Line in the sand

October is notoriously my least favorite month of the year. Every time. Growing up it was the lead up to November, which yes, spring, my birthday, nearly holidays, Christmas and loads of good things. It was also the lead up to exams, of not meeting expectations, ever, failing, and not just in the subject, but as a person.

It's been a while, I while I know that much of it isn't true any more, there's still residual effects that cast a shadow. So, I was aware of it this year, and thought I had it licked, or at least was aware enough to have made plans, but surprises always surprise, and unexpected events can have their way of making their presence felt. Strongly.

So, back to blogging for the next few weeks. Why, so I can draw a line in the sand, so I can record and mark new beginnings. Unfortunately, this will be the least positive out of all of them(I trust!!), but also guessing it's been so long since I have posted anything that it won't be read anyway.

So, planning to blog for the next weeks- at least till my birthday:)

The last few days have been really hard. Surprisingly so.Yesterday, I was reminded of so many things I am not. I am so aware of them, and so familiar, and often it's ok. I know the lack. I am not married. I do not have children. I am not Young like many others. I am not heard by people I wish would hear me. I am not the absolute favorite of just one person who I would in turn like to have as a favorite. I want to say it's fine.

Lots recently has been awesome, special, and really fun. An old friend is back, which I am loving, and who I really enjoy doing life with, but as they have returned, I need to be ready for when they leave again. Unless God intervenes and makes the new season different to ones in the past, keeping the friendship more active than it has been, the wind will change and I will have to remember that they are  *still* a friend, and I was not the stop gap inbetween. I have done it before, and will do it again and forgive the unintended hurt and get on with the New, and rejoice joyfully and freely in all that God has for them. There's awesome things in store for them:)

But, while it's not fine, I do know and have been wonderfully encouraged, that God is Good, he's not forgotten, and while it seems that my life mission is to support and cheer others on (which I love!), I would love to see my life as being fuller, not of programs and committees, of groups, practical fun and being involved with different things....but in the gaps between it all, have those fillings be the best bits of the lot. Actually, I have a picture of an oreo cookie right now- the biscut bit the doing, the jobs, roles, things I'm involved with, but the real goodness is the cream in the middle....

So, there's my challenge for the next while, I guess- to have fun with the cream, dense fillings, taking time to recognize, stop, pause for a while, and savour the sweet taste.