedom, and hopefully true and lasting freedom.

Talking to her also gave new insight to why a culture is changing the way it is, why the role of women seems to be going downwards, and slavery and prostitution are taking on ever new life. The initial concepts were designed to bring freedom and yet.... they have brought deeper slavery..... but that's another post right there....

Her story, I suspect isn't uncommon, but I wonder how often the outcome is similar.

Holding patterns

This is a week for telling a new story. The one so far has been one where all the mistakes are highlighted, there is so darn much to do and one perspective of what one needs to do is entirely different to another's. So, doing things twice - while so avoided has become common practice.

Once again, I wish I had the words to say in each and every situation, that I could communicate what I meant. Hearing back what others have 'heard' has been painful and so frustrating, because it has sounded like they have been talking about someone else, and while I am 'here', it's the memory of someone else who lingers, and their shadow that I still come under.

Someone posted a quote: 'The purpose of refinement is always to make us 'objects of beauty', NOT to leave us scarred and disfigured for life.'

I don't know what's next, but right now, I wish I could make the most of it, not keep it in a holding pattern only to pass it on to another.

Being yourself

Periodically, circumstances present themselves when suddenly it appears that, to be yourself is plain "NOT ENOUGH!". There is a pressure to be brighter, more fun, more 'got it all together', successful (in some mysterious way that you're not), financially stable, more friends, more time, more fitting life into the days that you have.

It comes as a shock, when, as Christians, I thought we had a different walk to take from the world, that we could be more real, honest, be ourselves, a little more grace-filled and more able to give the benefit of the doubt, allow time to get to know people.

There's so many circumstances where sometimes we need to take a second look, not only for our sakes, but for the sakes of others. A worthy challenge to live up to.

The real thing

I was talking to 'some people' last week about what I am doing now, and what's next. It's my last subject of my masters degree. I did a masters. The least intelligent of my family. The one most likely to fail, with least potential. The one who didn't really have anything of value to share. The comment was 'well, you will get a real job then...'. What have all my other jobs been??? What is the job I am doing????? And if that's what was, how is it that this won't be put into the same category as the last ones?

I struggle with the confidence to do life, relationships, and this thing I am trying to do. Struggle that there's more than enough people to say 'you can't' when all we need, ever, is to know that we can. There has been more times than not, recently when I have not sought out the Voice that has got me safe this far, that has kept me going and need to find it again. I need to choose again. Take stock once again of the next season and not let 'life' or others choose for me.

I am so glad there's enough choice, people, love, forgiveness, relationship for all. God is one of abundant love, who loves us best, who says yes, we are his favorite. Pretty cool, huh?!

Trusting the process

So often I forget that some things can't be rushed. You can't always jump start something, and you don't know what's just around the corner. Sometimes what looks bad now turns out to be pretty great somewhere down the track.

I often forget that I don't have the whole picture, that I don't know what's going on with other people, what God has in mind, or what's just around the corner, so there becomes a fine balance between wanting to see something happen, and trust the bigger picture, that in the process all will be well. We can't take short cuts.

We can pray though. We can give it to God, invite him into our journey, knowing that his perspective is always going to be the best, taking into consideration everything we have missed. We can be faithful, honourable, and sometimes, just suck it up and do what needs to be done, trusting God with the final outcome.

Dancing with my niece

Yesterday. I took the day off to look after my nieces. Not a day off per se, but there you go. In all, it was a really long, 13 1/2 hour day with them, but such a good day. The bits I remember though?? The missed opportunities. When I was more stern than I might have been, didn't stop and sit, lost sight of the important bits in exchange for other less vital things. Albeit, we had all decided on gingerbread men, but I could have made 'just enough' and not insisted on using all the dough all at once. I could have stopped and danced for much longer than I did. Enjoyed the tea party, played uno even though it was way after bed time.

They are all so incredibly gorgeous in their own incredibly unique way. And there were some wonderfully special moments... like 2nd breakfast of cino's and croissants before going to creche at church with all their special friends. Watching the 2yo with the trike hefting it on the bridge and sending it down the dip, racing around with her big sister, watching the 3yo pull the 2yo along on the trolley. Dancing, bath time, yummy dinner- where they ate it ALL!

I wish there was a reality check alarm at moment's when we are making choices. To choose what isn't only good (like fun gingerbread!), but what will last... like quality time all together, fun adventures, special moments. Quality time. Looking back, it's soooo easy for the day to disappear in a whirl of jobs that need to be done, going onto the next thing, bed, bath and dinner...and getting lost. Missing the beautiful opportunities to make the day fun, restful, peaceful and happy for all. To enjoy and rest in the process of the journey, rather than trying to do whatever is needed to get to the final destination. It doesn't always happen, but I am noticing it alot right now. Lesson learned. Again.

Time

My time is not my own at the moment. Well, it never is. It's God's. But right now, it's less mine to do what I want with, than ever. There's responsibilities, needs, expectations, commitments, requirements, the ever present need to earn money... the list goes on. It's full on, and I am not quite sure when it will stop, especially when looking at the diary, it's fairly full for another 6 weeks or so.

Time to start planning for the September holidays, I think! Now!:) But one thing (among many things!:)) I am looking forward to is some time learning about healing prayer. Scary, because the theory is useless without the practice and experience. That's where the fun really starts. And trusting God, once again to work through me.

Fun times ahead:)

Clients and process

I am up to nine client a week for counselling. Each is so special, and it's a privilege to walk the journey with each of them. Makes me more aware of my own fallen-ness and areas that need 'work' in my own life, that's for sure. But wow, the power of seeing people stepping out to make the change.

I am challenged enough to be on the verge of stepping out to make a change of my own. To most, I think it would be a nonevent, but then I know some people who are about to celebrate something that I have never celebrated, but done often. So, maybe its an event. Maybe its all in perspective.

Or the process. Time for some more celebrations perhaps.

Bully's

They aren't fun. At all.

Email free

There days, like the last couple of days, or, well, circumstances, when I could happily give up email altogether. Miscommunications, being ignored, 'yelled' at or accused are some of it's downsides. Not to mention accidently leaving out vital details, sending it just too quickly, or coming across with a very different tone to the one intented.

Being reminded of just how much can be left out of an email, intentionally or by accident has caught me up quite a few times in the last few weeks, which makes me wonder yet again about the joys of an internet free life. Where would we be without it? Less contact with friends perhaps, and definately the long distance ones, but I imagine we would be much more intentional about the face to face contact we might have instead... that's rather appealing right now, for a number of reasons.

But then, being in The Philippines recently,it was such a HUGE joy to finally meet people I had been emailing for such a long time. Maybe there's an up side after all....